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ask: Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

By Michelle King Robson Expert HERWriter
 
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A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!

"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"

Add a Comment339 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

My name is Laura Tricia from Australia, to caught it all shot i was having a family problems my husband left me because i was not able to give him a child, i have know other solution than to start sicking for help praying and fasting for God to help me bring back my husband and to have a child of my own, so one day i saw Dr. iayaryi name on the internet with his email address (driayaryi2012@hotmail.com) when i saw this email address i never loose any hope again, i contacted him for help, to end the story he help me bring back my husband to me under four days and to my greatest surprise he prophesied and said i we have my own child and celebrate with others as a mother, am three months pregnant now and my husband is now with me without any problem, please viewers help me to thank Dr. iayaryi for making my home a happy one. Please contact Dr. iayaryi at (driayaryi2012@hotmail.com) he is a good man and a prophet, he can help you in any kind of problems please don't pass this email address if you really want your problems to be solved thanks..

March 28, 2015 - 10:11pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

MEANRY FROM UK
Hi everyone, i want to let you people know this spell caster that did a break up spell for me to break my husband up with one lady,his name is Dr Smart, he is very powerful and good at his job. it was just few hours after i contacted him with my problems to help out,he email me with instructions which i followed,after all,he told me that he have cast the spell, and he said in just 28hours i shall start seeing results of my spell and what
surprises me most was that at the 28th hour my husband called me and started apologizing.his email; smartspelltemple@gmail.com
Is n't this great?

March 28, 2015 - 7:34pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

THIS A GREAT JOY IN MY HEART I want to share with everyone. My name is JOY. I had a misunderstanding with my lover a few years ago; which led to us to break up and he never wanted to hear my voice again. He saw a beautiful love more prettier than myself, but as time went on I met Dr ogul. He is a great spell caster (medicine man ). I contacted him through his email doctorogul@gmail.com and explained everything to me.He said that I shouldn't worry, that my lover will come back to me on his knees begging for forgiveness. I bought an item that he told me to buy for the preparation of the spell. After everything was prepared he told me that my lover will come to me with 24hours begging. My greatest joy now is that he actually came back to me and fell on his knees begging for forgiveness, and today we are happy. Do you have any problem with your loved one? Do not know what to do? Well worry no more because Dr ogul can provide you with a spell to get him or her back. With the help of a spell just as he helped me. Contact Dr ogul today via email doctorogul@gmail.com he we help you just for free after everything get back to him with you mindset can email him :doctorogul@gmail.com

March 27, 2015 - 8:21pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

well reading this article I could just not help to want to cry I tune of multiple sclerosis my husband and I have been married 36 years. I got multiple sclerosis in 2009.... I was diagnosed at a very late age thank goodness. I have lost the ability to drive im incontinent I had to leave my job why my husband does everything...... I can see him wearing down. I feel like I've become a burden on everyone. we get along and we love each other he says he's committed to me but I can't help to think he could have a better life without me. he's healthy and is very active and I am NOT......... but if you ever left me I think I probably stop eating and die. but I would feel happy that he would have a new life

March 23, 2015 - 4:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Please, you cannot feel this way. You have been together with your husband for so long - you are part of one another. The door was always open for him to leave but he chose to stay. He obviously loves you and you must be very good to him as well. At the end of the day, all we have is ourselves and we are lucky if we have our loved ones. You have both. Obviously, he could have had a different life but he chose you. We all have choices every single day. In your husbands case, it probably was never a choice. Some people stay and some go as you've read in this thread, but each circumstance is different. Your is unique as well. This is a tough thread to read.. period. Life is tough and we all at one time or another have to make tough decisions. You have made the best of your chronic illness, I can tell. You continue to be the woman you've been for him. He chose you. You chose him. If he walked tomorrow, life would go on for you. Not saying he ever would, but you have had more strength and courage with your own illness for so long - You woud survive. You have survived this for SO long. Don't put bad things out into the universe. Be grateful for what you have in your husband and continue to show your appreciation as he continues to show his appreciation for you. Wishing your tears be taken away and that you always count your blessings. Warmest regards, MKR

March 25, 2015 - 7:19am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You two could talk over getting into a care center that will take care of your physical needs while he visits most days bringing you your favorites thing and lots of love. This way you feel like you are not burdening him but still be in the relationship he doesn't want to leave...You may have to seriously consider this soon any way. But if he insists on taking care of you at home try to get as much help as possible through family, friends and healthcare providers. May grace flow to both of you...and your special relationship. Sue Sita

March 23, 2015 - 11:33pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Get help with your care and needs...contact SSDI and your local Senior agencies...so he is not doing this by himself. Make connections with your higher power for your strength and transition so he, and you, know your alright psychologically... These are the things I need as a caregiver.

March 23, 2015 - 9:45am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

You have a good husband there. Enjoy him.

March 23, 2015 - 9:27am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I am there! Married 30 years, and haven't had emotional
intimacy let alone physical intimacy, predictable affection,
kindness, respect, or appreciation in forever it seems. My spouse too is disabled, a bad back and severe depression. I have stood by and been emotionally and psychologically abused for years, while I have done the lion share of everything. I have allowed it too happen, (my role).
He became so codependant the last couple of years, it finally drained my bones, blood and spirit. All the passive aggression and condescending remarks, the shirked responsibilities towards me, our home, he drained me dry. Basically he has abandoned me. Yesterday, after giving him a letter telling him how I felt, and telling him I can't live with him anymore he left. It was weird; my first feeling was fear, anxiety, but didn't I get what I asked for?
Not really. Not that way, right? All he thinks of is himself. I decided after calling the sheriff, to wait 48 hours if he doesn't ring me. He's playing the game now of, "I'll show her"! He's been gone over 24 hours, not answering his cell, (as of course I am concerned about his welfare). I just want to know he's ok, or course. I still love him. Common courtesy, healthy relating, owning his actions, is just not on his radar screen. He stopped making efforts to promote the marriage for years. It can get real lonely.
I just know we need to find a modern, creative way to stay married, (I am totally dependant on his income).
And, for now, I can't live with him, at least for a chunk of time. I must detox, recharge, regroup, redefine what I want now.
Coming home after my Bible study last night to the empty house was strange; I felt all sorts of emotions--guilt, sadness mostly. But the more I pray, and think on it, fear has kept me in this unhappy situation too long. It is time for me to let go of ALL my fears, and stand on God's promises, and hand all my marital issues over too Him. I have done ALL I can to help my spouse; my helping him so much has created way too much dependence upon me, keeping him from functioning as best that he can. Remember gals, we are NOT super heros! If we don't take care of ourselves, we are not honoring ourselves, God, or our loved ones. It has helped me greatly to be around positive, loving friends, and knowing we can decide for ourselves when enough is enough. God bless everyone going through these times! I hope to sleep better tonight.
Any creative living style ideas, please, please comment.
Blessings and thanks!

March 20, 2015 - 8:25pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Ouch...happened so fast...hope you find your new footing very soon...but things should get better quickly...so glad you are no longer being taken advantage of.

March 24, 2015 - 10:08pm
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