share: My Bulimia Has Taken Over My Life
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Anonymous
November 14, 2009 - 11:56am
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I have been forcing my self to vomit for 20 years now. At least once a day. Some days as much as 7 times a day. I can't stop. The most I have gone without vomiting is 3 days. I am 44 and have been at this since 24. I don't even remember what it was like not to throw up. It consumes me. I am so afraid of dying from it. Can anyone help me please?
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Dear Anon
Thank you for your post.
I'm so sorry that you have been afflicted by such a long term disease like bulimia but I think it's pretty clear that you may need rehab for this - not just counseling. This has been your life for so long that you don't know a day without constant vomiting and the endless cycle of eating and throwing up.
I'm sure you know the risks of bulimia. Stomach ulcers, damaged teeth and gums, kidney, heart and gut damage as well as the psychological trauma involved.
You may need in or outpatient rehab for eating disorders. You may also be fine with counseling but look into some intense therapy. Do you have health insurance?
Your best bet is to contact your doctor and he or she can refer you to specialists who can help you more. You will be placed in good hands, in the care of people who have made their life mission to help others. Some may also have recovered themselves and have walked in your shoes.
Treatment may include cognitive behavioral therapy, medication, nutritional counseling and more. Bulimia is most definitely treatable and your life does not have to center around food and weight forever. This disease has gotten a hold of you for nearly half your life and it's time to take back control but it's doubtful that you can do this alone.
Do you have family support? Do they know of your bulimia? Can they accompany you to the doctor for support? Please let us know if you don't have health insurance and we'll look into other options for you.
Will you keep us posted?
November 14, 2009 - 12:29pmThis Comment
No, I don't have health insurance. Right now I don't even have a job. When I had insurance I was in Psychotherapy for a while. But, I still couldn't stop it. I have tried to kill myself 6 times. Cut my wrists, cut my arms at the inner elbows, took an overdose of pills, tried hanging myself - but the fixture broke, etc. The closet I got was a loaded gun that was wrestled out of my hands. I think about ways to die everyday. I was sexually molested by my mother, beaten by my father. My last boyfriend beat my face in, suffered no permanent damage. I have been in 4 major solo accidents and still didn't die. I am all alone. My dog of 12 years who was with me since she was 6 weeks old is dead. She got cancer and I had her put to sleep a week ago. I have no family to speak of. No friends. No job, no car...nothing to hold on to anymore.
November 14, 2009 - 1:12pmAnon
I'm so sorry about the death of your dog. That has to be terribly difficult for you.
It sounds like you are coming from a very difficult childhood and I'm sure you may be aware that sexual assault in childhood can often be a trigger for an eating disorder.
I'd like to put you in touch with the National Eating Disorders Association who can in turn put you in touch with a treatment center near you. They can assist you in finding one for free or at a sliding scale. Their phone number is toll free 1.800.931.2237. Their website is here : http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org
There is also the option of group counseling and this is a fraction of the cost of one on one. Additionally you will have the benefit of being with people who are walking in your shoes.
Will you please call them as soon as possible and start getting your life back? Please do. They will be able to provide you with a lot of information, including issues of cost.
Also, if you would like to tell us what state you live in (you can just give the state or send a personal message) - we may be able to help you even further.
How are you currently making ends meet? Are you on disability?
Please update us a little more and I promise you that there is hope out there and you have every chance of happy life. I hope to hear more from you.
November 14, 2009 - 5:57pmI will check out that website after I write this. I live in California, Fresno County.
November 15, 2009 - 12:20pmThank you for your advice. Yes I am on temporary disability, but it ended on the 12th of this month. I don't know if I can get it extended or not. I am in the Fresno County Mental Health system, but, they are really no help to me. They say they are going to help me but, never come through and usually just leave me on hold or never call back.
Anon
I can imagine how the mental health care system leaves you hanging and I'm sorry about that. They are under staffed and under funded but it's people with real problems, like you, who pay the price. They may also be not doing their jobs properly which is unacceptable.
Please try contacting them again. And definitely contact the organization I told you about. I was also able to locate a pretty extensive directory of rehabs in California. Unfortunately the free ones seem to be for drug and alcohol addiction but there may be others in there I have over looked. You can take a look at it here :
http://www.theagapecenter.com/Treatment-Centers/California.htm
Please call your mental health system tomorrow - it's worth one more shot, even though I know it's so frustrating. And please let me know how it goes with the National Eating Disorders Association. I think they are the people who will really know who and where you can go to for help.
I'll be checking back in with you tomorrow and this coming week to see how you are progressing. Please stay in touch-
November 15, 2009 - 12:50pmHi Anon
We haven't heard from you in a few days and I'm wondering how you are doing. Please check in with us when you can!
Susan
November 18, 2009 - 3:07pm