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ask: my boyfriend says he loves me but says he is not attracted to me because of my weight

By jemlovestravel
 
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First off, I am 38 and my boyfriend is 22. He is an old soul, I am a young one. I am getting ready to move to Seattle to move in with my boyfriend. I am overweight. In the beginning of our relationship - we met on a video game - I didn't take him seriously because of his age and distance and kept him at bay. Also because I didn't take him seriously, I sent him older pictures of me. When things began to take a turn and I started to have feelings for him, I came clean. He said it didn't matter to him. When we met for the first time, things were great. But he did say to me that my weight is an issue for him and he found himself not attracted to my weight, but he loved everything else about me. He has been encouraging with the weight loss. My problem is...as accepting as he as been with my weight....I feel the absence of his affection. He tells me if he wants more of my affection, I need to lose the weight.

He made a decision to stay in this relationship even though I wasn't upfront about my weight and I am grateful for that. But sometimes, I feel really alone in this. He tells me he wants me to move in with him, but I am so nervous about it. When we get into arguements, it is typically about his lack of attention. Which leads to him referring back to my weight and the decision he made to stay in this relationship. I am just thoroughly confused. He says he loves me, but I do not want feel alone in this relationship. I know that I cant blame him for being attracted or not attracted to certain body types. I probably wouldn't date myself if I was a guy. So, do I trust that the attraction will come back?

Add a Comment21 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I agree with the last post,u can't jugde her bf bcos he wants her to loose some wieght.I feel he is just saying it all d time to help u imrove d way u look and he might have seen that u also want to loose some wieght and he feels d best way to encourage u is to keep telling u about it.don't blame him he is trying to help u.from what u said I feel he is in love with u and wants u to look more attractive.he is an honest person and he's just saying what he wants unlike some other guys who'll pretend to like u d way u r.I also feel he wants u to live with him so that he'll help with ur exercise routine.girl! I don't think it's best for u to leave this guy,not just yet.like the last person said.go for it,try to loose wieght cos I feel u want it too.if he turns out to be a jerk let him go and u know what girl,u have nothing to loose.u'll look more attractive to other potential men and u'll be happier cos u achieved something from d relationship and if he ends up being a good guy.wow! U gonna be d luckiest woman alive for having such a good nd honest man.all d best.

November 28, 2011 - 8:43am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

my boyfriend today told me that he wishes id loose weight so that he would be able to cuddle and love me im only 17 and weight 160 im 5'4 and have a chubby belly i always kinda knew people would always judge a girl like me with curves but in my understandings god made us all the way we are for a purpose in life and we should never feel '"unloved" because of our apperance it does mater what you look like on the out side for example bread it may look appitizing and appealing but as soon as you bite in to it you find that it has fungi thats just like a person just beacuase they have the best looking body doesnt mean that there heart and soul are just as perfect. i believe beauty is the key and its not looks its actions how we treat one another is how we all she be pertrade as... just becuase your not the "body type" he likes well sorry to say he either gets over it or you move on and find someone that will love ebry inche of your body from you head to your toes to how you act to others... you are 38 and hes 22 you are 16 years older then him you should already know that if someone doesnt love you now then hunny there not going to love you when you 20 pounds lighter its not weight he is just a controlling and moniplitive guy who needs power to stay in a relationship my mom was in one of those in her first marriage he would mentaly drain her and tell her she needs to loose weight after having 3 kids and only gaining 110 pounds he still told her that she reliezed one day she didnt need to put up with that "unconditional love" is loveing someone and all there flaws its loving there wieght there smiles ther everything thats why its called unconditional love ... look in the mirro im sure you will see that you deserve better if not then ill keep you in my prays

September 2, 2011 - 11:07pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Tying weight loss and love from a man together is a really dangerous road. It will continue low self-esteem that is already present, and it can set you up for an eating disorder. Your decision (when and if you make it) to lose weight should come from wanting to please yourself. If you do it so you won't lose your b/f, you're going to lose something other than weight.

December 7, 2010 - 8:02am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I had gotten divorce due to my weight my husband after 15 years of marriage wanted a skinner lady which her found and didnt take long ha 1 weekend , we started dating when I was 16 now he remarried and I am at 250 and move from AZ to Wa

December 1, 2010 - 9:57pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I think you should dump him. He doesn't love you. If he did, he would be welcoming you affectionately into his arms regardless of your weight, while assisting you in your weightloss attempts. Tell him to butt out of your life, and you can lose weight on your own. You will feel better about yourself, and you won't feel the necessity to settle for a man who puts conditions on his love for you.

October 26, 2010 - 11:15am
Christine Jeffries

Dear jemlovestravel,
Hi! Glad this is such a vibrant and respectful thread going. You should be reassured that there are many wonderful women here who want to see you truly happy and confident that you are making sound decisions.
That being said, I'm no relationship expert but as an innocent bystander I'm shocked no one has commented on the fact that your boyfriend is 22. Old soul or not, I would be hard pressed to say that at your age of 38, he could not possibly be "ready" for what you no doubt are looking for at this point in your life (I'm 39 and divorced once at 29, so I'm confident saying this). You can talk yourself into or out of anything. I convinced myself that my boyfriend at 27 really wanted to marry me even though he had doubts, regardless of what those were. Big mistake!
Please, please, please, respect yourself and make whatever decision you need to, but don't move in with him. I know about moving for a man, and it hardly ever works out. I wasted a lot of time with the wrong men. Be your own independent woman, move to be closer if you want to give it a shot, but get your own place. If you don't have the money, don't move. Stay where you are and focus on making a better life where you are, weight or not.
Good luck in your journey, and please let us all know what you decide and how you are doing.

