ask: my boyfriend says he loves me but says he is not attracted to me because of my weight

Hi,
Your last question is perhaps the most relevant:
"So, do I trust that the attraction will come back?"

From what you stated in your question, I did not read that there was ever attraction in the first place.

I am so sorry to be blunt about this, but you have made so many excuses for your boyfriend...reasons that he shouldn't love you, treat you with affection, find you desirable. Weight is not the issue. Please know this. Your weight is not the issue.

You said you are getting ready to move to Seattle, and move in with your boyfriend. Why? Do you have friends, family or a career waiting for you there? What do YOU want in a relationship, and why do you feel that you do not deserve to get it? You sound extremely intelligent, and the words you've chosen suggest that you DO know what you want in a relationship, however, you are not getting it currently in this relationship...and you think moving closer and moving in with your boyfriend will create what you are looking for.

Have you played devil's advocate with yourself? What if you were 10, 20, 30 pounds lighter. Would your boyfriend magically be attracted to you, and you would no longer feel alone in the relationship? What if he is still not attracted to you? This is a real possibility; your bf may be hoping that he would be attracted to you (I assume you have a lot in common otherwise), "if only you would....". What if his list of requirements never ceases? A healthy relationship starts with not having a list of requirements for the person to change.

I am not sure if you can change your plans to move, or if you even want to, but have you considered a half-way point? Moving to Seattle, but not moving-in with him? It sounds like you also need some time to learn and believe that you are worthy and deserving of all the love, affection, passion, romance, trust, fun, joy and respect of any woman (without question or excuses) of a healthy relationship...no matter what her weight, height, hair color, skin color, eye color, dress size, bust size...you name it.

What are your thoughts on this?

I agree with AlisonB. And also wonder how well you really know each other? Have you been living in different cities all this time? Is your relationship mostly over the phone and e mail? Have you ever had sex?
I agree that the main problems are not his lack of attraction to you but how well you even know each other for you to risk moving for him? Also, do you really fancy him? You are focusing on what he wants not what you want.
Too many women try to become what they think a man wants them to be and it rarely works out....if you loose weight, he may then find another "problem" with you.
Do you want to move to Seattle for yourself first and foremost? It's one thing to move for a man if you have already got an established relationship but another to do so on a whim. You can do better.
If you loose weight it should be for you and your health. If you move, it should be for you also.

Dear Gemlovestravel:

Please take my advice in that you should "run to your car-don't walk". I feel uniquely qualified to dole out this advice in that I have battle my weight my entire life and have had to deal with issues of not feeling attractive enough due to my weight. I'm 45, very happily married for 18 years but before I got married I was typically 50 pounds over weight. Even with my weight issues I had pretty good self-esteem, enjoyed life, loved to laugh and make others laugh as well. Additionally I did not let my weight get in the way of living and surrounding myself with people who appreciated me for who I was not just solely my weight. Although I was not always the first one asked to dance, I always seem to have a steady stream of boyfriends who were fun and respected and enjoyed being with me. I do remember dating a man who told my friend that my stretch marks bothered him and needless to say that relationship ended quickly after I learned of this. People (men and women) are so much than just their appearance, and should bring other important qualities to the table like: an outstanding sense of humor, intelligence, interesting life experiences to share, easy going, flexible and on and on.

You need to have more faith and believe in yourself. Don't send old pictures of yourself, send current ones and that will help guide you to some one who is much more interesting and not so shallow! If you loose weight, do it for yourself, not any one else. I would suggest you don't move in with him and instead find some one who does not put so much importance on some thing as silly as your weight. One last thought.....just because you are over weight does not mean you are not sexy, or not good in bed. I have seen many over weight women and men who have amazing sex appeal and it's all in the way they carry themselves, as well as what comes out of their mouth, not typically the number on their scales.

