ask: my boyfriend says he loves me but says he is not attracted to me because of my weight

By jemlovestravel June 14, 2009 - 2:59pm
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First off, I am 38 and my boyfriend is 22. He is an old soul, I am a young one. I am getting ready to move to Seattle to move in with my boyfriend. I am overweight. In the beginning of our relationship - we met on a video game - I didn't take him seriously because of his age and distance and kept him at bay. Also because I didn't take him seriously, I sent him older pictures of me. When things began to take a turn and I started to have feelings for him, I came clean. He said it didn't matter to him. When we met for the first time, things were great. But he did say to me that my weight is an issue for him and he found himself not attracted to my weight, but he loved everything else about me. He has been encouraging with the weight loss. My problem accepting as he as been with my weight....I feel the absence of his affection. He tells me if he wants more of my affection, I need to lose the weight.

He made a decision to stay in this relationship even though I wasn't upfront about my weight and I am grateful for that. But sometimes, I feel really alone in this. He tells me he wants me to move in with him, but I am so nervous about it. When we get into arguements, it is typically about his lack of attention. Which leads to him referring back to my weight and the decision he made to stay in this relationship. I am just thoroughly confused. He says he loves me, but I do not want feel alone in this relationship. I know that I cant blame him for being attracted or not attracted to certain body types. I probably wouldn't date myself if I was a guy. So, do I trust that the attraction will come back?

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EmpowHER Guest

So, I was the comment five years ago on April 23, 2010 and I can't tell you how absolutely pathetic I sound. It's disgusting to think I was defending my boyfriend at the time, who, needless to say, I am thankfully no longer with. He ended up cheating on me with a girl who was only about 120 lbs. while I was in the 150ish department. I WASN'T EVEN FAT and I weigh more now than I did back then by at least a little over 40 lbs but you know what? It DOESN'T EVEN MATTER. After my ex cheated on me I met a man who said he will love me, rolls and flaws and all, no matter the number on the scale. Three years later we are still going strong and I am not afraid to eat around him, try new foods and beers together, etc.. Before I was with him I was playing around with another grown little boy who I had an eating disorder for to impress him.. I was finally skinny but I wasn't happy. Undernourishment isn't a lovely thing, it eats you up because there's nothing else there. Meeting my boyfriend changed everything for me. I may have gone from a size 9 to now a size 13 but I am happier than I ever was. I tell you what ladies, if he has an issue with your size it can never work. He will find somebody that meets his standards. A man who loves you will love YOU. I know that sounds like an obvious statement but its more evident to me more than ever and the right person really does make a huge difference in a woman's life. I hope things have worked out for our original poster and she is no longer a victim to things that shouldn't even be an issue in a relationship. Stay happy, healthy, and confident ladies.

October 16, 2015 - 10:01pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've been here and still am where you are. I developed an eating disorder as a result and lost the weight. It didn't help; he still says he loves me and I love him. It's hard to explain we are a couple and each others best friend but we do not have a sex life because he isn't attrated me. I choose to stay and so does he the same thing you're experiencing. I know its hard and you beat yourself up about it. I'd like to believe that our choice to stay together speaks of another kind of love, and I try to be okay with it. You'll get through it. Thanks for sharing.

October 12, 2015 - 8:18pm
EmpowHER Guest

Well I'm in a similar place, my bf is 6 years older we live together he is sexually attracted to me not as much as he used to be he loves me for me and asked me to marry him, the weight thing has always been an issue of mine I just like food I'm 5"5 and weigh about 175 I'm just chunky is all, iv been watching what I eat, he has told me he would love for us to look as good as we make each other feel, I think that it's ok to tell you to loose weight I tell him to gain it he's 6"8 and weighs literally 120 so, I'm loosing he's gaining were both making an effort I would love to loose like 40 pounds for our wedding one day, love is about honesty and support ya sucks to hear the truth but it's better then him going to screwing a woman he's attracted to instead of the woman he loves, do it for you and for the relationship he seems like he loves and cares about it together work out eat healthy create a lifestyle for the two of you together

April 29, 2015 - 10:40am
EmpowHER Guest

I agree with the last post,u can't jugde her bf bcos he wants her to loose some wieght.I feel he is just saying it all d time to help u imrove d way u look and he might have seen that u also want to loose some wieght and he feels d best way to encourage u is to keep telling u about it.don't blame him he is trying to help u.from what u said I feel he is in love with u and wants u to look more attractive.he is an honest person and he's just saying what he wants unlike some other guys who'll pretend to like u d way u r.I also feel he wants u to live with him so that he'll help with ur exercise routine.girl! I don't think it's best for u to leave this guy,not just the last person said.go for it,try to loose wieght cos I feel u want it too.if he turns out to be a jerk let him go and u know what girl,u have nothing to loose.u'll look more attractive to other potential men and u'll be happier cos u achieved something from d relationship and if he ends up being a good! U gonna be d luckiest woman alive for having such a good nd honest man.all d best.

