Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

Good question,
Love has no cause. What matters most right now is what effects would this action do to you not him. If you stalk him or even slightly spy on him now, what you are doing is dissipating your own energy which you need to move on from a conflictive and destructive relationship. Destructive to you psychologically, physically, emotionally, to you. I would have to say take this time and stalk yourself. Seriously lol Be aware and have this immense attention on yourself. Love yourself, attend to your life, take care of yourself, being careful, All those come when you are responsible. By responding adequately to any challenge thrown at you in life you are responsible. Real responsibility means being careful therefor it's infinite care.

You must love yourself at great depths, and you must admit that you have never loved anybody in your life. Who will admit that? Once we see the fact, and feel it in our hearts and minds that... We have never loved another in our life! This requires us to start looking inwardly, this moment of looking inward is called insight this insight is real love! This insight has no cause whatsoever.

Peace and love, peace and love

I have the same problem here. I am sure most men would love to have sex with me but my boyfriend. He seems to have problem with diet as he just moved to asia and having no job. Or maybe he is not used to asian girl like me! We have talked about it and he said his hormone goes down as he has no job and he didn't feel I am close enough to himI felt so ambarrassed to have to beg for it and I refused him last time. I know it sounds stupid but can't help it, he made me feel not attractive anymore, I'd rather taking care of myself than having him doing it just for my sake for now on, but don't think it's going to last long. He showed me a condom today saying he bought it for us sometimes ago and I felt really wrong about it, what the F is he showing me the thing while we r not using it? Probally we will break up if this situation continues...Maybe it's my fault or it's just the difference betwen cultures.

wow!!! ya'll cant blame this shit on cheatin!! if u know ur man u know if he cheated on u or not and u really shuldnt be haven sex if ur not really in love.. cuz makin love is intimate!!!
my bf was jus tellin me last nite if i wanted to reduce the times we have sex, or actually stop.. wen i asked y, ther wer so many reasons, like he feels like he pressured me at first and he wants to fix it, like he feels like he doesnt satisfy me as much anymore, like he feels that since i like sex so much now that i mite cheat on him (cuz his ex ended up cheatin on him), and like he feels like my curiosity wont be just for him.. and thers more.. we talked abt it.. he is man enough to talk to me abt this and tell me why.. he didnt make a decision but he asked my opinion.. how he feels is not rite tho and i hav to work on proven to him that he actually satisfies me and all.. but thats not the point! i sure dont wna stop havin sex, but if he makes that decision then i sure as hell will respect and i kno damn well that he wont cheat on me... point is, thers so many different reasons on y a guy would wna reduce havin sex or stop it for a certain amount of time!!! its not always cheatin.. but u jus gotta talk it out with ur man and see the reason y! dont let it go until u kno y.. calmly talk abt it and that will answer ur q.. and if ur bf didnt wna answer, then u can say "is it cuz ur cheatin on me and i dont satisfy u enough?" or smthn like that, still calmly.. if he says no then he shuld just explain it to u.. but if he says yes or he still doesnt giv u an answer, then cheatin mite b a possibility...
hope i really helped...

Please read attentively :)

You mentioned you love him, and you are not going to leave him because of bad or no sex yes? Look, the moment you mention that to yourself and when that thought crosses your brain, it's already came into existence. It's already going to happen, please be aware of what I am trying to convey. This is your life! When you say you love and wont leave someone because of bad sex. I say you wouldn't even think of that if it was true. There would be no mention of that and therefor no duration. This thought of me never leaving because of bad or no sex is a fallacy! It is an ideal and not factual. So this thought which says I wont leave because of sex, is the very thought which makes me actually leave because of sex. The demand to be safe in relationship inevitably breeds sorrow and fear. This seeking for security is inviting insecurity. Have you ever found security in any of your relationships? Have you? Most of us want the security of loving and being loved, but is there love when each one of us is seeking his own security, his own particular path?

We are not loved because we don't know how to love. What is love? The word is so loaded and corrupted that I hardly like to use it. Everybody talks of love - every magazine and newspaper and every missionary talks everlastingly of love. I love my country, I love my king, I love some book, I love that mountain, I love pleasure, I love my wife, I love God. Is love an idea? If it is, it can be cultivated, nourished, cherished, pushed around, twisted in any way you like.

When you say you love God what does it mean? It means that you love a projection of your own imagination, a projection of yourself clothed in certain forms of respectability according to what you think is noble and holy; so to say, `I love God', is absolute nonsense. When you worship God you are worshipping yourself - and that is not love.
Because we cannot solve this human thing called love we run away into abstractions. Love may be the ultimate solution to all man's difficulties, problems and travails, so how are we going to find out what love is? By merely defining it? The church has defined it one way, society another, and there are all sorts of deviations and perversions. Adoring someone, sleeping with someone, the emotional exchange, the companionship - is that what we mean by love? That has been the norm, the pattern, and it has become so tremendously personal, sensuous, and limited that religions have declared that love is something much more than this. In what they call human love they see there is pleasure, competition, jealousy, the desire to possess, to hold, to control and to interfere with another's thinking, and knowing the complexity of all this they say there must be another kind of love, divine, beautiful, untouched, uncorrupted.

