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My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It's killing me.

By December 13, 2013 - 11:27am
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Will try to make this brief!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.

But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.

I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.

I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.

It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!

Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…


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EmpowHER Guest

This is an old thread and probably nobody will read it, but I just need to get this off my chest. My boyfriend and I are 19, and we have been over a year together. I have more experience on sex than he does, but we never really talked about it cause I don't want him to feel pressured. We don't have many places where we can have complete privacy, but I always look for options like motels, my house. Still, he is never really into it. I am always the one that tries to initiate it and he only makes up dumb excuses like "I want to perform well but...", "I don't have time", "I feel pressured". Of course I give him his space, but it kills me because I feel unwanted and undesired. I have suggested a lot of options, ranging from going to a doctor to meeting other people.. But he is very jealous and I don't understand him. He can't bear the thought of me being (sexually or not ) with someone else, but he doesn't really want me for him either. This has taken a toll on me, because I love him and he loves me too, but we fight daily and are always an on and off couple. I have tried spicing things up, as we used to have a lot of phone sex when our relationship started, but even that is just plain sad now. All my male friends compliment me, and a lot would probably sleep with me given the chance. So, why doesn't he?
What he does recently, is that he beggins touching me when I am upset or stressed out, and I proceed to try to to do something to please him because I want him to be happy and satisfied with me. But it all feels like he is giving me a pity fuck. And it is worse. Plus, we haven't had actual penetration in months, just the things that come before. And he tends to be way too rough, like he feels obliged to do something he doesn't want to do, and he leaves bruises on my body.
Does anyone have a suggestion? I do believe we love each other and we are not perfect, but we are still a team. Sex is not everything yet I am way too young to be in a sexless relationship. Are we turning toxic for each other? Cause it seems to me that although we try so hard to make it work, we are far from succeeding. Sorry for the long post.

July 26, 2017 - 6:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

Ugh, yes.

My boyfriend is 23 and I'm 25 and we've been together for about 2 years. He's always been less interested in sex than me and 98% of the time it's me initiating it. The sad part is knowing that if I didn't say anything about it, it would probably only happen like four times a year. And every time we do anything sexual, I can't help but wondering if he actually wants to, or if he's just trying to keep me from being upset. I try not to nag him or pressure him since I know that will only make it worse, but it's kind of scary knowing that this is only the second year of what I'm hoping will be a very long relationship; like what will the situation be in 10 years? 20?

I identify with all those middle aged men in TV shows and movies who are always begging their wives to have sex with them and trying to figure out their "secret women code." And of course, if you search "why doesn't my partner want to have sex with me" all you'll find are articles from lifestyle magazines about how men should give their wives more massages and shit. "Compliment her when she gets her hair done!" Ha. The shoes is never portrayed on the other foot, which is why it's nice reading all of these comments.

I clearly have no solutions for the problem we all share, only that we shouldn't allow the medias portrayal of sex-hungry men and prudish women to rub salt in our wounds and exacerbate how we feel.

July 18, 2017 - 6:01pm
EmpowHER Guest

weve been married for 50 years and my husband quit our sex life 45 years ago. we like each other but love stopped years ago. were still married and I don't really know why!
He's not gay or have any interest in other women just hates sex and intimacy. I never knew this before we were married and maybe he didn't either but that still, he should have tried to get this fixed. He never looked for help and just told me that's life and find some thing else to do in place of sex. He always worked nights and never bothered with me. I have just been depressed for years and he doesn't care.

July 14, 2017 - 12:44pm
EmpowHER Guest

I know this is a very old post but I don't have anyone else to talk to about this. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 27. We have been dating for around 2 years. When we first started, we had sex multiple times a day, every day. I wasn't a very sexual person before meeting him, but after, he awakened a love of sex in me. Around a year ago our sex started to dwindle to once every 1-2 weeks or so and while it bothered me I accepted it was because of our different schedules and from distance however for the past 4-5 months we have been living together and we haven't had sex once. We went from doing it multiple times a day to never. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. He used to be such a sexual person and now it seems to disgust him (Altho he didn't have any problem asking our girlfriend (we are in a closed poly relationship) for sex. Every time I try to initiate he makes excuses that's he's tired or something to that extent and last time I tried to initiate he said it was like I was trying to guilt him to have sex with me. That hurt a lot. I try to understand him and not push but I miss the intimacy and closeness we had. I feel like both of us are too young to just be in a sexless relationship and it makes me feel disgusting and unwanted. I just don't know what to do.

