Facebook Pixel
EmpowHER Guest

I'm not sure why my boyfriend won't have sex with me - help?

By Anonymous February 22, 2010 - 12:56pm
Rate This

A few months ago, I moved in with my 24-year-old boyfriend. He lives a significant distance from my hometown, so he's really been the only person I've spent time with since I've been here. I ran into his ex-girlfriend about two weeks ago and we ended up spending the afternoon together. They had a messy break-up, and he still harbors bad feelings towards the relationship. I told him about running into her and spending time with her, figuring he'd be excited that I at least met SOMEONE, despite the fact that the person just happened to be his ex girlfriend. I regrettably didn't think that I might have crossed a line by doing so. He was furious. I apologized and tried to give him as much space as I could. It took about two days for him to calm down. Everything is how it was before the argument. However, we've yet to have sex. Prior to meeting his ex-girlfriend, we had sex regularly. This was also the first argument we've ever had, so I wasn't sure what to expect after things cooled off. He is still very affectionate and kind, and he hasn't been distant at all. I asked him about it almost a week ago, and he said he hasn't been in the mood because of the argument. What are some possible causes? How long should I wait until I bring up my concerns again?

Add a Comment3 Comments


First, I think it's cool that you actually could meet your boyfriend's ex and be warm toward her and she toward you. That's a pretty amazing thing.

But I, too, see your boyfriend's side. The two women who he perhaps has been most close to in his life collide in one afternoon -- it's like a nightmare, or something you'd see on a bad sitcom. He may have felt that you almost betrayed him, in a way. You and he are the "now" and he and she were the "then," and the collision of the now and the then was a little too much for him to take.

I think Susan gave you great advice. I would let the matter drop and give it more time. Don't put pressure on the sexual side of things -- that just makes it worse. Be yourself, and go back to all the things you and your boyfriend like to do together.

I too have been the new kid in town more often than I'd like. Finding friends isn't easy. Do you have a job? Is there a library close by? A university where you could take a class?

February 23, 2010 - 8:47am
EmpowHER Guest

I guess I didn't see a problem with spending time with her until after he got upset. I didn't realize the break up had affected him that much. If he wanted to hang out with any of my exes, I wouldn't mind at all. Then again, I haven't had any terrible break ups. Thank you so much for your advice! I've been so worried about everything and I've been assuming the worst.

February 22, 2010 - 4:42pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi Anon

Thanks for finding Empowher!

I agree that is wasn't appropriate for you to spend the afternoon with your boyfriends ex-girlfriend, especially since you knew the break-up was not a pleasant one. Even though you are looking for new friends, this just wasn't the right person to strike up a conversation with and you crossed boundaries you shouldn't have crossed. I certainly would not like my husband palling around with my ex.

That being said, if you looking for "possible causes" to why he hasn't had sex with you since, you said it right before saying you wondered about the causes. You said "I asked him about it almost a week ago, and he said he hasn't been in the mood because of the argument."

Maybe he is pretty much over his annoyance but when it comes to sex, he's not quite there yet. He may fear that you and she talked about what he was like in bed (I'm sure you didn't but his fear is legitimate) or what he was like as a boyfriend. Comparing and contrasting, so to speak and he may be nervous you are now judging him based on your conversations with his ex.

I know he may be a tad irrational now but give him a little more time. If things don't improve soon (give it another week or so) then you may need to look further into things (and please let us know so we can guide you in the right direction).

Good luck making friends, I know how hard it is, I've been the 'new kid' a lot in my life and it's a bit of work. If you bump into his ex again, be polite and give a friendly hello but no more afternoons together!

We wish you the best and please update us!

February 22, 2010 - 2:24pm
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy
Add a Comment

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Emotional Health

Get Email Updates

Emotional Health Guide

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.


Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!