We have all been there, right? We have been lied to or we have lied. In relationships, the main reason that people lie is to remove themselves from situations that they were wrong about, correct?
What is the reasoning behind lying or deceiving people into believing something else? Is it for your own benefit? The benefit of the other person? We are all pretty selfish when it comes to needs and necessity, right?
Since this has recently happened to me, I have decided to research some aspects of the ethics of lying. This is what I have discovered. It is the virtue of ethics that makes lying wrong. Someone decided that lying is wrong although, sometimes lying may be lifesaving (as people lie to captors to be released, etc.).
What about grown-ups? There is actually a website called howtotelllying.com that offers 13 reasons why people lie. Here it comes. The 13 main reasons why people lie:
1. To avoid punishment/consequences.
2. To avoid a confrontation and general unpleasantness of the situation.
Sometimes we’re not afraid of consequences, we just want to avoid unpleasant conversation or bad feelings that might result out of telling the truth. For example, if we don’t want to go for happy hour drinks with our co-worker, we might reply to his invitation “I would love to. Unfortunately, I’ve already made plans for tonight.” Whilst the truth is we don’t want to go because he bores us to death.
3. To be liked.
4. To be sociable.
When we don’t care about being liked by someone, but still want to be pleasant, we might say a complement or two that we don’t really mean.
5. To get their way.
6. To protect privacy.
7. To pump their image up (personal or professional).
8. To avoid an extra effort.
9. As a passive-aggressive “punishment” or protest.
This might need an explanation. Suppose, we’re mad at somebody. This person comes to us with an extra ticket to the concert we would love to go to. But because we’re mad at him, we might want to punish him with a rejection. So, we say, “You know what? I don’t feel like going…”
Manipulators developed this one into almost an art form. A manipulator might actually agree to go to the concert, so the person wouldn’t have a chance to find someone else to accompany him to the event. But then, at the last minute, a manipulator would come up with some excuse not to go or simply stand the other person up.
10. To damage other people’s reputation, to harm someone.
You’re better off staying away from people who do it, even if they haven’t done it to you yet. One day they will.
11. It’s a part of their job.
A customer service representative might be required to say “I understand you concerns” to an angry customer, even if he thinks the customer is being totally unreasonable and irrational.
12. To cover up insecurity.
13. As a joke or a prank.
Sometimes it’s not just one reason, but a number of them.
For example, a sales person might be telling you that an awful shirt looks good on you because it’s a part of her job to give complements to customers and because she would get a commission (a gain) if you buy the shirt.
The above 13 reasons are for adult lying. Here’s the 10 top reasons why small children might lie:
1.For entertainment purpose or as an act of creativity
2. Because they think it’s funny
3. To test you
4. To avoid punishment/consequences
5. To get their way
6. To avoid an extra effort
7. To be liked
8. Out of fear
9. Small children might not realize they’re lying
10. It’s rare, but it does happen that small children lie to get someone else in trouble
You can check out the full website here http://www.howtotelllying.com/how-to-tell-lying/12-main-reasons-why-people-lie.
Do you know someone that is a compulsive liar? How do you deal with the complications of a relationship when nothing appears truthful?
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Add a Comment3 Comments
Miscortes,
So sorry for whatever and whoever it is that you are dealing with. Yes, I've been where you are.
And yes, I think it's hardest when you truly believed that someone had changed. Especially if you'd started taking them at their word again, without waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it drops after all, you can't believe it, all over again.
The compulsive liar in my life is a family member. He's a loving soul, but he lies. I can't pretend to untangle it.
It's very hard not to feel betrayed, attacked or taken for granted when someone is a compulsive liar. Sometimes we feel stupid, angry or hurt. Sometimes we feel all three.
It must be part of human nature -- or is it particularly the nature of women? I'm not sure -- that we want to believe so badly in those close to us, even if past evidence has shown us that it's not a high percentage move.
February 24, 2009 - 10:19amThis Comment
Thanks for your post, anonymous. It is certainly true that the lying happened to me the same day I posted this share. It is amazing how emotions are filtered into your writing and the truth be known, it was from a loved one.
I completely agree with your assessment on lying. There are certainly times that it is necessary. You don't want to hurt people, you don't want to pick out their flaws, etc. I completely agree.
When someone you love blatantly lies to you and are caught, your head and emotions run rampant. I started to shake, my heart felt as if it fell out of socket and there is nothing I can do nor that he can do to change that. I have known this person for approximately 10 years now. His compulsion is well known to me. When you think someone has changed and opened your heart and mind to the idea of something wonderful, the truth comes out that compulsion doesn't just go away. It is a way of life and it takes a strong person to walk away from that for a second time. You said it, "everything falls apart". Very true.
Thanks again for your comments.
February 22, 2009 - 9:25amThis Comment
Interesting post! It sounds like someone hurt you recently and I'm sorry for that. Congratulations on trying to understand it.
I think you missed one very important type of lying that really serves a higher truth. In our relationships, we get to see the good, the bad, and the ugly of our friends, mate, etc. Would continually calling out your friend's shortcomings, however real they are, help that person improve or would it tear them down? Most people aren't ready to see all of their dark side. I know from my own experience that facing some of my moral shortcomings now is a lot easier than earlier in my life when certain issues might have crushed me. Instead, I had people around me who realized that and called out a higher me that they saw as potential. To them, I am grateful.
So, whether you call that lying or not, it is a form of focusing on the truth as well.
ps. Someone didn't just decide that lying was wrong. Imagine how our world would be if lying were the norm rather than honesty. You could trust anyone around you, you couldn't buy anything without worrying that it wouldn't work they way it was promised, you wouldn't be able to save money in the bank because it might not be there tomorrow, you couldn't trust scientists who were more concerned about funding rather than finding the truth. The minute truth ceases to be an objective standard in our lives, then everything falls apart.
February 21, 2009 - 10:02pmThis Comment