ask: how do you interact with a passive aggressive person
Hil, I want advice on how to interact with a loved one that is passive aggressive. From the symptoms of passive aggressiveness described on one of the threads of empowher, I see that this person falls almost smack into this category. The behaviour of this loved one is affecting the quality of my life. I feel helpless, especially when I get the silent treatment when I confront & this goes on for days. And in the end somehow manages to blame me for everything. I don't see much hope for improvement since this person is older & probably has behaved this way for a long time. Could be chronic.
Help!!! :)
lkam
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Interestingly enough, a colleague at work and I had a discussion on this subject, just today! There's a person in our office who is passive/aggressive and very challenging to work with. I called him "reactionary," and she called his behavior "dog with bone in face."
It's probably easier to deal with this type of personality in the workplace than at home. At work, I can confront and document. But, in a personal relationship, confrontation can turn into an ugly situation. Nonetheless, you need to be assertive, without being argumentative. You are not to blame for someone else's shortcomings or poor behavior toward you. The other person needs to learn that you will not be a doormat and that you will hold him/her accountable for what s/he says and does.
If you do not confront this person, you are, in effect, contributing to the perpetuity of the behavior. Don't. It's all a sad "game" with the other person to make you feel guilty for being you.
I'm no psychiatrist, just someone who has been there/done that.
I hope the following information will help you understand this personality disorder:
Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
Let's pose this issue to one of our medical Experts for you. I hope we'll have a response ASAP.
August 14, 2009 - 4:58pmThis Comment
Alysiak, thank you so much for your response. You are so right about this. It is really very hard for me right now. I do confront this person once in a while, and it gets ugly when I do. Either it's silent treatment for days or it's nagging & blaming. As of today the silent treatment has gone on for 6 days. This is after I got bullied over a trivial matter & I retaliated. Today, I pretty much gave an ultimatum and he's starting moving on certain things he should have done a long time ago.
This person unfortunately is my husband. Thank you for offering to pose the question to the medical experts. If his problem is chronic, I'm afraid I will have to watch for some more months & then make some life changing decisions for me & my daughter. Such as separate from him.
Thanks again.
August 15, 2009 - 11:46amHello there! I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this person and that he or she is causing you such grief. I once read that when someone gives another person the silent treatment it is pretty much the same as a silent temper tantrum, just like a little child would do. I think Alysiak gave you great information above, but I was wondering too if you wouldn't mind telling us what the relationship is that you have with this person. That might help us give you some more ideas. For example, can you please tell us if this is your spouse, parent, boss, co-worker, friend, etc? Passive-aggressive people can be so hard to deal with. I'd love to try to help you more if I can. And I'm glad Alysiak is passing this along to an Expert as well. Big hugs to you, Michelle
August 14, 2009 - 11:48pmMichelle, I was hoping it did not come to this stage where I have to ask for help. This is my husband & my second marriage. It's only been a year & a little since we married. I have been playing man & woman of the house since then - financially & in doing things for the family. It's amazing how he falls right into the description of passive aggression and this behaviour was not apparent when we were dating. I did not see it & I have not dealt with someone so classic of a case. I want to make our marriage work, but do not want to destroy myself & my child in the bargain. I am not the doormat type, which makes it harder for me to deal with this.
And thanks for the hugs :)
August 15, 2009 - 11:54amHello again,
I am very sorry this is your husband that you are talking about; I was really hoping it would turn out to be a co-worker or family friend--in other words, someone you could avoid contact with as much as possible. I really feel for you. I have also dealt with some passive-aggressive people in my life and it is so hard.
It's interesting to me that he didn't show any signs of this while you were dating. I'm also very glad to read that you are not the doormat type--good for you!! To me that means you are not going to settle for this type of behavior in your marriage. Since you have a child to think about too that is, in my opinion, extra important.
Have you tried confronting him about this behavior? Is it at all possible that he doesn't realize he's doing it? What would you think about asking him to join you in couples therapy? Or tell him that if he won't go, you will? Either alone or together, counseling might give you some ideas on how to handle his behavior.
Since it's his second marriage too, I'm wondering if he did this same stuff before with his first wife? I'm also wondering what type of relationship his parents had or have?
You are most welcome for the hugs. More are heading your way right now. Please keep us posted on how you are doing. Big hugs, Michelle
August 15, 2009 - 9:54pmThinking back, he did show signs when we were dating. Only, not so pronounced. I did not realize it was passive aggressive behaviour because I did not know that this was a specific behavioural type with those symptoms. I mistook it for his inability to do things & low level of ambition, and thought it was up to me to help him move faster on things. About the silent treatment, I have seen people react in that manner before. But not for so many days!
I did confront him over this last weekend about his behaviour. I was on the verge of taking steps to separate from him if needed. Like you say, it appears that he did not realize he's doing it. After I confronted him, he apologized to me multiple times, told me he loves me and did not mean to hurt me, does not want to lose me, and wants to change. I have told him I will believe it only when I see it. I have gotten a lot of lip from him before, with no action.
Also he said he is willing go to therapy if that is needed. And I do think this same behaviour contributed significantly to the failure of his previous marriage. He is coming out & confiding about it now. In the past 2 days I am seeing him making effort to actually do things without my having to push. He still has the habit of telling me his intent of doing things (multiple times) before actually doing it. But I will hear him out patiently as long as he actually gets down to action. I need to stay strong, watch and see if this lasts long-term. I think I can't expect miracles but if he is not able to sustain positive change in his behaviour, I will have to think about what's best for me & my child. Life was better as a single mom since I only had to take care & worry about a child that is soon growing up and maturing. I am unable to take care of a grown man & his 2 kids, in addition.
I would still like to get advice from experts on dealing with this kind of personality type. FYI - he shows all the following behaviours in varying degrees:
Procrastination
Intentional inefficiency
Avoiding responsibility by claiming forgetfulness
Complaining
Blaming others
Resentment
Sullenness
Fear of authority
Resistance to suggestions from others
Unexpressed anger or hostility
Thanks again you guys! What would I do without you?
August 18, 2009 - 1:40pmWhile we wait for an expert to respond, I am curious what your husband would say about your list of behaviors---would he agree that he exhibits these behaviors, and to what degree? (always to never; slight to extreme).
Your husband has apologized to you, but I am wondering if you think this is his personality type, a diagnosable disorder...or some other reasons? Is he sad, depressed, feeling lonely, stressed? Are there any internal or external reasons that he has shared with you that account for his behavior?
August 18, 2009 - 2:06pmJust wanted to let you know that I'm still waiting to hear back from an EmpowHer Expert I contacted. I've not forgotten about you!
August 18, 2009 - 4:55pmHi alysiak, have you heard from the experts?
October 3, 2009 - 3:04pmThanks.
lkam
Hello lkam
I am not clear if our expert got back to us - but how have you been in the meantime? Are you in counseling - have you seen any changes in your relationship?
I was looking through your list of personality attributes (that your husband has) and I think we all have these, to varying degrees. Most of us, fortunately, only have them very moderately and it's often temporary due to environmental factors. Has he been diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder?
Please give us an update as to how you are doing and what steps you both have been taking - I hope things are going well for you - or at least on their way to improving!
October 3, 2009 - 4:43pm