Throughout the world, so-called holy men have maintained that to look at a woman is something totally wrong: they say you cannot come near to God if you indulge in sex, therefore they push it aside although they are eaten up with it. But by denying sexuality they put out their eyes and cut out their tongues for they deny the whole beauty of the earth. They have starved their hearts and minds; they are dehydrated human beings; they have banished beauty because beauty is associated with woman.

Can love be divided into the sacred and the profane, the human and the divine, or is there only love? Is love of the one and not of the many? If I say,`I love you', does that exclude the love of the other? Is love personal or impersonal? Moral or immoral? Family or non-family? If you love mankind can you love the particular? Is love sentiment? Is love emotion? Is love pleasure and desire? All these questions indicate, don't they, that we have ideas about love, ideas about what it should or should not be, a pattern or a code developed by the culture in which we live.
So to go into the question of what love is we must first ideals and ideologies of what it should or should not be. To divide anything into what should be and what is, is the most deceptive way of dealing with life.

Now how am I going to find out what this flame is which we call love - not how to express it to another but what it means in itself? I will first reject what the church, what society, what my parents and friends, what every person and every book has said about it because I want to find out for myself what it is. Here is an enormous problem that involves the whole of mankind, there have been a thousand ways of defining it and I myself am caught in some pattern or other according to what I like or enjoy at the moment - so shouldn't I, in order to understand it, first free myself from my own inclinations and prejudices? I am confused, torn by my own desires, so I say to myself, `First clear up your own confusion. Perhaps you may be able to discover what love is through what it is not.'

The government says, `Go and kill for the love of your country'. Is that love? Religion says, `Give up sex for the love of God'. Is that love? Is love desire? Don't say no. For most of us it is – desire with pleasure, the pleasure that is derived through the senses, through sexual attachment and fulfilment. I am not against sex, but see what is involved in it. What sex gives you momentarily is the total abandonment of yourself, then you are back again with your turmoil, so you want a repetition over and over again of that state in which there is no worry, no problem, no self. You say you love your wife. In that love is involved sexual pleasure, the pleasure of having someone in the house to look after your children, to cook. You depend on her; she has given you her body, her emotions, her encouragement, a certain feeling of security and well-being. Then she turns away from you; she gets bored or goes off with someone else, and your whole emotional balance is destroyed, and this disturbance, which you don't like, is called jealousy. There is pain in it, anxiety, hate and violence. So what you are really saying is, `As long as you belong to me I love you but the moment you don't I begin to hate you. As long as I can rely on you to satisfy my demands, sexual and otherwise, I love you, but the moment you cease to supply what I want I don't like you.' So there is antagonism between you, there is separation, and when you feel separate from another there is no love. But if you can live with your wife without thought creating all these contradictory states, these endless quarrels in yourself, then perhaps - perhaps - you will know what love is. Then you are completely free and so is she, whereas if you depend on her for all your pleasure you are a slave to her. So when one loves there must be freedom, not only from the other person but from oneself.

This belonging to another, being psychologically nourished by another, depending on another - in all this there must always be anxiety, fear, jealousy, guilt, and so long as there is fear there is no love; a mind ridden with sorrow will never know what love is; sentimentality and emotionalism have nothing whatsoever to do with love. And so love is not to do with pleasure and desire.

Love is not the product of thought which is the past. Thought cannot possibly cultivate love. Love is not hedged about and caught in jealousy, for jealousy is of the past. Love is always active present. It is not `I will love' or `I have loved'. If you know love you will not follow anybody. Love does not obey. When you love there is neither respect nor disrespect. Don't you know what it means really to love somebody - to love without hate, without jealousy, without anger, without wanting to interfere with what he is doing or thinking, without condemning, without comparing - don't you know what it means? Where there is love is there comparison? When you love someone with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your body, with your entire being, is there comparison? When you totally abandon yourself to that love there is not the other.

Does love have responsibility and duty, and will it use those words? When you do something out of duty is there any love in it? In duty there is no love. The structure of duty in which the human being is caught is destroying him. So long as you are compelled to do something because it is your duty you don't love what you are doing. When there is love there is no duty and no responsibility.

