I have always eaten healthy, proportional meals and was never overweight.
As a child I learned martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. In high school I found cheerleading and wakeboarding. I was always active and a honor roll student.
My parents told me and my sister that we were getting divorced my junior year, six months after my dear grandmother passed away. I was stunned, angry and numb. My grades started to slip and I couldn't focus. I realized that my boyfriend was distracting me and we broke up.
Doctors thought I was depressed and I started on a rollercoaster of antidepressants but nothing seemed to work. So I started seeing a physchologist weekly. I had no problem talking about my problems but it didn't help at all in my life. Then I went to a couple psychiatrists who threw around many labels: multiple personality disorder, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder. Thats when they put me on antipsychotics. I was a zombie at school. I may have been physically present but I could not think and my medication forced me to go to sleep early so I didn't have time for homework.
I got my act together to graduate with the help of school counselors and gracious teachers. But I was medicated and still lost being influenced by adolescent males. My medication made me crazy, literally and I ended up in the hospital after a week of chaos. I was so out of it I forgot to eat. In that week there were numerous pills, a totaled car, and a knife involved. I was put in the mental health hospital "voluntarily" to detox.
A cell. I have never been to jail but my stay in the hospital was probably worse. In the secure unit, there was only a bed in the room with windows and a camera. The bathroom had a plastic mirror so you could just see the light. After family visits and doctor consultations I was released with the promise to go back to my shrinks.
I did and finally my doctor did a blood test. They found out that I had hyperthyroid which can mask the signs of mental disorders. I was put on medication and started to feel better. Always an avid reader I bought all the books available at the bookstore about borderline personality disorder and devoured them. I felt I could relate but was still unsure if that was me. After months of research I decided to stop taking my medication.
Everyday was a struggle but I kept on going. I had to remind myself to eat because I wouldn't be hungry. My boyfriend encouraged me to start getting back into fitness. A little more every day, sometimes nothing. Then I started a fitness log and I was working out every day. It was a way to relieve stress and tension; a way to clear my mind and focus. I was able to set little goals like endurance and strength. I had more energy and was in a better mood.
These changes helped me stop seeing my psychologist weekly and then not at all. My thyroid levels started to level out and my diet became regular and healthy. I decided I wanted another opinion and saw another psychiatrist, who said that I he wouldn't diagnose me with any of my previous diagnoses.
Fitness makes me empowered and confident, something that I never truly felt. Fitness models became my role models and now I am aspiring to be one. It is my outlet, my passion and my health. I could not think of a better therapy.
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