15 years ago I met my husband, he was young free and single i was going thru divorce with 2 children. We had a very passionate and loving relationship that turned sour when real life started to take over, mortgage, bills, financial worries etc. As our relationship was failing I fell pregnant with his child. He tried to coerce me into having an abortion - i refused and he left me at 3 months pregnant. Now 10 years down the line we got back to gether (when our child was 4 years old) and have been married for 5 years. I am now 45 and earlier this year became pregnant after un protected sex. Sadly at 7 weeks i miscarried (i had a very bad fall and suffered deep trauma). My husband was sad for my loss but very relieved for himself as he ALWAYS made it clear that he doesn't want any children. I am desolate and inconsolable. I know he has a right to choose not to have children but I'm really struggling to cope with emotional issues over my previous pregnancy when he left me to go it alone (very sad,lonely and humiliating) and the loss of our unexpected but for me very much wanted baby. I know there will never be another chance for me. He is with holding sex because he fears i will try to get pregnant, although in the 5 years that we've been married sex is a very rare thing anyway. He always withdraws to avoid risk of preganancy and i find this humiliating too. Where is the love? Don't get me wrong he is a WONDERFUL father to our child, he is willing to sacrifice anything and everything for our child but this is precisely why he doesn't want another child - he doesn't want to have to put in that level of comittment or responsibility. I on the other hand would give my right arm to be able to pace the floorboards at night with a teething infant. I would happily change smelly nappy after smelly nappy and go through all the ups and downs of parenting, the financial, physical and emotional cost are more than worth it to me. I know that I'm in mourning for my lost baby and still grieving over my traumatic pregnancy all those years ago which left such a strong sense of being abandoned at my most vulnerable. I need closure on both of these issues and i have no idea how to go about it. on top of all this I am 45years old and time has really run out for me. Its not an option to say ok, lets divorce and I can try to have the kind of family I need with someone else - i don't have the time quite literally. Whilst he has plenty of time, he is only 39 and could have a whole new life with or without someone else if he wanted.
Now we are at an impass, we barely talk to each other, we are pleasant and accomodating to each other but we just don't 'talk' about what really matters because we both know that it will lead to arguements as both of our point of views are set in stone. I have tried writing to him to try and explain how deep my emotions go but he jst says 'what can I say' and we both know that I need him to say 'I love you and support you and understand your needs, lets try for another child'' and he needs me to say, 'Its ok darling the past is forgiven and forgotten lets enjoy our life together without the burden of more children'
this is something neither of us can do. Where do we go from here? unfortunately due to the remoteness of where we live councelling is out of the question which is why I've joined this community.
I need somehow to let go of my emotional issues and to accept that my childbearing days are over and to look forward to mid-life and retirement with hope and anticipation but all I see is increasing lonliness and isolation.
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