Much Success,

Kelley

To all that have responded....This is not a whim....we have been dating a year and see each other at least once a month. And we have had sex and it just keeps improving. Just asking him now if there are any other issues that I am not aware of and he said no. I believe that we have the issues that most relationships have considering it is long distance. He is the one that asked me to move in with him. He always apologizes because he feels guilty because he wants to love me unconditionally but he can't because of my weight. I think because he made the choice he did that he truly does love me unconditionally, but has not realized the depth of it yet. I am not making excuses for what he is or is not attracted to. I like handsome men, but if they are stupid, well then I won't date them. I feel blessed that he sees more in me than just my weight. I appreciate his honesty in regards to my weight. Oddly enough, he is the one that initiates the sex...so I think in my heart he is attracted to me, but because of his opinion on overweight people his entire life, falling in love with an obese woman wasn't in his plans and does not quite know how to deal with it.

I am not purely focused on what he wants. What I do want is to see if we can have a "normal relationship." If such thing exists. I am smart enough to know that long distance relationships only go so far. I feel blessed that he is attracted to my personality and my brains. He said the only thing missing for him is the weight. He even said to me that it probably wouldnt take me losing that much weight. I also feel good about him because he is supportive of my weight loss. He encouraged me to join weight watchers and calls me in the morning to wake me up and says "Time for Zumba sleepyhead" and he tells me he is proud of me when I dont feel well and still work out.

Writing all this has made me realize that my insecurities because of my weight do tend to make me clingy sometimes and I think when I get clingy and started needing reasssurance all the time, it probably gets old for him. I am also a woman that tends to really over think things because I was cheated on in my past.

Thank you for all the feedback, it is truly appreciated. :)

Hi,
Let's start again; I have some educational information regarding relationships that takes all of the "opinions" out of this, and will be more of a help to you (my assumption, gauging from your response above).

Here are some ways to know if you are in a healthy relationship, which is more to the core of your question.

"In a healthy relationship, you:
* Treat each other with respect
* Feel secure and comfortable
* Are not violent with each other
* Can resolve conflicts satisfactorily
* Enjoy the time you spend together
* Support one another
* Take interest in one another's lives: health, family, work, etc.
* Have privacy in the relationship
* Can trust each other
* Are each sexual by choice
* Communicate clearly and openly
* Have letters, phone calls, and e-mail that are your own
* Make healthy decisions about alcohol or other drugs
* Encourage other friendships
* Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
* Know that most people in your life are happy about the relationship
* Have more good times in the relationship than bad

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:
* Try to control, change or manipulate the other
* Make the other feel bad about her/himself
* Ridicule or call names
* Dictate how the other dresses
* Do not make time for each other
* Criticize the other's friends
* Are afraid of the other's temper
* Discourage the other from being close with anyone else
* Ignore each other when one is speaking
* Are overly possessive or get jealous about ordinary behavior
* Criticize or support others in criticizing people with your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
* Control the other's money or other resources (e.g., car)
* Harm or threaten to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
* Push, grab, hit, punch, or throw objects
* Use physical force or threats to prevent the other from leaving"

"Perhaps the most important thing to do is to trust your instincts and the people close to you whose opinions you trust and value. Each and every one of us deserves to feel safe, valued, and cared for. Keep in mind that one of the strongest signs of a healthy relationship is that both people involved feel good about themselves. Also, by treating yourself with self-respect and believing in your right to be treated well, you are taking important steps towards developing equitable, mutually fulfilling ties in the future."

Which is another important question: your closest family and friends who you love and trust, and who know you the best and have your best interests at heart. What is their opinion on this matter?

So, this is the million-dollar question: after reading the criteria above, do you think your relationship meets the criteria for a healthy relationship? I am still concerned about anyone wanting to be in a relationship with someone who wants them to change, and emotionally blackmails them into changing because they "can't" be attracted to them. I truly believe this is a form of emotional mistreatment, so please be cautiously optimistic.

