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By August 17, 2009 - 1:23pm
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I thought i was dealing with my miscarriage [Feb.25th, 2009] alright but then i just got the wind knocked out of me last night. My cousin [younger then me] told me was was pregnant ... im now loosing it! Im always crying, im mad, frustrated, jealous, angry. I feel like my chest is caving , like a panic attack or something. Im why did i loose my baby!!!! I feel like god is dangling things in my face, like "ill give you a baby then take it away but your cousin can have her baby" I just want to scream! Im in a way better place for a child, im in a long safe relationship we both work full time good jobs. WHY?!?!? How do i be happy for her when im so sad? Please someone who has dealt with this....tell me what to do???

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AmyLei, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm with Susan on this -- the grieving process takes time and at some point the intense feelings of jealously, anger, etc., that you're feeling will eventually fade. I know because I've been there. And don't beat yourself up if it takes a long time to work through your feelings. Everyone's different.

I must say that I don't agree with the anonymous commenter who advised you not to think about your loss as a bad thing. Of course it's a bad thing to lose a baby. I can't think of anything in life that is worse, quite frankly. I've lost a baby, so I know how horribly devastating it is to lose the life that represented your hopes and dreams for the future. The baby I lost was a twin, and for the longest time, whenever I saw twins, I would feel literally sick to my stomach. I would be in a grocery store, see a woman pushing her twins in a stroller, and have to run to the restroom where I'd become physically ill or start crying hysterically. It seemed so unfair that I would lose one of my baby boys when other women seemed to easily have healthy twins. I occasionally have a hard time when I see teenage boy twins (my son is now 14), because I still wonder what it would be like for my son to have his identical twin in his life.

Please don't try to ignore or bury your feelings. They're a necessary part of your grieving. Let it out. And if you don't feel like you can be happy for your cousin right now, don't try to fake it. Be honest. Grieve. I don't know why you lost your baby just like I don't know why I lost mine. It's a cruel thing for a parent to have to survive. But you will. And in time you'll be able to celebrate your cousin's baby. It could be weeks, months or longer, but you'll work through your feelings. And we're here whenever you need to vent.

August 17, 2009 - 3:32pm
EmpowHER Guest

Im sorry you lost your baby!
I know a couple who lost their baby too, and so did my cousin, but both of them got pregnant again just a few months later. Maybe God did this to you to show you that it is possible for you to get pregnant but this just isnt the right time.Try not to think about it as a bad thing because its not. Im sure you are going to get pregnant later and if you think about it since your cousin is pregnant before you are when you get pregnant your baby will be the younger one, and your whole family will turn to him because your cousin baby will no longer be the youngest. I dont know if that help you, but i hope i did! I just hope you do get pregnant.

August 17, 2009 - 2:10pm
HERWriter Guide

Hi AmyLei

Firstly, I'm so sorry to read you had a miscarriage - I know how hard it can be and I promise you it'll get better in time.

Secondly, your feelings are very normal. You're not mad or angry at your cousin, you are angry because you lost your baby through miscarriage and you now have to be really happy that someone else has something that was taken from you.

It doesn't matter than you're in a better position that your cousin, to have a baby. Doesn't it sometimes seem that drug addicts and child neglectors have child after child after child while wonderful, loving, stable people face infertility?

I'm sure your cousin will be a wonderful mom!

I know it's normal to blame yourself, blame God, blame the world. And wonder, why you? Or why her?

It's hard to tell you how to 'fix' this because you can't and shouldn't 'fix' what's normal. Anger and envy and sadness are normal. All I can tell you is that it'll fade with time and a healthy grieving process. The grieving process is sometimes a long one.

You don't have to be 'happy' about your cousin internally if you don't want to be. But smile and tell her you wish her well. And I'm sure you do but your focus is on your loss, rather than her 'gain'.

But soon you'll need to place your focus elsewhere or this past loss will consume you. Don't let it do that. Do what you have to - work out more, talk with girlfriends (not about babies!) , don't be afraid to face your loss but don't let that loss become your life or you'll live in a world of "what ifs" and why me's" and that's not fair to you - or those who love you.

Give yourself time - it hasn't been that long. You'll be ok. And again, I'm so sorry. It's a tough road to walk. I wish you the best~

August 17, 2009 - 1:54pm
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