I thought this was a very interesting article, as EmpowHer has received numerous questions from women who claim to have "lost" or otherwise have no sexual desire. Whether they refer to it as lack of desire, lack of interest or low libido...it is still just as frustrating, puzzling and a little unnerving to lose such a significant part of yourself, with real-world consequences to romantic relationships.
A new concept in women's sexuality is that desire in women may be a result from sex and does not always precede (or lead to) sex. Interesting, right?! I have mentioned this a few times to my husband that I was more interested in being intimate after-the-fact, and we've laughed about it. I was surprised that this very phenomenon is being researched! You can read more in the Psychology Today July 2009 article. (Disclaimer: when referring to the topic of human behavior, please know this is not meant to generalize "all" women or their experiences. As complex as human behavior and emotions are, the information provided here likely occurs to "some women, some of the time").
A "University of British Columbia psychiatrist Rosemary Basson, M.D., discovered in interviews with hundreds of women that, contrary to the conventional model, for many women, desire is not the cause of lovemaking, but rather, its result."
"'Women,' Basson explains, 'often begin sexual experiences feeling sexually neutral.' But as things heat up, so do they, and they eventually experience desire."
Does this mirror some of your sexual experiences with your partner? Do you find yourself wanting to want sex, but do not feel the sexual desire? The article discusses many women who start out "sexually neutral" and have sex with their partner to be intimate, but not that they are necessarily aroused. It is similar to the old saying, "women have sex to feel loved; men get love to have sex".
Although I can relate to this experience of being more interested in sex after the fact (which we find funny at times!), I can also see it as information that can be viewed as outdated and archaic, as this has been a stereotype women have tried to overcome. The stereotypes include (among others):
- Women don't want, like or need sex.
- Women have sex only to please men.
Sound familiar?!
Have you found yourself being sexually neutral, and then after the sexual act(s) with your partner...you then have the sexual interest, desire and new found libido? If so, we would love to hear your (PG-rated) story!
What are your thoughts about this information helping move women forward in their sexuality vs. setting us back? Of course, this issue is not black-and-white, and probably depends on many factors: feelings for sexual partner, individual health, lifestyle factors, possibly age.
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llove w
October 3, 2009 - 11:55pmThis Comment
If a woman are heat and want to have a sex while her partner doesnt want sex and she think that her partner dont love her just because she dont get her sex that she want so what up with that?
October 3, 2009 - 6:57amThis Comment
Thank you for your question; I think you are asking "what to do" if you and your partner have different levels of desire for sex?
This question is off-topic from original post, so I wanted to re-direct you to a related question to yours, with the subsequent responses: I'm unhappy because not getting what I want (sexually).
October 4, 2009 - 7:57amThis Comment
Hi Alison...and many thanks for the good wishes and advice...both most welcome! :-)
Ive just reread your post and started to reply but realised that I need a little more time than I have this evening to get my thoughts in writing. I shall return very soon :-)
Take care
Alex
p.s My wife's sexual interest is heightened ANYTIME! ...and we joke about it! And you're right...I think it is damaging to make these 'jokes'...you've given me some food for thought there.
July 23, 2009 - 1:27pmA
This Comment
This article struck a cord with me...it was one of those 'I thought I was the only one' situations! My partner and I are feeling frustrated with our sexual life right now because it seems our libidos are very different. I will mention that my partner (actually 'spouse' since last week!) and I are both women. (I have spent most of my adult life (I'm 41 now) living as heterosexual until about 3 years ago when I discovered that I was more interested in women from a sexual and relationship point of view.)
July 21, 2009 - 10:36amI often felt with men I dated, that they went 'too fast' for me and I was more 'in the mood' for sex AFTER sex...this changed when I became involved with women...some sort of pressure was removed...I was free at last! BUT, I'm now in back in the same situation with my wife....feeling some sort of anxiety that I not as sexual as her! (She called me 'ice queen' once as a 'joke') I dont feel it is the case that she has a 'greater libido' than me at all.
There is an 11 year age gap between myself and my wife...she is 29 and, I feel, that her libido is more like the stereotypical male libido...orgasm focused (??) I then find myself in the steroetypical female-type situation where she asks; I refuse.
