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My boyfriend wont have sex with me anymore

By December 17, 2009 - 8:02pm
 
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my boyfriend for over a year just recently stopped having sex with me, its like it went from 3 or 4 times a week and slowly went to not having it for almost 2 months, every time i ask him why he wont play with me anymore he always says i don't know, i didn't want to make it feel like i was bugging him but i guess it just hurt when he said he didn't know? So i kept asking him and then i finally got a response which i just think he gave me so i would stop asking and he just said i feel like your getting bored of me. I've tried many times to tell him that its not really about the sex its about being with him and he still wont have sex with me.. i feel like i'm not wanted or i'm not good enough. I just want to know what the problem is, sex used to be a big part of our relationship and now its nothing.

I know it shouldnt but this is really making me depressed i've been crying more because of this i get mad easly because he just seems like he doesnt care anymore. Also i know he doesn't have a STD or anything else we get checked.

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Way I see it, he's probably holding off on sex on account of the baby. He's probably worried about the baby being harmed in some way. This is very unlikely but u could see where he is coming from. If that is the case it would mean that he is going to be a good father.

As for why he wouldn't tell you this right off the bat, it's probably because he's worried that you would take this reason the wrong way. This might also be why he refuses to see a psychologist - he probably already knows the reason why.

October 1, 2015 - 10:16pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Omg my life to the tee. Literally pregnant with our son as well, due Oct 12. I'm hoping it's just stress over recent money issues and low testosterone due to new medication. It is almost impossible for me to not feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like he's not ino me because I'm pregnant which is one thing, but even scarier, worried he's just not interested in me anymore. Period. I haven't put a lot of weight on, only baby. I still do my makeup,shave, shower....I'm still pretty damn hot considering I look like I swallowed a watermelon. I finally wrote down why I've been having crying fits throughout the day/night and he never talked to me about it after work. he still touche's me and kisses mE. Everything else is perfect in our relationship except that were not having sex. I hope his getting back to work and me finally having our baby will eventually lead back to a sex life. Or I'll have to leave....and I dont want to, I just want him to want me too.

September 19, 2015 - 6:02pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

***ALSO*I'm kind of upset that I wrote down everything and he never even tried to explain anything to me. maybe he feels like he's already told me so many times but how long will this last? I'm in my prime. Also he is 8yrs older than me too, I try to keep a lot in mnd but it seems like he's just constantly making excuses and it's gotta be me. He couldn't keep his hands off me before. It was a lot of hard work to get pregnant but he loved every minute of it. And then when he lost his job sex stopped.

September 19, 2015 - 6:19pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Sounds like stress from the way you put it. Maybe even a bit of exhaustion too. When a man gets tired or stressed (or both) sex isn't on his mind as much, and when it is its not the same as before. Give it time, time heals all wounds and I'm sure that's what he needs.

As for your letter, that depends on what kind of person he is. Maybe in his own mind he thought you were just venting out your emotions, or he's just a bit scared and doesn't know how to reply to what you said and figured that if it's really important to you that you'll bring it up again, or he just never saw/read it.

There obviously could be other reasons but that's what I can think off.

October 1, 2015 - 10:24pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

First of all, I am a man, who has struggled with the very same problem from the opposite side that many of you are dealing with. I'm not sure if anything I'm am a bout to say is going to be helpful at all but here goes...

I have battled with trying to maintain healthy sexual relationships since I have been sexually active. I can usually keep them up for a while but always exhaust myself, as sex always seems more like a duty then a release. It always seems to be the woman's domain; something that I should do to please her, and should feel grateful for the opportunity, but over time would ultimately just make me feel bad, that my sexuality was something so terrible it could never be emphasized in any relationship.

I think this feeling for me starts with the formation of any male/female relationship I have had, where as a man I must assume all risk and/or cost in pursuing the relationship. I have to ask the girl out, plan and pay for our first dates, define the relationship, and push any kind of intimacy sexually or otherwise if it is to happen. Most of my first relationships were with women who wanted to wait until marriage for any kind of sexual intimacy, which I was fine with, I just didn't want to get married so young, which was something they seemed to push. This did haunt me after college when many of my more adult relationships would fall apart because I would tend to stall out at second base. I was a virgin until my early 20's.

I got over this at around the time I met my current partner. We met later in college. The first month of dating was a slow escalation of me pushing towards sex, which I'm still not sure why I did. Even at that time I had trouble finishing during sex, even with partners before her, however I was very mindful of her needs both emotionally and physically, and she did not seem to mind so neither did I.

We would have sex usually once a day and I would finish with her about every 3rd or 4th time. Sometimes finishing myself in another room afterward, sometimes not. Over the next year or two I will admit that with the strain of being the primary bread winner and escalating our relationship, I did start to neglect my duties in the bedroom. I would try and start having sex but would usually peter out about halfway through. I could masturbate just fine, but not sex. She was very proactive about this surprising me with lingerie and asking me what new things I might want to try. I asked her the same and she said she just wanted our sex to be like it was in the beginning of our relationship. I did have passing fascinations with bdsm and other fetishes so we delved into that, and while she would seem excited about it in conversation she would always seem more passive about it in practice. She tended to be more passive with sex in general though, initiating and then letting me take control.

Eventually I took maters into my own hands and just started these increasingly intense cycles of not masturbating, or watching porn, limiting exercise, taking testosterone supplements, and Viagra to help me bring back the original passion of our relationship. However, the longer I keep the regime up the more I crave the freedom and relaxation of a long run or a quick masturbation session before bed, and the more I begin to resent her.

