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My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It's killing me.

By December 13, 2013 - 11:27am
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Will try to make this brief!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.

But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.

I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.

I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.

It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!

Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…


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EmpowHER Guest

I am having similar issues. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and he has so many great qualities (respectful, honest, stable), however, he has trouble showing me affection. I was in a previous relationship for almost 8 years with a man who showed me so much passion and love, however, it did not work out due to other issues. I feel that the lack of affection and sex in my current relationship is definitely taking a toll on my self esteem, because i am always the one to initiate sex and affection. 90% of the time I am the one asking for a kiss or asking for sex, and my boyfriend seems disgusted and turned off. He also says that he "is not in the mood" and it makes me feel rejected and unwanted. I am not used to this because my ex boyfriend was very sexual and showed affection all of the time. I love the guy I am with now, and I know that he loves me also, but I need him to be more sexually intimate and affectionate. We have spoken about this issue but he says I am being too sensitive. I hate having to be the one to constantly initiate sex! He is the man! He should be jumping my bones! Like I said, he has great qualities, but I just need more from him. Do I see if he can change or find a new man? Helppp please

January 5, 2017 - 9:40pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

Are you looking for sex or a relationship? I ask that because you wonder if you should be looking for a new man? Are you not ok with being alone for a while?

You may get along well with your new boyfriend but aren't sexually compatible but comparing him with your ex isn't going to help. Maybe you just have different sex drives and need to remain just friends. He doesn't have to change if he doesn't want to and you don't have to stay if you don't want to.

January 6, 2017 - 7:16am
EmpowHER Guest

He probably is desentized by sex .
Make him go a couple of weeks with out porn.

December 28, 2016 - 8:38pm
EmpowHER Guest

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. We are both 29.In the first month we had sex every day, it was passionate and sensual, it was amazing. I felt i was the luckiest girl in the world. He was always complimenting me, holding my hand and cuddling me. It was perfect !
But as time went by, things started to slow down a bit. there is no more affection, i have to beg to have sex, and i always initiate it. My boyfriend doesn't show any affection, i need to ask him for a kiss. a little kiss once a day. I feel worthless and lonely. sometimes i just test him, how many days will he realize we haven't kissed... i gave up after 3 days and told him we haven't kissed in 3 days ! i did not get any reaction from him. Sometimes i just want a big passionate kiss to feel those butterflies inside of me. he always comes up with an excuse not to kiss me like that.
When he agrees to have sex it should be on the bed with light off before going to sleep. i tried initiating new places we could do it (sofa or shower) always go NO for an answer.
I love my boyfriend to death, he is the love of my life and i want this to work between us.
He says i have mental problems because i always want to make love! i cannot be sorry for wanting sex from the person i love. i tried sexy clothing ,i tried dirty talking i tried everything and he thinks i am crazy. I just want his attention. I just want him to want me.
Making love to him makes me closer and i feel the bond we have together. Now i feel it's like a chore for him to make love to me.
I feel ugly, sad, lonely, unwanted, old, unattractive and i feel i am living with a friend not a lover.

December 27, 2016 - 12:46am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Im am gong through the same exact thing with my boyfriend we have been together a little over 2 years have a child together . im 23 hes 33 and its always the same thing i feel so worthless im always the one trying to have sex with him kisses him grabbing him touching him im sick of it i told him im leaving him and hes taking it like im joking im so over it i dont know if its his age an hes tired but he has zero sex drive and he dont care wether we have sex or not he thinks im nuts because i get mad that this is constantly an issue i never had this problem before i don't get it!!!!

January 6, 2017 - 6:49pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Im in a similar situation. Im 43 my boyfriend is 47. His ex was thin and in a band and was a model. Im chunky and every simce weve been together he acts like he doesnt like sex. He doest appear to have problems. He gets hard and lets me go down on him but he acts like sex is not important. Even when we do have it he doesnt get into it. I only get a kiss goodbye in the am and thats usually our intimacy
No rubbing my back . I have to push him to hold me. I feel so ugly amd unattractive. Weve beem together for a year. When i talk to him about it im a nympho. I,feel u. I dont know what to do

January 4, 2017 - 12:03pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

Stop performing oral sex on him with no sex or affection to you, on his part. You're not a prostitute and he's treating you like one (minus the money!).

Make up your mind if this is the treatment you're ok with because if he won't change then this is what you get.

And don't compare yourself to a "thin model" - you're probably a very attractive, compassionate women who deserves a decent man.


January 4, 2017 - 1:25pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm actually going through a similar situation, I'm 18, he's 24. We've been together for a year now, and I've lived with him for 6 months (it started out as long distance.) When I first moved down and for a couple months, we'd have sex practically every night. But it started dwindling and now I feel like I have to practically beg him. I'm a bit of a nympho, and considering I'm 18, I still have lots of hormones that if not taken care of, I tend to get cranky. Any who, it's always something like "I'm just too tired" or he won't say anything at all. And I'm at wits end. I don't cheat. And I tell him constantly what it is I just want and he won't say anything back which frustrates me to no end. And I'm starting to think it's me even though he says it isn't, but I'm kind of hurt by this....

December 26, 2016 - 9:56pm
EmpowHER Guest

iam in a difficult situation iv been with my boyfriend being my baby daddy for 2 n half years and in those years iv always been the one having to initiate making love,he is never in the mood for sex not even kissing or any sexual activity ,iv been patient hoping he will change,iv tried everything,getting dressed up sexy,getting the wine ,talking naughty ,sending nudes but he is not moved a bit,iv spoken to him about it a million times ,he keeps saying he knows he has a problem n he will find help , untill today there is no change ,i dont know if i should leave him or what,but all i know is that im tired of this really

please help

December 8, 2016 - 4:14am

Oh boy.......i can relate to this all too well. The feeling of heartache and loneliness is unbearable.
My thoughts are with you,
You deserve love and joy

December 5, 2016 - 4:49pm
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