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I am turned off by some of my husband's sexual advances?

By Anonymous March 17, 2010 - 12:32am
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Sometimes when my husband wants sex he says vulgar things to me that make me feel like I am supposed to be his whore. Things like "I want you to sit on my face", or "let me see that sexy pussy". I don't appreciate being talked to like this and I have told him it makes him seem like a creepy old man at a strip club. It genuinely hurts his feeling when I tell him I don't like it. He's not a big porn watcher or an aggressive type person so I don't understand where this comes from. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but this turns me off big time. What should I do? I know my question is graphic but I am really asking for help here.

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The only thing I disagree with is that she, who has expressed her dislikes and has a husband who cares less about them anyway, and subsequently is feeling lowly about this, be the one to find the medium ground. True, if with all else she hopes to keep her marriage and if her husband is so thoughtless, er, clueless, I guess someonehas to make a move toward the middle.

However, I disagree with the premise of the suggestion. Ie, one's wants and even rights end where another's begins. He doesn't have the right to do what he likes at her expense. I call that pretty thoughtless of a person to do. If he cared, he has every right to, when not advancing sexually, to approach the topic, his preferences (or fantasies) and her aversion to them with her. He has the right to ask what she would be willing to try, etc.

This question SHOULD'VE been asked by the husband. "What can I do? I don't want to hurt her, (though I'm personally interested in using these expressions). And it's sad that it's the disregarded wife left feeling violated rather than the caring husband looking for a solution.

To the wife, I'm sorry you feel his words are vulgar and that you feel reduced when he speaks them. I encourage you to talk to your husband, when feelings (and sex drives), are in control. Express your ideas again to him. Non accusatory. Gentle. Tell him you want to find things you can both enjoy. Also personally explore why (if you have to maintain the notion) that you feel the way you do. If your husband has no in between, let him know you want to feel loved through his words. He can start by huskily whispering into your ear "wife, I love you" and "you turn me on" and even a "you're so beautiful, I just want to be with and inside you" (does that last one make you cringe?).

Good luck.

September 19, 2011 - 4:26pm

Dear Anon,

Thank you for your question. This is tough because he is genuinely turned on by dirty talk while you are not.
Is there any happy-medium that you two can come to? Like have one night a week where he can talk dirty as long as other nights you have sex without it? Or is there an extent to where he talks dirty that you don't get turned off? Like maybe if he stops using the word "pussy"? I can honestly see how his feelings would be hurt by you telling him that it turns you off. As much as you think he is treating you like a stripper or whore lots of men do this and they do so because it turns them on, which is perfectly fine. With that being said, if you don't like it there is nothing he can say or do to change your mind but in order for both of you to be satisfied with your sex life there needs to be a compromise.

Are you willing to role play in order to get into character and accept this dirty talk a little better?
Is there any extent to which you actually tolerate dirty talk?

I know you wish you could eliminate it completely but doing so can only make him unhappy with your sex life.

All the best

March 17, 2010 - 5:10am
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