Most parents unfortunately think they are responsible for their children and their sense of responsibility takes the form of telling them what they should do and what they should not do, what they should become and what they should not become. The parents want their children to have a secure position in society. What they call responsibility is part of that respectability they worship; and it seems to me that where there is respectability there is no order; they are concerned only with becoming a perfect bourgeois. When they prepare their children to fit into society they are perpetuating war, conflict and brutality. Do you call that care and love? Really to care is to care as you would for a tree or a plant, watering it, studying its needs, the best soil for it, looking after it with gentleness and tenderness - but when you prepare your childrren to fit into society you are preparing them to be killed. If you loved your children you would have no war. When you lose someone you love you shed tears - are your tears for yourself or for the one who is dead? Are you crying for yourself or for another? Have you ever cried for another? Have you ever cried for your son who is killed on the battlefield? You have cried, but do those tears come out of self-pity or have you cried because a human being has been killed? If you cry out of self-pity your tears have no meaning because you are concerned about yourself. If you are crying because you are bereft of one in whom you have invested a great deal of affection, it was not really affection. When you cry for your brother who dies cry for him. It is very easy to cry for yourself because he is gone. Apparently you are crying because your heart is touched, but it is not touched for him, it is only touched by self- pity and self-pity makes you hard, encloses you, makes you dull and stupid.

When you cry for yourself, is it love - crying because you are lonely, because you have been left, because you are no longer powerful - complaining of your lot, your environmment - always you in tears? If you understand this, which means to come in contact with it as directly as you would touch a tree or a pillar or a hand, then you will see that sorrow is self-created, sorrow is created by thought, sorrow is the outcome of time. I had my brother three years ago, now he is dead, now I am lonely, aching, there is no one to whom I can look for comfort or companionship, and it brings tears to my eyes. You can see all this happening inside yourself if you watch it. You can see it fully, completely, in one glance, not take analytical time over it. You can see in a moment the whole structure and nature of this shoddy little thing called `me', my tears, my family, my nation, my belief, my religion - all that ugliness, it is all inside you. When you see it with your heart, not with your mind, when you see it from the very bottom of your heart, then you have the key that will end sorrow. Sorrow and love cannot go together, but in the Christian world they have idealized suffering, put it on a cross and worshipped it, implying that you can never escape from suffering except through that one particular door, and this is the whole structure of an exploiting religious society.
So when you ask what love is, you may be too frightened to see the answer. It may mean complete upheaval; it may break up the family; you may discover that you do not love your wife or husband or children - do you? - you may have to shatter the house you have built, you may never go back to the temple.

But if you still want to find out, you will see that fear is not love, dependence is not love, jealousy is not love, possessiveness and domination are not love, responsibility and duty are not love, self-pity is not love, the agony of not being loved is not love, love is not the opposite of hate any more than humility is the opposite of vanity. So if you can eliminate all these, not by forcing them but by washing them away as the rain washes the dust of many days from a leaf, then perhaps you will come upon this strange flower which man always hungers after. If you have not got love - not just in little drops but in abundance if you are not filled with it - the world will go to disaster. You know intellectually that the unity of mankind is essential and that love is the only way, but who is going to teach you how to love? Will any authority, any method, any system, tell you how to love? If anyone tells you, it is not love. Can you say, `I will practice love. I will sit down day after day and think about it. I will practice being kind and gentle and force myself to pay attention to others?'

Do you mean to say that you can discipline yourself to love, exercise the will to love? When you exercise discipline and will to love, love goes out of the window. By practising some method or system of loving you may become extraordinarily clever or more kindly or get into a state of non-violence, but that has nothing whatsoever to do with love.

In this torn desert world there is no love because pleasure and desire play the greatest roles, yet without love your daily life has no meaning. And you cannot have love if there is no beauty. Beauty is not something you see - not a beautiful tree, a beautiful picture, a beautiful building or a beautiful woman. There is beauty only when your heart and mind know what love is. Without love and that sense of beauty there is no virtue, and you know very well that, do what you will, improve society, feed the poor, you will only be creating more mischief, for without love there is only ugliness and poverty in your own heart and mind. But when there is love and beauty, whatever you do is right, whatever you do is in order. If you know how to love, then you can do what you like because it will solve all other problems. So we reach the point: can the mind come upon love without discipline, without thought, without enforcement, without any book, any teacher or leader - come upon it as one comes upon a lovely sunset? It seems to me that one thing is absolutely necessary and that is passion without motive - passion that is not the result of some commitment or attachment, passion that is not lust. A man who does not know what passion is will never know love because love can come into being only when there is total self-abandonment. A mind that is seeking is not a passionate mind and to come upon love without seeking it is the only way to find it - to come upon it unknowingly and not as the result of any effort or experience. Such a love, you will find, is not of time; such a love is both personal and impersonal, is both the one and the many. Like a flower that has perfume you can smell it or pass it by. That flower is for everybody and for the one who takes trouble to breathe it deeply and look at it with delight. Whether one is very near in the garden, or very far away, it is the same to the flower because it is full of that perfume and therefore it is sharing with everybody.