July 1, 2017 - 8:35pm
EmpowHER Guest

I'm not sure this will even get a reply because most don't seem to have one but I've got to vent about this to someone other then my best friend (she's never even had sex so don't know what help she'd be)
I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We've bee together 6 years and intimacy has slowly become our biggest problem.
Rather then refusing to discuss our issues he is open about it, at least until I ask if we can have more sex. On average it's usually once a week, but if I don't ask it's once a month.
He doesn't have problems physically in this area, but what I feel so sad over is that if I didn't bring up new things to try he doesn't seem to care whether it's the same every single time or not.
It got a lot worse when I started asking if we could maybe try some new stuff. Nothing too challenging just a tad more kinky. And he says "Well I figured we could just do what we normally do."
What we normally do is ME getting my own self off first before he has his turn. It's gotten so boring. And what makes it worse is that he doesn't seem to care about learning anything that makes me feel good. He isn't gentle most of the time when he touches me down there and I have to ask him to stop because he'll press so hard it hurts. In fact the whole idea of touching me seems to be something he doesn't enjoy, so I don't ask anymore. It's not like I have bad hygiene (im neurotic about being clean and smelling good) but it seems like every thing that involves more than regular sex he doesn't like. He doesn't like oral, bjs, using your hands. At most he seems to enjoy being rough and dominating me (which I really like) but there's only so many times that's fun before your body needs a break from being sore. Then it just goes back to normal boring sex, if that doesn't just stop altogether.
It's like showing someone endless variety and they just want the blandest thing possible EVERY TIME.
He has no drive, no imagination. Unless it comes to reading erotica. He loves getting off to that because it means no me, no intimacy, and no pressure.
Our life if getting so much better in every aspect except this one, so I'd rather work on this one problem rather than throw all of our history away.
Could he really be so afraid of trying something new?
He says he trusts me more than anybody but not about this.

June 7, 2017 - 12:41pm
EmpowHER Guest

Dear Anon,

I know this is an old thread but I am hoping for some advice.

I am 31 and my bf is 46. We have been together 7 months. The first couple months of us being together, we would have sex 1-2 times a week. I was okay with this amount of sex. The last 4 months have been very sexless. We have had sex only twice in the past 4 months and we are going on month 2 with absolutely no sex. It is starting to make me feel horrible about myself like I am not attractive to him. He tries to reassure me that he finds me attractive, but makes no effort to lead this reassurance to the bedroom. I started thinking that maybe he is not a sexual person... which I felt like I maybe could accept. Well, I decided to pry in his phone. I found some very naughty pics of his ex's "personal area" and porn he had been looking up. He sleeps on the couch and doesn't sleep in the bedroom with me. The past two nights he has slept in the bedroom with me. But he has made no attempt to physically connect with me. He makes sure to lay down not facing me. He gives me absolutely no opportunity to touch him or even make a move. When I try to talk about our intimacy issues, he tells me that sex is the last thing on his mind right now (because of stress with his kids). This man says that he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me and showers me in expensive gifts. But I am not the type of girl to be bought.... I am a very loving and affectionate person... and I can't even share that with him.

What do I do? I know I do love him. I am just unsure I can carry on with no intimacy and affection....

May 31, 2017 - 12:34am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I know exactly where you are coming from. Hoping your stronger than I am. Leave him. It's only gonna get worse. Porn ruins everything.

June 15, 2017 - 2:04pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am going through the exact same thing with the man I'm with. He sleeps with his back to me and surrounds himself with pillows and he in a very slick way rejects my physical advances in moves around or jumps up and plays music or changes the subject to avoid me. When I want to discuss having sex he gets irritable angry and I'm comfortable and tells me that it will happen naturally when it happens and that I am a nymphomaniac even though we barely Have sex once a week. He always blames being tired, custody issues, age, work, etc. when none of it has anything to do with anything. He is 43 and I am 39.

June 8, 2017 - 9:25am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

OMG it's kinda a relief to know im not the only one who goes this exact same experience. My boyfriend does the pillow thing and sleeps facing the other way. it hurts my feelings. we have had sex since the fist week of may. He tells me all the time that he is not sleeping with anyone else or interested in anyone else but me. we still are not having sex. he keeps saying relax let it happen naturally. he does not want me to touch him. we only have sex when he initiates it. Does anyone have any answers of why some men do this. im 24 and he is 27. please help this is causing us to argue and be distant with each other.

June 19, 2017 - 10:14am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Your post was so IDENTICAL to mine that I had to read it again because I thought I wrote it. I recently found out that my boyfriend was browsing online porn To avoid to raise a flag on his company's Wi-Fi through his new Twitter account. He got busted when I asked what he was doing on his phone and he said he was checking Twitter and of course I was surprised because I have over 2000 Twitter followers and use it as a platform for social issues and ways to help parents. I found it odd that he had a Twitter account that I was unaware of and that he didn't follow me or I followed him like most people do. He said he only had it to see what all the hype was about Donald Trump's tweets. I immediately became suspicious when I asked him to follow me and he said it wasn't a big deal and he never uses it and social media isn't real. Apparently it's real enough to almost break up relationships and for them to lie about it.

So basically you have a man that won't touch you and you know if you sexually but once you 100% committed to them in their lives and in their homes back can you fantasize about other women online.

I told him to let's compare side-by-side me versus the porn whores on Twitter. I compared IQs, education, morality, parenting, cooking, partnership, and flat out through sexual desire and passion. I told him basically you can't handle all of what I have to begin with. I'm not the one with the problem. We fought all night about it and I eventually read his entire yahoo email record and he deleted the twitter account in embarrassment.

Ladies, just for the record all men have hidden secret email account that you will never know about. When They delete something after being busted they will go and sign up again weeks later. We should always be worried because it is just a fact no matter how nice or good or nonchalant they are. If they are not sleeping with you they are thinking about someone else.

We as women must do something to counteract this. Don't put your eggs in one basket not depend on them for all of your love and support. If they want to play shady and disgusting games then they don't deserve all of your love commitment and hearts.

July 15, 2017 - 10:57am
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