Usually I just take to orally pleasing her a lot when I don't feel like doing those things. Which I know bothers her, but it is even worse when she gets frustrated when I can't cum and launches into a bout of insecurity about her body or accusing me of cheating. I always feel terrible when she spirals, as I know that I am the cause to her problems. Usually a few weeks or months of this and I start a new cycle.

I try not to look at porn as much as I can, I will go months without looking at it at all and then break down and watch a lot of it for a week or two before quitting and purging again. Usually I just imagine various scenarios while masturbating or during sex, many even involving my partner, some that we had even tried but failed in the past.

Honestly sex is kind of non issue these days as I would prefer to spend my time improving myself both physically and with my career, as they both give me more validity then sex. I love my partner and want to keep her happy, it is just really hard because I never feel sexy around her. The most difficult thing is if she is trying to get me in the mood and I ask her why she wants to have sex with me and she answers with something sweet like because she loves me, it just makes me feel so unattractive. I don’t want to be loveable I want to be fuckable. Honestly I feel like our sex life has nothing to do with me, and I'm just here to satisfy her urges because it's my duty :(

August 4, 2015 - 9:29pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am in the same situation. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and at the begginning we had amaizing sex and right off the bat he stopped having sex with me. After about three years he confessed to has erectile disfunction and has been taking viagra pills for a while and they have seem to stop working and so he had a lot of anxiety about it, he didn't want to touch me so I would think he was in the mood and would keep me as distracted as much he could. We haven't have sex at all since that discussion. It breaks my heart because for me it's the intimacy and the connection i'm missing. It affects me and our relationship a lot. Every time I approach him I get rejected it hurts so much and he never wants to talk about it. I'm so discurage i don't know what to do anymore.

August 3, 2015 - 8:29pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I have a two year old with a man who I've been with 5 years and I think I've heard every excuse in the book about why he won't ... He has no desire , or I was still breast feeding etc it's been over 4 months since I've had sex with him and I brought it up and he makes me feel creepy about asking saying that is all I want but I learned a long time ago to never bring it up but now I finally did and it's the worst for me . He says that's all I care about ?? After 4 plus months and always going months without it . Lingerie doesn't work and makes it worse ( performance anxiety ?) is it really a deal breaker this sex thing ? How long are you considering of staying? I have a long time to go with such a young child I pray every day that things work themselves out and I've done a lot of soul searching but i wonder what I am going to do in the end here when baby is old enough and I'm more stable. It causes me a lot of depression to say the least and I'm super sad . What are you going to do with your situation

September 27, 2015 - 4:23pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Well I'm going to give it some time, adjust our new family, get financially stable again, etc. Did you read what to expect? I've read the one for pregnancy and the first year so far. I will say this, my hubbs has had a very strong sympathy pregnancy with me from the beginning. He still is on an ice cream craze, which on his medication specifically increases estrogen. Also when men react to pregnancy they have lower testosterone (which also happens on his medication as well) an produce other female hormones to help them become more nurturing and keep their libido in check while partner is pregnant and post Partum as well when women can't have sex for a few weeks to make it easier for both people. definitely give that a read, it's the Father section f the book and it's all basically about men struggling with low libido during and following pregnancy. So I will give it time. I told him that I'm too young to be in a sexless marriage and when we met we both said we enjoyed sex. I asked him plenty times if hell have sex with me after the baby and he says of course and acts like I'm asking some crazy question when we haven't had sex in months and the one time we did he didn't finisg cause he got soft. So I think it's hormonal and situational. Its very hard not to take it personally and depending on the outcome, I will eventually leave if things never change because I'll end up meeting someone new or I'll lose interest myself. All the guys comments on here are really just stupid to even read. I was so sensitive when I read them and then I realized how fucking awesome I am, I'm sure things will go back to normal when there's not a third person involed in our bedroom. He also made a comment about the baby moving during sex and if it would bother me, so I think it might bother him more than he leads on. Right now I'm a baby maker and his hormones are really to blame as well. He's stuck with me through worse situations and knowing we may never have a child of our own. I at least will give this time for sure. But not forever because if he loves me he'll figure something out to make it work for us both. Until then I'm not really horny anyways and hes been making an effort to make me feel beautiful and desired regardless and I'm getting a good amount of intimacy too. Have you guys had any time to go out alone and just be a couple since the baby?

September 28, 2015 - 4:17am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm having a very similar problem and it really hurts, I'm 18 years old and I've almost been with my partner of 20 for a year, we used to have sex quite often but in the entire time that we've officially been together, we have not done anything sexual at all. I don't understand, he tells me I'm his 'entire world' and he'd do everything and anything for me, well obviously not! I've tried everything possible but he always tells me he doesn't feel like it or he doesn't want to and one time he even started crying. We then talked about it and he said he was going to go see someone, but he never did. He seems to act like I'm the one at fault, I'm the bad one because I want a relationship which involves sex. I love him as a person and I do accept that he may not want sex as often as I do but he also needs to accept that this is what we need to make the relationship work. I can't live in this sexless, passionless relationship forever, we all need to lay it down to these men! They either want us or they don't, we can't live unhappily anymore! Good luck to all those going through the same issue! x

July 25, 2015 - 10:01am
(reply to Anonymous)

Been having the same problems, it's been more than five months for me! No touching my booty or anything. I have no idea what's going on, I do all that I can to make us closer

July 30, 2015 - 9:53am
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