How to Get Over Depression After a Breakup
Just get over him! Get into the dating scene. Throw his gifts away. Get involved in a new activity.
We’ve all heard virtually the same advice, and some if it can be helpful, but breakups suck no matter what.
Breakups from any type of relationship can cause sadness, grief or depression whether a woman initiates the breakup or not.
Susan Heitler, a clinical psychologist in Denver, Colo., says that there is a difference between grief and depression after a breakup.
“Grieving is the sadness that comes with any loss, but depression adds a level of powerlessness and negative thoughts,” Heitler said.
She said that powerlessness comes from feeling “that a breakup has been done to us, not that it was a mutual decision.”
Although it depends on how long you’ve been with the person and how deep the feeling of loss is, grieving over a lost relationship usually should last only a little over a week, she said.
After a week, if the woman is still getting “lots of negative self-thoughts,” it might be depression.
“If someone feels like there’s a negative dark cloud hanging over them, then they’ve shifted from grieving into depression,” Heitler said.
When there’s depression involved, it’s best to see a therapist or psychologist, but there are some actions you can do to ease some pain.
Heitler suggests trying to communicate with an ex-partner.
“To be able to say your own thoughts, to share your view, is empowering, so then it doesn’t feel like there’s something done to you, but rather like you’ve had input also,” she said.
When an ex is unwilling to talk over the phone or in-person, an e-mail or letter can help.
Although throwing out gifts and memories of an ex can be cliché, it can also help in certain cases.
“It’s a way to say, ‘Okay, I’m ending that era of my life and readying myself to go onto something new,’” Heitler said. “It gives you a feeling of, ‘I’m taking charge now, I’m in the driver’s seat.’ It’s not essential but it can be helpful.”
However, many people have the opposite reaction and want to keep everything and put it in a safe place.
We value and respect the experiences of all of our HERWriters, but everyone is different. Many of our writers are speaking from personal experience, and what's worked for them may not work for you. Their articles are not a substitute for medical advice although we hope you can gain knowledge from their insight.
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I think it's a great idea to be active on most of these methods here, but one thing I have found from personal experience that really can make the depression sink to a new degree is the imaginary conversations. Sometimes you end up dwelling on what you both had at one time, the special laughs you used to share, etc. Be very careful with what you imagine in conversation. But, if you're too modest and stick with generics ("Hi, nice to see you. That is good. Ok goodbye.") you might be setting yourself up to feeling quite empty, feeling as though there should have been more to it than just that. Just my two cents for that department. The rest of the techniques seem to have far less negative possibilities.
June 29, 2010 - 3:15pmThis Comment
Anon,
I agree...the "imaginary conversations with ex" could spiral out of control if not used appropriately, or if used too frequently that it becomes something you dwell on.
The Psychology Today article said this about these imaginary conversations, and why they are beneficial:
"Airing pent-up issues and feelings [can] help let go and...move forward into a relationship with a terrific guy...".
"Similarly allowing yourself to be with and process your own thoughts and feelings, no matter how painful they are will also allow you to move beyond them and the guy who triggered it all."
This makes a little more sense, as long as it is used as a type of closure to vent frustrations, resentments and anger...to then "let it go" and move on to other friendships, activities and thoughts.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
June 29, 2010 - 8:00pmI always found that this helped me get over my ex http://howtofixstuff.blogspot.com/2012/01/how-to-get-over-break-up.html
January 27, 2012 - 1:38pmA week to get over a lost relationship ? How deep is your ocean ?
July 3, 2010 - 6:46amIt has been almost 2 months since my soulmate decided to leave me. I have cried every day, I can't work, I can't eat, I can't sleep, the pain is unbearable. I have tried all the methods I could find on this site and others, but nothing works. I don't know how to move on and let him go. I have tried therapy, anti depression meds, etc. I feel like the pain will never stop and I will never stop crying
July 16, 2010 - 8:32pmHi Anon
Thanks for your post and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this kind of heartbreak.
Taking anti-depressants for something natural like heartbreak over a break up isn't always a great idea. And if you have only taken them for less than two months, they may not have had a chance to work. Feeling the way you feel right now is very normal and doesn't need a chemical 'cure' as that only treats the symptoms, not the cause. It has only been two months (and I know that feels like an eternity) but it can take up to a year (or less, or more...) to get over a loss like this. Two months is actually a short time and your feelings are very natural.
You need to give yourself a lot more time to get back to 'normal' again. To be expected to 'move on' after less than two months is not always realistic. Some people need a lot longer.
I think you're not giving yourself enough time. I think going back into therapy is a good idea and as annoying as this may be to hear, taking up a daily exercise regime will really, really help.