November 28, 2011 - 8:43am
EmpowHER Guest

my boyfriend today told me that he wishes id loose weight so that he would be able to cuddle and love me im only 17 and weight 160 im 5'4 and have a chubby belly i always kinda knew people would always judge a girl like me with curves but in my understandings god made us all the way we are for a purpose in life and we should never feel '"unloved" because of our apperance it does mater what you look like on the out side for example bread it may look appitizing and appealing but as soon as you bite in to it you find that it has fungi thats just like a person just beacuase they have the best looking body doesnt mean that there heart and soul are just as perfect. i believe beauty is the key and its not looks its actions how we treat one another is how we all she be pertrade as... just becuase your not the "body type" he likes well sorry to say he either gets over it or you move on and find someone that will love ebry inche of your body from you head to your toes to how you act to others... you are 38 and hes 22 you are 16 years older then him you should already know that if someone doesnt love you now then hunny there not going to love you when you 20 pounds lighter its not weight he is just a controlling and moniplitive guy who needs power to stay in a relationship my mom was in one of those in her first marriage he would mentaly drain her and tell her she needs to loose weight after having 3 kids and only gaining 110 pounds he still told her that she reliezed one day she didnt need to put up with that "unconditional love" is loveing someone and all there flaws its loving there wieght there smiles ther everything thats why its called unconditional love ... look in the mirro im sure you will see that you deserve better if not then ill keep you in my prays

September 2, 2011 - 11:07pm
EmpowHER Guest

Tying weight loss and love from a man together is a really dangerous road. It will continue low self-esteem that is already present, and it can set you up for an eating disorder. Your decision (when and if you make it) to lose weight should come from wanting to please yourself. If you do it so you won't lose your b/f, you're going to lose something other than weight.

December 7, 2010 - 8:02am
EmpowHER Guest

I had gotten divorce due to my weight my husband after 15 years of marriage wanted a skinner lady which her found and didnt take long ha 1 weekend , we started dating when I was 16 now he remarried and I am at 250 and move from AZ to Wa

December 1, 2010 - 9:57pm
EmpowHER Guest

I think you should dump him. He doesn't love you. If he did, he would be welcoming you affectionately into his arms regardless of your weight, while assisting you in your weightloss attempts. Tell him to butt out of your life, and you can lose weight on your own. You will feel better about yourself, and you won't feel the necessity to settle for a man who puts conditions on his love for you.

October 26, 2010 - 11:15am
Christine Jeffries

Dear jemlovestravel,
Hi! Glad this is such a vibrant and respectful thread going. You should be reassured that there are many wonderful women here who want to see you truly happy and confident that you are making sound decisions.
That being said, I'm no relationship expert but as an innocent bystander I'm shocked no one has commented on the fact that your boyfriend is 22. Old soul or not, I would be hard pressed to say that at your age of 38, he could not possibly be "ready" for what you no doubt are looking for at this point in your life (I'm 39 and divorced once at 29, so I'm confident saying this). You can talk yourself into or out of anything. I convinced myself that my boyfriend at 27 really wanted to marry me even though he had doubts, regardless of what those were. Big mistake!
Please, please, please, respect yourself and make whatever decision you need to, but don't move in with him. I know about moving for a man, and it hardly ever works out. I wasted a lot of time with the wrong men. Be your own independent woman, move to be closer if you want to give it a shot, but get your own place. If you don't have the money, don't move. Stay where you are and focus on making a better life where you are, weight or not.
Good luck in your journey, and please let us all know what you decide and how you are doing.

July 1, 2010 - 9:40am
EmpowHER Guest

Okay, so we've got one gal who's bf convinced her she's too heavy to be attracted to and another gal who's boyfriend made her feel unattractive because she was too thin and "sickly." Wow.
I'll tell you a little story. I met a guy, my physical ideal of a man in a tiny town in CO. We started dating and it was like a dream in the beginning. I was thin, but had stretch marks from a growth spurt. The first time we became intimate? You guessed it. He commented on my stretch marks. "WTH? Stretch marks? Did you have a stinking kid or something?" My self esteem spiraled downward. 2nd insult: we were having beers one night, he stared at my nose and said, "Are you Jewish? because your nose is pretty big."
I had a decent self esteem before I met him. It wasn't long before I didn't have an ounce of self-confidence or self-respect left. You see, I KNEW I needed to leave. I FELT it.
I finally found the nerve to leave (at the 5 yr. mark) after I had had a miscarriage and he yelled at me for crying. He told me to "get the F over it." He never held my hand or hugged me. Never said, "We'll get through this." Nothing.
I moved to MT. You know what I discovered? Men actually DID find me attractive. I was in shock and in heaven. Paul came a knockin when he found out I was happy and thriving. What happened? Like an idiot I returned to him. He's like a toxic drug to me. One piece of advice, if it's not too late:
Oh, yeah. Our sex life sucks. At first he claimed he wasn't attracted to me just because he didn't like me in the beginning (i.e. the first YEAR) I had stretch marks, I was too heavy, I'm wasn't nice enough. I didn't talk dirty enough. The list goes on and on. I have to BEG to get sex. How's that for a self esteem boost? Oh, I dated several guys in MT when we were broken up . . . never had to beg them. They adored me.
So, the moral of the story, you ask????? Run. Don't look back. Don't e-mail. Change your number. Forget you knew him. Because, when you completely distance yourself from toxic people you become free of them. You begin to patch up all the holes that guy put into your sense of self worth. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
He's threatened me. I finally sent out a bunch of e-mails to friends/family . . . you know one of those "if anything happens to me" things and I made sure to LET him know that I had told people.
7 years ago, I never would have seen this in my future. I'm now packing my car to leave. I'm not going to lie. It's tough. My identity has become so intertwined with him.
One of my friends, who was urging me to leave Paul, told me a long time ago, "What do you have to walk away from in order for God to show you your path?" I'm focusing on that. I have a path and a purpose to my life (AND SO DO YOU) and Paul has put a damper on that. NOT ANY MORE. :) At this point, Paul has eaten up a big chunk of my life. I'm not going to let him have any more of my time or love. There are times to stay and fight and there are times to walk away. You gals need to walk away. As do I. Best of luck to you. Don't be a doormat, be a diva and be proud of who you are. :)

June 19, 2010 - 7:34am
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