By the way, is your boyfriend ultra-fit, or does he have some weight to lose, too? Is he open to changing his appearance or working on a character flaw, or are you the only one with a flaw that needs changing? Maybe something to consider...how open is he to change, for the good of the relationship?

Sources:
- Go Ask Alice
- National Center on Domestic & Sexual Violence (previous article written, can read here

I have a similar problem... This may be really long, because I haven't told many people as I have no friends or family, and no one would really ever want to take the time to hear this whole thing. I am going to tell you all of it though, not to steal your fire or take over your thread haha, but because I think people in these situations feel very alone and want to understand what is going on. I want to give you a lot of details because maybe they will link up with yours, and you will "figure something out." I also have moved in with the person and lived with them for two years.

I have been with someone now for over two years, who initially wasn't attracted to me because I'm not curvy enough hahha :) Mainly my butt, and because at the time, I had gone through a lot of hardships and was sort of unhealthy, and depressed, not eating much, and not having the time to dress pretty. I was practically homeless, just dealt a bad hand for a while. He wasn't just not attracted to me, he was actually disturbed at points by how my body looked, even stopping in the middle of making love. But again, I was *quite* "sickly" (as he likes to call it) at the time.

He "took care of me" and allowed me to live with him, paid for everything, until I could get a decent job and qualifications. Now we are both relatively successful, and somewhat iconic in our area as being important in the art world, as a unit. I know that if he asked me to marry him, I could absolutely love him always, we work together well, are dedicated to the same things, and we have strange things that link us from our pasts, like making up almost the exact same characters in our artwork before we met. I am also now doing exactly what I always wanted to do with my life, and we are mostly only growing closer, dealing with arguments better/not arguing much anymore.

So if you want to know what happens when you stay with someone who is not attracted to you--- I don't know. It is still very painful for me, that he was not attracted to me in the beggining. I don't get excited for our anniversary dates, because I know now at the time when we first me, he didn't feel the same as I did. I read in his old conversations with friends online, he said "I'm not as hot as his other girlfriends."

I have worked out a lot, and I guess I'm somewhat "presentable" now, more healthy and capable, but I'm still working at it. The reason why I didn't mind doing this for him, was because I didn't feel good about how I looked, and I *was* sickly and barely able to keep myself going. But It is painful because I want to be loved and wanted no matter what I look like, haha, I want it to be my decision only to exercise and better my self, and for him to just be happy for me, not like my body is so terrifyingly skinny and ill looking that I have to work out just to not be scary during sex.

Now I often feel inferior to other women, am always watching him to see if he will check out someone (which he does in front of me at times, but denies it, who knows, I actually could be imagining it-- I am often very paranoid now, and I know that men also instinctively do this). I am jealous of his past relationships with people who he was very sexually attracted to. In fact, I read all his love letters to them online in their journals, look at their pictures together (he still has them in a folder called "girls"), and just get sick over it to the point of almost fainting and torture him about it every few months, when I'm feeling down. I'm always trying to "figure something out" about his past, and I don't believe him that he isn't still in love with them, although I don't *really* have any reason to think that. I just want to know what they have, that I don't, that fills that missing gap. Why are they so desirable. I want to know why he doesn't write love letters to me, or want me so much that I get annoyed at him haha, or act like a puppy dog to me. It sounds selfish out loud, and babyish. But I want him to be obsessed with me like he was with them-- not in an unhealthy way, but it wouldn't be unhealthy anyway because if he was that into me, I would take care of him, and treat him well, and not leave him or manipulate him, or make fun of him like they did. I think we both have problems, because I am too insecure, and he has been hurt so much by women that he is enslaved by his need to worship an unattainable thing, or something. Why else would he have all these failed month or so long relationships with very pretty but egotistical girls that are based mostly on sex seemingly, although he says that he was miserable because he couldn't *find* someone to stay with him, and that girls are fickle. ("But c'mon, look at the choices..." that's what I think/say and it makes him mad because he says that you can't know what someone will be like.)