I dont blame either of us for the situation...and we'd both like to find a solution because, even tho we talk honestly about sexual matters, its really starting to effect our relationship.
AlexG
This Comment
AlexG,
This was so interesting to read! You had experienced your sexual interest was more powerful in your previous heterosexual relationships, and now you are experiencing this again, even in a same-sex marriage. (Congrats, by the way, on your recent marriage!)
That is frustrating, and it makes me curious if we all fall into certain sexual "roles", regardless of partner's gender or age. Does your wife ever experience that her sexual interest in heightened as a result of sex or intimacy, and not always before, as a precursor to sex?
I hope to keep discussing this topic by sharing experiences, stories and research, as it would be great to find some possible solutions!
I'm sorry it is starting to effect your relationship, which is difficult since you already have open communication. Can I offer one suggestion, that my husband and I agreed to? We joke and are sarcastic in our relationship, but we had to agree that there could be no "jokes, side remarks, verbal jabs" (you name it) regarding sex or intimacy. At first, it felt like we had made this strict rule that was limiting, but after a while, it was easy to only say positive remarks towards each other, if it had anything to do with the topic of intimacy. I think, sometime, we "joke" about sensitive topics, because we don't have the exact words to explain what we're really thinking, or the "joke" is to try to make light of a problematic situation. But, the "joke" has some truth behind it, and therefore, isn't really a "joke". It can be hurtful, and actually cause even more tension, anxiety...and less sexual impulses.
Anyways...sorry for the unsolicited advice! Hope to hear back fro you soon.
July 21, 2009 - 3:01pmThis Comment
Really good article Alison! I think the generalizations are absolutely necessary, all women are not the same and what works with one woman may not work for another. I have watched many women, my sisters, girlfriends, friends and wife go through this experience. They want to maintain or create a state of arousal that is reached prior to being with a partner, but the actual act of being with the partner is the only thing they have found that arouses them to this level.
After the sexual interaction has taken place, they are now aroused to a level that they want more. Unfortunately, the partner is usually satisfied at this point and the woman carries on unsatisfied from the whole thing. A very frustrating state to be in for anyone.
The whole mindset that creates this exchange stems from the social stereotypes that women cannot "want" too much sex. Those that do publicly seek satisfying sexual encounters are looked upon as less than those who suffer with their inability to find an answer to their desires.
This is just wrong and an antiquated way of thinking, women can have satisfying sexual exchanges in monogamous relationships. It is a matter of getting past the mentality that has been propagated through decades of sexual repression in Western society. We have created this derogatory perception associated with women that are single and desire this satisfaction or attached women that go outside of the relationship in search of it after suffering for years with the results of the antiquated mindset.
Adultery is a huge issue in our society, but what are these people looking for? Something different, exciting and satisfying! Wouldn't it make sense then to provide tools and information for these men and women and let them know it is OK for them to feel this way and show them ways to create within themselves mentally and/or physically a state of arousal prior to a sexual encounter that can make it more satisfying and thus more enjoyable for both people?
I think so, all of these studies and articles are wonderful to bring the subject to light. What is needed are answers and personally my wife and I have found an answer, but I don't know if it is appropriate to discuss it in open posts.
Let me know what you think, I really appreciate your viewpoints and insight.
July 21, 2009 - 9:52amThis Comment
Hi,
Thanks for the kudos! I agree with you- it seems as though we are still living in a repressed society sexually, and for some reason "sex" is taboo and not to be discussed.
I am curious, however, about what you and your wife have found as "the answer". Is it possible to share a G- or PG-rated version of your experience?
July 21, 2009 - 2:53pmThis Comment
This is an interesting article! I do feel that most of the time I'm more aroused and interested in sex after the fact ..... when my husband's ready to turn on the TV or go to sleep after we've had sex, I feel like I'm just getting started. It can be frustrating at times, and I rarely speak out about it. I just try to calm myself down and do what he's doing (watch TV or sleep) because at least we're spending that time together.
July 19, 2009 - 2:13pmThis Comment