Love is something that is new, fresh, alive. It has no yesterday and no tomorrow. It is beyond the turmoil of thought. It is only the innocent mind which knows what love is, and the innocent mind can live in the world which is not innocent. To find this extraordinary thing which man has sought endlessly through sacrifice, through worship, through relationship, through sex, through every form of pleasure and pain, is only possible when thought comes to understand itself and comes naturally to an end. Then love has no opposite, then love has no conflict. You may ask, `If I find such a love, what happens to my wife, my children, my family? They must have security.' When you put such a question you have never been outside the field of thought, the field of consciousness. When once you have been outside that field you will never ask such a question because then you will know what love is in which there is no thought and therefore no time. You may read this mesmerized and enchanted, but actually to go beyond thought and time - which means going beyond sorrow - is to be aware that there is a different dimension called love. But you don't know how to come to this extraordinary fount - so what do you do? If you don't know what to do, you do nothing, don't you? Absolutely nothing. Then inwardly you are completely silent. Do you understand what that means? It means that you are not seeking, not wanting, not pursuing; there is no center at all. Then there is love.

*****Moderator note****

The above statements and ideas on love are the words of Jiddu Krishnamurti and not the words of Anon. This prose was not attributed to Jiddu Krishnamurti by Anon. For more information on this philosopher, click here: http://www.jkrishnamurti.org/

EmpowHer requests all posters correctly attribute their sources in order to ensure the words and literature of another person are properly acknowledged.

Thank you for all your help and advise, i really did need that. I have been talking to my friends but as none have them have been in this situation or know my boyfriend the way I do it makes things a lot harder. I have tried to talk to him time and time again. He is the hardest person to talk too becasue he gets so frustrated escpecially becasue its just the same thing over and over again.

which only tells me one thing. If it is only one thing over and over, and I have talked to him, and I have tried to my best in this relationship to make it last, and be happy at the end of everyday i find myself crying becasue i am so upset about it and not able to feel that love and comfort I used too.

Maybe after I let him go, I can rebuild myself, and he can grow up and maybe one day realize what he had, and what he lost. Maybe we will rekindle and have things work out for the best. But right now as you said i cant keep doing this to myself being worried and stressed. I am going onto my 22nd year this year... thus far my summer has been horrible, stressful, physically and mentally exhausting. And i dont want it be this way anymore.

Thank you for your help.

Oh I know, and that is what the most frustrating part is. He was never physcially abused. His parents are split up but both are in his life. Not in the greatest way, but mind you he didnt help the sitution in which he is in either, and i tell him that all the time.

I live at home and he lives at his. I know I am young and i need to enjoy my life. I have been in other relationships, this is my first one that i have fallen in love with. I am currently just trying to work up my own courage to tell him i cant do it anymore. Because i have been his only support. But I need to start looking out for myself. I want to move away see the world and experience a lot. the hardest part was that we both had the same dreams and aspirations and i would love to do it with him. But i cant if it is going to be this way.

You are right, I am not going to stick around and end up wasting my good years and leaving when im 30. THAT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. Nor I or anyone deserves that. Thats what i find so hard for women in this prediciment, becasue you love that person so much and you dont want to lose them, yet by holding on for so long, your only losing yourself right?

I dont want it to be over. I have been in other relationships and none even compare to this. I have never been able to feel this way for someone before. I just have no other option but to leave, becasue everyday I am upset. He made up excuse after excuse. He kind of had a rough childhood, and a bad temper at that, since ive been with him, his whole family said he changed for the better. However he will always have a temper, and throw fits. His mood changes everyday, every hour every minute, it depends what happens, and who is around. I told him to seek counselling just to talk about the way he feels but he wont and i cant make him. I just feel lost.

I have been in a relationship with this guy for 2 years now. Within the last year of our relationship our sex life has drastically decreased. It started last summer when he started to work factory work. We are both young. 21. Both students. live in the same town, however he goes to school 1.5 hrs away. we went from doing it 3-4 times a week to once a week to once every two weeks to now once a month sometimes once every two months. in the begining i brought it up trying to help trying to see what was bothering him if he was stressed out, tired, what was getting to him. Ive always been there for him. I know he is not getting it somewhere else. i have not gained weight, i actually lost weight becasue of this, he still finds me very attractive at least that is what he tells me almost everyday. He doesnt have a reason for why he doesnt feel it anymore, and i am starting to lose my self esteem my confindence myself becasue of this. I told him several times how it makes me feel, and yet it still never changes. Sometimes its just not meant to be.