The sex in the beginning was pretty akward/unsatisfactory for me, and for him. He prides himself on his passion and intimacy, but he is much less intimate/free than my other boyfriends, but maybe it is just our chemistry that makes it that way. (another mind-f*** that makes me start obsessing about his past, wondering what "they" do in bed that is different from me, especially since he doesn't really let me take initiative, and likes pretty basic sex.) It has grown better with time, sometimes it is amazing and beautiful, sometimes there are weird patches that evoke the beginning. It usually coincides with my confidence level, another reason why I believe the chemistry problem is all my fault.

So what do you do in this situation? It's very confusing, because on one hand, you have an ideal relationship that seems to be growing every day, despite hardships that don't sound very good to people if you try to explain it to them. For me, I can say that it is all effected by my acceptance of what has happened, I have to be able to accept the way he was with girls in the past, and stop causing conflict with my insecurities and need for reassurance, because if things keep growing the way they seem to be, then maybe what we have/could have would be truly unconditional and much more passionate than anything in his past. It's just hard because I feel this way about him-- and it's hard to restrain myself to be calm and loving, when I want to scream that he is my soulmate and kiss every part of him all the time. It's a very terrifying risk, because not only could it all amount to nothing, but there are also many ways you could sabotage yourself one way or the other. I just have this *feeling* that we will get married and he will be the one for me always, but each time I push him away and fight with him and act crazy, I know I make this outcome more and more difficult and unrealistic. So even though his actions don't/didn't help, I am my own worst enemy in this.

Can you overcome these feelings? It is very scary, but I suggest trying to do what your heart tells you, if you really want to be with this man. Make sure you are sound financially for the most part, or have a career that can allow you to live on your own if you have to. But maybe you just need to see what happens if you go into it with full trust and a full heart. If you get hurt, then you just have to NEVER do anything like this again. And KNOW for sure that it was not your fault, and that you are an amazing, loving, and beautiful person that has a real soulmate out there.

what a loser tell him to go bury himself

jemlovestravel,

How are you doing? Any updates on your situation?

To Anon-- I really think you should read Alison's post on a healthy relationship again. Unfortunately, your insecurities due to what your boyfriend has said to you are now your demons. Personally, I think when a man has crossed the line to tell you how unattracted to you he is-- that's enough to get out of a relationship and know that it's bad for you. Easier said than done but it's important to love and respect yourself enough to say "I don't need to take this". Good Luck.

I admire and respect your boyfriend for being honest about what he dislikes in regards to your physical stature. If more men and women were like him then many relationships would have possible have been salvaged.

THINK ABOUT THIS: How many times do men and women prejudge someone based off how they look or their attire. If someone attempts to greet them or show interest in them and then they choose not to engage in conversation yet alone a potential friendship because they are not physically attracted to them. Every day this happens and no one makes anyone feel bad about it. It is human nature to want to look at something that is aesthically pleasing, especially your mate.

With that being said, BRAVO to your boyfriend for making the committment and valuing who you are as a person and encouraging you to lose weight. If you were secure in your weight and ok with your physical appearance, I would tell you to let him go but it appears that this is something that you want to change also. Us women are strange creatures when it comes to pleasing our men. We will change our hair color and anything else. If your man tells you he loves when you wear fishnets, what women would not have a couple pairs on standby? Dont lie to yourself. You know you would : ) All jokes aside, it is one thing for your to want to change something and letting your man inspire you to do it versus it being his desire and you having nothing to do with the goal.

With that...continue to move forward with losing weight. But once it is no longer a shared goal or he is not supporting but demanding you to lose weight, let it go. At the end of the day if you lose the weight and it turns out that he is a jerk, guess what...You still have reached a goal and improved the way you feel and see yourself.

This current man in your life may only be there for a season, so absorb the positive from this encounter and learn from your mistakes.