me and my partner were together for quite a while when i accidentally got pregnant about six months ago. we used to live together but we didn't really talk about planning a family, though we weren't backing up on it either. i'm 27 and he's 32, and although we haven't openly talked about having a baby, after a while into the relationship we decided to use no protection when having sex. and so it happened, i got pregnant, and i learned i was when i miscarried it. it was a biochemical pregnancy, 3 weeks into it at least, and it has changed me quite a lot, mentally, physically and emotionally.
it took me about 2 months to get a normal period. in the meantime i have experienced a real hormonal thunderstorm, so you can imagine the mood swings, the weight change (i was going +/- 10lb up and down from my normal weight), the way my whole body felt. for a whole month afterwards i still had a feeling i was pregnant, experiencing sore breasts, bloated stomach, some cramping, nausea. i still wonder if it was for hormones bursting all over the place or for the fact that i was still hoping my baby could have still been there somehow.
my ex travels a lot for work by default and that kept him away in those hard times in the first place. and he didn't really know how to handle it at all. both the fact that i got pregnant and the fact that i have miscarried. we were fighting furiously, as we never did before.
only now i understand the circle of guilt and self-hatred he was into. he wanted to be there for me but he wasn't, first because of his work and then because his fears and pain overpowered him. me on the other hand, i really needed him there physically with me, i needed to cry my heart out in his arms and that didn't happen. in the meantime i was blaming myself for every single thing i did in that month: a workout too much, a glass of wine on saturday night (i am a sports "addict" and this is as far as my alcohol consumption goes normally), not sleeping properly for a day or two.
final result? our relationship crumbled down in no time. moreover, we never gave each other a chance to talk the whole situation out throughly and calmly.
and now that it's christmas time, i can't help it and i end up thinking of how would it be if our baby would have lived (it was my first pregnancy and the same goes for him). we would probably be celebrating it together with both of our families as we did last year, just that we'd have a 6 months old bundle of life, joy and love growing inside of me making it the most special christmas ever.
and when i think of that i realize i'm not fully over my lost pregnancy at all, it kinda always kicks in when i think i have elaborated it finally. and i realize how slow the time passes for these things. i just realized how long those nine months really are. sometimes it seems like years have passed since that day i rushed to the hospital to see what's up, then i look at the dates and realize my baby wouldn't have been born yet. and yes, i imagine how she would look like (because i kinda "knew" it was a girl although it's impossible to prove, but i have never felt such a strong instinctive feeling in my life before) and how would it be having her with us.
i know it all sounds crazy and makes no sense at all, infact sometimes i think i might be going off the tracks a bit.
i don't know if anyone of you has been through a similar experience, but if it is so, then i hope this story of mine will make you feel a little less alone and a little more "normal".
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