how do you interact with a passive aggressive person

Hi there, I am looking for some advice. I am 6 months pregnant with my first child. I fear that my boyfriend of 6 years may be passive-aggressive. He has not held a job for 5 of the 6 years we have been together. He has never really been affectionate, and just recently (within the past 7 months) went to the doctor for anxiety. He says that for the past several years he has been dealing with a great deal of anxiety. All I ever saw was him staying up all night drinking and playing computer games. Also, he is tremendously stubborn. He will purposely not do something because I ask him to. Lately, he stays out all night at a friends house, and when he does come home he stays on the computer and goes to bed at like 3, 4 or 5 in the morning and will sleep all day. When I do ask him to come to bed, or not to stay up all night, or even to start looking for a job, he gets mad and tells me not to nag him that he is sick of hearing it and that he will look for a job, but never does. I have asked him if we can go to couples counseling and he says that he does not need counseling. I don't know what else to do. We argue allllll the time. help?

I do understand your frustration, I have a friend of mine who despite knowing me for 2 years now,and who I see on a daily basis 'forgot' my birthday the other day and just gave me the cold shoulder all day long, despite asking me two days before if it was my birthday or not. But at the same time, you cant expect someone to just change like that, specially when he has behaved like that for years! It sounds like a lot of pressure to me to just change instantly, and more likely to backfire, and have him go back to his old ways! You could try and see what things you could handle and things you cannot absolutely tolerate, and draw a line everytime he steps the mark. One thing I know is that you need a lot of patience, but try and see the good things in him, and dont let yourself get upset or frustrated by his behaviour, which I think in a big element on why he behaves like that. Best of luck

Thanks Alysiak.

Alison, I copy-pasted this behaviour list from an empowher discussion thread. In my opinion, he displays these behaviours in various degrees. I discussed some behaviours with him & he agreed that he exhibits them:
- Procrastination to the point where some things don't get done for months to never
- Not acting upon things inspite of reminders (both big & small matters) - appears as intentional to me
- Complaining, Blaming others for almost everything
- Grumpiness almost on a daily basis
- Irritation with me and the kids over small things
- Resistance to suggestions - agreement in words only
- Unexpressed hostility - complains a lot about things I have no control over, to the point where I feel highly nagged and frustrated - for eg., things like federal policies or how the media is portraying someone, etc.

He seems to be making serious effort to change - in the past few days. But I almost had to give him an ultimatum. I told him I don't want to have to go to such extreme measures to have him act - it is too stressful for me & will not work out for both of us in the long term.

Regarding reasons, he said it has been kind of in his nature to delay things. He does not have much family. His mother who is in the same state has not been there for him even in his most difficult periods as a single dad. She was apparently quite uncaring even when he was growing up - from what he told me. His ex-wife left him for someone else & moved out of state. He does not make friends easily & probably was quite lonely. He has told me he used to have panic attacks when his kids left him to visit his ex during holidays. He had also put on a lot of weight due to over-eating post his divorce and at some point decided to work out, get fit, go out there to meet people and take charge of his life. His relationship with his kids was really poor when I first met him. There was a lot of disrespect from the kids, he was taken for granted, a lot of sarcasm flowed between them, and it looked like a vicious cycle. A lot of these things have changed now, for the better. He has told me on multiple occassions that he is getting the love he has never got before, from me now.

He seems like a genuine person & appears to love me deeply. This is a huge part of why I got into this relationship & married him. The passive aggressiveness was not intense earlier & I really was not aware of this type of passive aggressiveness. I mistook it for someone that was a little 'laid back'.

Hope this detail helps.

Just wanted to let you know that I'm still waiting to hear back from an EmpowHer Expert I contacted. I've not forgotten about you!

While we wait for an expert to respond, I am curious what your husband would say about your list of behaviors---would he agree that he exhibits these behaviors, and to what degree? (always to never; slight to extreme).

Your husband has apologized to you, but I am wondering if you think this is his personality type, a diagnosable disorder...or some other reasons? Is he sad, depressed, feeling lonely, stressed? Are there any internal or external reasons that he has shared with you that account for his behavior?

Hello again,

I am very sorry this is your husband that you are talking about; I was really hoping it would turn out to be a co-worker or family friend--in other words, someone you could avoid contact with as much as possible. I really feel for you. I have also dealt with some passive-aggressive people in my life and it is so hard.

It's interesting to me that he didn't show any signs of this while you were dating. I'm also very glad to read that you are not the doormat type--good for you!! To me that means you are not going to settle for this type of behavior in your marriage. Since you have a child to think about too that is, in my opinion, extra important.

Have you tried confronting him about this behavior? Is it at all possible that he doesn't realize he's doing it? What would you think about asking him to join you in couples therapy? Or tell him that if he won't go, you will? Either alone or together, counseling might give you some ideas on how to handle his behavior.

Since it's his second marriage too, I'm wondering if he did this same stuff before with his first wife? I'm also wondering what type of relationship his parents had or have?

You are most welcome for the hugs. More are heading your way right now. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Big hugs, Michelle

Michelle, I was hoping it did not come to this stage where I have to ask for help. This is my husband & my second marriage. It's only been a year & a little since we married. I have been playing man & woman of the house since then - financially & in doing things for the family. It's amazing how he falls right into the description of passive aggression and this behaviour was not apparent when we were dating. I did not see it & I have not dealt with someone so classic of a case. I want to make our marriage work, but do not want to destroy myself & my child in the bargain. I am not the doormat type, which makes it harder for me to deal with this.

And thanks for the hugs :)

Hello there! I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this person and that he or she is causing you such grief. I once read that when someone gives another person the silent treatment it is pretty much the same as a silent temper tantrum, just like a little child would do. I think Alysiak gave you great information above, but I was wondering too if you wouldn't mind telling us what the relationship is that you have with this person. That might help us give you some more ideas. For example, can you please tell us if this is your spouse, parent, boss, co-worker, friend, etc? Passive-aggressive people can be so hard to deal with. I'd love to try to help you more if I can. And I'm glad Alysiak is passing this along to an Expert as well. Big hugs to you, Michelle