At the end of my rope

I've talked to him about it, but he refused. We did have a conversation the other day and it really opened my eyes. He said that he always feels under pressure, like I'm always expecting sex from him. He doesn't always feel up to it and my expectations of him compounds his desire to not do it. This is a phase that he always goes in and out of from time to time. Sometimes he's really into it and sometimes he could care less. Like I said, I'm always worried that one day he won't want it at all. I spoke to my therapist yesterday and that really helped a lot. As far as the self esteem goes, I was picked on relentlessly as a child. It was really bad. That probably has something to do with it... so when he rejects me like that, it makes me feel ugly and unwanted... kind of how I felt all through elementary school. Right now, everything seems to be fine between us. I tried backing off and he seemed to respond better to that. Main issue I have right now is that I'd like to be the one to initiate it from time to time without him saying no. I never say no when he wants it because I'm just so happy that he's willing, but if I try to come on to him 99% of the time it's met with rejection.

Hi,
I think you received some great advice above, and wanted to offer some more perspective; I can understand why you said you are "tired of feeling this way", as it does sound emotionally draining.

A few things you mentioned caught my attention, as you said, "He admitted to doing everything he could to get rid of his first wife except dump her. He was too lazy to break up with her, so he figured if he was really mean to her, she would leave...". "I admit I don't want to end up like that, but aside from the sex deprivation, he's anything but mean or unfair to me."

I actually do see what he is doing to you as "mean" and "unfair", just from reading your first post, you said:
"...even to the point of telling me sometimes that he doesn't want to do it [sex] ever again." (this is not a sign of a healthy relationship with one partner telling the other one they will never do something again that they know is important to the other person, and vital to a marriage).
- "...then laughed at me and went right to bed. I've felt like a piece of crap ever since."
- "He's acted all day today as if nothing's wrong and I know that bringing it up will only make it worse." (not a quality you want in a relationship, regardless of the topic, that one person in the marriage would willingly make it impossible for the other person to bring up a sensitive topic)
- "...he pushes me away and says, "What are you doing?" The rejection is so depressing it's starting to make me numb." (this sounds really mean and unfair to me, as it is obvious 'what you are doing' and he is putting all of his issues onto you, instead of being mature and responsible and communicating with you honestly)
- "...although sometimes he says he wants to swear off sex, he's always come around eventually, but this has become a vicious cycle and I always live with the fear that one day he just might mean it." (again, living in a 'vicious cycle' and 'living with fear' that you can not communicate a very basic need or he will take it away completely is not a sign of a healthy relationship, and he has all of the power and control in this scenario that is mean and unfair to you)

These things, to me, do sound like he may be repeating himself in this relationship: trying to push you away as he does not want to be the one to break-off another commitment, as he did with his ex-wife. I'm not sure if he learned anything from his previous relationship, as beginning a new relationship with you without being entirely honest is truly unfair (although, I do understand his reasoning).

However, you also said that he has "admitted to having a chemical imbalance", which is a really big piece to this puzzle! If he is depressed because he wants another type of marriage, then he needs to make this happen and not bring you down with him. If he is depressed because he has a chemical imbalance...is he being treated for this with medication and therapy/counseling?

Lastly, you said, "I often wonder if he knows or even cares how damaging this behavior has become to me." What is the answer to this?

If he DOES know or care how damaging his behavior is to you, is he trying to correct it?

Either way, this is the conversation you want to have with him, and the "sex" stuff just doesn't matter, as it could be related to any topic. The important thing in your relationship is that he is withholding information from you, making you too afraid to speak your mind or voice your concerns for fear that he will withhold even more physical affection. If he does not care about this, it is definitely time for a change, or as a baby step, marital counseling. If he does care about this, then it is also time for a change, and probably the same baby step: marital counseling and/or for him to seek treatment for his depression and chemical imbalance.

I wish you the best, please let us know how you are doing.

I agree that we probably aren't a good match. I should have realized this before we got together. I just wish I didn't feel the way I did and that I didn't get so familiar with this life. It's very difficult to leave. As far as children are concerned, I have absolutely no intention of having children with him. Both our mood swings would not make it a healthy environment for children. Besides that, he already has 2 children from a previous marriage... one that he was completely miserable in. He admitted to doing everything he could to get rid of his first wife except dump her. He was too lazy to break up with her, so he figured if he was really mean to her, she would leave, but she didn't. Eventually her friends practically forced her to leave. I admit I don't want to end up like that, but aside from the sex deprivation, he's anything but mean or unfair to me. He includes me in everything he does. He doesn't make plans with friends without assuming I'm coming with. He isn't abusive. The sex situation is the only problem. Without sex, it's as if we're living as really good friends. A relationship without sex is a very depressing one, especially considering how attracted I am to him and I couldn't fathom the idea of being alone right now. That's why I feel so torn about what to do. It's so hard to have the person you want right in front of you, but they won't let you have them. I know it's not normal. I've tried for so long and I just can't seem to get my head straight about it.

Sometimes I think it has something to do with me because I have such a high sex drive. The first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is how long it's been since we last did it. I don't think that's normal, personally, but I know he probably has more of an issue than I do. I don't have a problem with him being attracted to men, same way any heterosexual male would be attracted to other women... it's just human nature. What matters is if it's acted upon, which I couldn't tell if it has or not. Sometimes I feel that his needs are being met with someone else, but I think it's more likely that that "someone else" in reality is just porn. It makes it a little more dealable because he isn't actually cheating on me. I have no problem with him watching it, but when it starts to replace me, I have a big problem with it. As far as this 3 relationship thing is concerned, I never knew that this is how he thought relationships should be until after we got married. At first he was reluctant to tell me about it, because as he put it, he didn't want to "ruin anything"... between he and I. I kind of forced it out of him because he had become so distant and it was really starting to get to me. He said that as far back as he could remember he just didn't think it was normal to be in a relationship with just one person... that people were meant to be in multiple relationships, but all with each other... kind of like a harem. I told him that if he feels the necessity to act on that, this marriage isn't going to work. He swore to me that he would rather give up the idea of the "3-person relationship" for the sake of being with me. There are so many things that enter into why he loses his desire for sex from time to time that I'm not sure which it is at what time. I wish I could just sit back and let him come to me when he's ready, but I don't think that is particularly fair either. I have needs as well. I just get scared that he'll never want to sleep with me again and will just use porn as a release so he doesn't have to deal with actually doing it.

Thanks for sharing your personal story and I am truly sorry to hear your dealing with so much. I was first going to ask if he was interested in men but by the end of your story, you answered that question.

How do you feel about that situation? This is clearly not your issue, this is something he is dealing with about his own sexuality. It only becomes your issue when you feel the way that you are feeling about yourself.

Is his sexuality something that you can deal with? Give us a little more background when it comes to this three person relationship. I think this may help answer your question.