July 1, 2010 - 9:40am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Okay, so we've got one gal who's bf convinced her she's too heavy to be attracted to and another gal who's boyfriend made her feel unattractive because she was too thin and "sickly." Wow.
I'll tell you a little story. I met a guy, my physical ideal of a man in a tiny town in CO. We started dating and it was like a dream in the beginning. I was thin, but had stretch marks from a growth spurt. The first time we became intimate? You guessed it. He commented on my stretch marks. "WTH? Stretch marks? Did you have a stinking kid or something?" My self esteem spiraled downward. 2nd insult: we were having beers one night, he stared at my nose and said, "Are you Jewish? because your nose is pretty big."
I had a decent self esteem before I met him. It wasn't long before I didn't have an ounce of self-confidence or self-respect left. You see, I KNEW I needed to leave. I FELT it.
I finally found the nerve to leave (at the 5 yr. mark) after I had had a miscarriage and he yelled at me for crying. He told me to "get the F over it." He never held my hand or hugged me. Never said, "We'll get through this." Nothing.
I moved to MT. You know what I discovered? Men actually DID find me attractive. I was in shock and in heaven. Paul came a knockin when he found out I was happy and thriving. What happened? Like an idiot I returned to him. He's like a toxic drug to me. One piece of advice, if it's not too late:
DON'T LET THESE GUYS GET INTO YOUR HEADS AND MAKE YOU FEEL UNWORTHY OF HAPPINESS OR THAT YOU NEED TO CHANGE.
Oh, yeah. Our sex life sucks. At first he claimed he wasn't attracted to me just because he didn't like me in the beginning (i.e. the first YEAR) I had stretch marks, I was too heavy, I'm wasn't nice enough. I didn't talk dirty enough. The list goes on and on. I have to BEG to get sex. How's that for a self esteem boost? Oh, I dated several guys in MT when we were broken up . . . never had to beg them. They adored me.
So, the moral of the story, you ask????? Run. Don't look back. Don't e-mail. Change your number. Forget you knew him. Because, when you completely distance yourself from toxic people you become free of them. You begin to patch up all the holes that guy put into your sense of self worth. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
He's threatened me. I finally sent out a bunch of e-mails to friends/family . . . you know one of those "if anything happens to me" things and I made sure to LET him know that I had told people.
7 years ago, I never would have seen this in my future. I'm now packing my car to leave. I'm not going to lie. It's tough. My identity has become so intertwined with him.
One of my friends, who was urging me to leave Paul, told me a long time ago, "What do you have to walk away from in order for God to show you your path?" I'm focusing on that. I have a path and a purpose to my life (AND SO DO YOU) and Paul has put a damper on that. NOT ANY MORE. :) At this point, Paul has eaten up a big chunk of my life. I'm not going to let him have any more of my time or love. There are times to stay and fight and there are times to walk away. You gals need to walk away. As do I. Best of luck to you. Don't be a doormat, be a diva and be proud of who you are. :)

June 19, 2010 - 7:34am
Cary Cook BSN RN (reply to Anonymous)

Amen, sister. There is nothing I can add other than thank you for sharing this and good luck in your new life. You've earned happiness-grab it and go with it.

June 19, 2010 - 8:08am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've been in a similar situation, where my boyfriend of 4 and a half months said he isn't really attracted to chubby girls. All of my friends have said he must be mad as I am not chubby but I have seen his other girlfriends who were stick insects in comparison so I guess I must of looked fat in comparison. He spent months trying to get me to go to gym, storming out on me saying I don't have any energy and if I just went to gym he thinks it would be better for me and him - that I needed to get goals in my life. This used to hurt me because I didn't understand why he was so mad at me. He finally admitted that he tried to love me but just couldn't which he made sound like not such a bad thing . I was devastated.

Then I got to thinking, hang on. I'm in love with him and so didn't look at him in that kind of light. I could have said to him well I don't really like men who have big biceps with no six-pack (in fact a little soft in the middle himself), who are less than 6 feet tall, have male pattern balding, have no financial security, or who only have two pairs of pants and no car. BUT of course I still loved him to bits - I loved the funny jeans with frayed edges and his cute balding head and then I thought hey isn't that what someone else is suppose to feel for me? If not then what the hell am I doing weeping over someone who is clearly not worth it?

The concept of what's in the inside is more important than what is on the outside is not just a concept we should be "feeding" to kids to make them feel better but think about it would he rather be with a lovely person like you who maybe has I little meat on her bones or some 2B pencil who couldn't care if he died in a gutter. He needs to grow up. If he is so superficial to chose the latter then I say leave him in the gutter and move on!

I eventually said to my ex, "So I see, if I go to gym and lose weight then everything will be fine and you would be attracted to me because I was thin"...then looked quizzically at him I followed it with (once he was nodding his head in agreement) "So does that mean you will have a frontal labotomy to change the fact that you are a horrible, superficial jerk because that is REALLY unattractive to me?"

Reading Alison B's comments and the marks of a healthy and unhealthy relationship was a good measure, and remember that if the relationship is unhealthy it will make you unhealthy too, not to mention very unhappy in the long run.

Good luck and I hope everything worked out in the end. Don't let anyone make believe that you are anything other than beautiful!

May 17, 2010 - 5:36am
Diane Porter (reply to Anonymous)

Anon,

You said it beautifully. And I very much admire your own personal growth through your experience with this boyfriend. It obviously was very hurtful to you in the beginning; the fact that you were able to center yourself, think it through and act on your own behalf is awesome. Thanks so much for sharing your story -- you will help everyone who reads this thread. Best wishes to you.

May 18, 2010 - 9:06am
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