Talk to friends about how you feel and stay busy with activities. Work again and get back on a schedule again. Letting this take over your life will damage you if you don't get help to begin again. Therapy or a support group will be instrumental in this. You are allowing yourself to drown in this and not allowing yourself the opportunity you need and deserve to get better again.
Heartache really does hurt us, physically as well as emotionally. But I promise you that the pain WILL stop and you WILL stop crying. It will happen. Time is a great healer and that's not just a cliche. Time will allow the open wounds to heal. Just like an arm break or a leg break that's in a cast, we need to take time to let things heal. You need a cast for your heart and this cast is time, friends, family and a support group/therapy.
I remember my heart breaking and it felt like my heart was actually and physically in pain. My body ached and I had to place ice over my eyes to get the swelling down from crying. Then at times I literally felt numb, like every feeling was stripped from me and I had become zombified. I didn't know which was worse - the intense pain of heartache or the endless numbness that was like watching life happen as if I didn't exist. Feeling invisible as the world continues on is a horrible feeling.
Anon, please give yourself time and get back into therapy. Give these tools a chance to work before giving up.
You are not alone Anon, and this will get better, I promise.
I hope to hear back from you soon,
July 17, 2010 - 6:42am~Susan
I completely agree with you Susan.
And I have found too that it took me about a year to truly get over a bad heart break...
I did think it was a little weird to read that it takes "a week" to stop grieving over a relationship; but the more I think about it, the less I find it stange.
After all, if there is a breakup, there is something wrong in the relationship, and it should not take that long to move on with your life if you are a happy issue-less person.
I think things take so much more time for people because breakups bring to the surface issues unrelated to them, about ourselves.
I know that for me, it brought up heavy things about my abandonment issues (daddy issues if you will); and I'm sure everyone goes through similar things.
It's hard to open up to someone and have them so close, so able to hurt us... and have them do it; sometimes just by not being the right person at the right time. But in truth, I do think that we spend more time grieving about past hurts than we do about the actual person we lost in the process.
July 27, 2010 - 4:01amDontworry your not alone . i feel the same way. But my ex asked out my bestfriend after a week of breaking up with mr and she didnt answerr him yet. It hurts even more because the day befor that he told me he was going to maybe give me another chance then he does this. What do i do ? i love him with all i have.... ;(
June 17, 2011 - 3:18pmI think a week is far too short to get over the ending of a relationship in terms of grieving. Especially if you are an adult where the relationship was hopefully a deep and meaningful one. The ending of a relationship is similar to a death. I would say 2 months or so is within the realm of reason for depth of the soul grieving. Then comes hopefully understanding that while you may still miss and even yearn for that person for sometime after, this may not ever be possible again. In order to achieve healthy acceptance of this, therapy is not a bad idea. As for medication to help with the grief, I think that depends on the level of uncomfortableness and anxiety. After the end of my last relationship I found it necessary to take 1/2 but no more than 1 mg of Klonopin daily because the anxiety and discomfort was so intense esp.in the morning. It didn't cut it completely, but enough to function in my daily routine and calm my chest. As my grief period ended so did the meds. What I've come to realize is that while I have been dating and having interesting times with men since the breakup, because no one has yet taken the place of my ex in my heart yet, he is still taking up space in my brain and I miss him. But this also makes me realize that when and if I do find someone else whom I care about, the yearning for my ex will dissipate (but possibly never completely because of our very long history). Final thought.. DO NOT call or have contact under any circumstance while grieving. This will only lead to feeling worse. Remove his/her number from your cell phones, remove all items that remind you of him/her. Spread out your calls to friends for support so you don't overburden one or two friend. Get professional support and if you ever thought about taking up a particular hobby, this is a great time to start to keep busy. And cry.. it really does help.
August 5, 2010 - 8:56pmMy girlfriend of four years just broke up with me 2 months ago. She was my soul mate in every way. I love her with all my heart ands soul and I am destroyed. The pain sometimes is unbearable. I am taking anxiety meds and although my dr. prescribed anti depressants, I have yet to take them, although I may start because the depression is not fading at all. No sleep at night. Feelings of just existing. One of the worst parts of this whole thing is not only the loss of my best friend and lover, but the loss of our future together. We had planned on spending our future together all the way to old age. Now when I look forward, I see NOTHING. I have no reason for existing. All is numb. This is easily the most painful thing that I have ever gone through in my life. I cry at the slightest thought of her or I will see someone who reminds me of her or has the same body shape or even just seeing two people holding hands and being in love will send me into a deep all day depression. This sucks.
October 31, 2011 - 1:56pm