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My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It's killing me.

By December 13, 2013 - 11:27am
 
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Will try to make this brief!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.

But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.

I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.

I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.

It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!

Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…

XO

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Cherryl, did you leave him or did this get better? I know it's such an old post, but it's almost verbatim of what is going on with my fiancé and I and we have only been together for 14 months. It's destroying my confidence and our relationship. In every other way we are completely compatible and love each other, but he always has a new excuse and its killing me inside.

May 9, 2017 - 10:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have been with my boyfriend almost 4 years he drinks every day .we have sex maybe only 2 times messed around maybe 20 times.i feel ugly it's so depressing all I do is sit there hate myself.i have found so much porn on his phone he always says he don't look at it.i think bout leaving him many times.at least when I was alone I felt more loved,than when he's around I fight depression bad with this .i love him but it's making me hate myself loose me over this.i already have a stressed job this adds to it.he makes promises he want drink so we can mess around but he always breaks his promises it's getting so old very tired of it

May 8, 2017 - 7:30pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Im having the same exact problem with my boyfriend. We've only been dating for 4 months. The first month he was crazy about me. We were having sex, he was lovey dovey towards me, he cuddled me. Well, its been 3 months sin ce weve had sex, cuddled. I thought 2 months was long so i talked to him about it. He said it was bc i wasnt on birth control. So i told him if he wants me on birth control ill make an appointment. 2 weeks after the fact i offered to give him a bj. He said he hasnt showered yet. So, i told him to go shower. Whats he do he ignores me and stays on his phone. So i went to sleep. Sometimes, i go to put my hand on his chest and he grabs it with his hand and puts it off his chest. So anyways i talked to him ab ignoring me later that night. Hes depressed he said March and april are not good months for him. I have cried to many times because he rejected me. I even thought he was cheating on me. Im not sure what to believe ive been hurt before. But im not aloud to compare him to my old boyfriends. I just wish hed look at me like the way he did before. I honestly dont know how much more of this i can take.

April 25, 2017 - 12:13pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

You have been with your boyfriend for such a short time; having such deep problems within a month is very troublesome.

We can't say what to do but this needs to be cleared up as soon as possible. Talk it out with him and if he won't budge, you'll have some decisions to make.
Best,
Susan

April 25, 2017 - 1:05pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

God I'm having exactly the same problem and feel so relieved to hear it's not just me although that doesn't solve the situation.
We always see women being the ones to turn down sex with the men basically following them around with their tongues out - on the tv , etc.
So as a woman you really do feel like some kind of hideous freak when you are actively pursuing your man and he shows no interest in a physical relationship of any kind.
My relationship has gone from being intensely physical to maybe once a week if I'm lucky but more often than not it's once a fortnight and this is only if I push the subject. I used to have the effect on my partner that would almost instantly get him aroused and now I know he only has sex with me almost out of duty.
Like the other women on here that has made me feel completely rejected and makes me feel like I have lost my femininity, my sexual attraction , everything.
I wish I had some answer to this and its unfortunate the advice given on here is to end the relationship as that's not an option for a lot of people , especially if you love your partner.
It would help if women weren't made to feel so selfish somehow for having sexual needs and wants and desires but that is not the case for a lot of women.
Sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship but it is important to help the bonding and closeness between partners and that connectivity can be lost when there is such a lack of physical intimacy.
Any advice that is NOT to end the relationship would be gratefully received as this is literally destroying every aspect of my confidence and self esteem.
From previous articles I've read on this apparently this is becoming more and more common with more and more women speaking up about their partners lack of sex drive. That's helpful to know when you're reading about it but it can be hard to rationalise it in your personal relationship , particularly during moments when you're feeling rejected .

April 17, 2017 - 12:43pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Look into a possible porn addiction, Anon.

We hear more and more about men rejecting real women for sex because more and more men are addicted to sex. Some can't get through a work day without staring at porn on their phones; they even get fired for it.

Best,
Susan

April 21, 2017 - 12:47pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Im having the same problem and I feel all your pain....it's the worst feeling ever and I'm going through it as we speak. We have sex once a month I told him how I felt and it got worse....it used to be a lot more...I'm starting to think if the sex is even worth it anymore...the one day of the month we have it is just a tease...like a joke almost and it's kinda boring.....I'm one to want to change it around but he doesn't seen to...he's 47 I'm 32 we been together for 4 1/2 yrs....
He initiates it sometimes so should I turn him down when he does? I mean a guy wants what he can't have right? Do you think he will start wanting me again?

Ps...it's making me depressed oh and when I ask he doesn't give an explanation and apologize like he used to he just says NO! And leaves it at that he also gets mad when I asks why....I need advice other than breaking up thanks

-Sexually frustrated

April 14, 2017 - 10:03am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years this month. I'm 28 and hes 31. We moved in together a few months back. When we first started having sex, it seemed like he had such an urge and desire for me. Fast forward a couple years later.. I'm lucky if we have sex twice a month. I try to initiate sex or make a joke about it so that he doesn't feel pressured, but I'm constantly getting shut down. If I
Try to plan sex bc we both have busy work schedules he says, "you can't plan these kind of things." Yet yesterday he made a comment about having sex with me today, and here I lie, next to his sleeping body without sex. I know he probably masturbates at least a couple times a week. I've tried talking to him and telling him how badly this hurts my
Feelings and makes me feel undesirable, but it always just goes back to this. We talk about marriage and having kids, but how am I going to even get pregnant with someone who barely wants to sleep with me? And why would I just want my body to be used as a baby making machine and not pleased? I am getting frustrated. I don't want to break up with him over this but sex is so important to me. He is a good man and cares for me otherwise. I just don't know what to do...

April 8, 2017 - 10:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Before I met my boyfriend of now 4 years I was never into sex. I was always very indifferent towards it but I had never been familiar with sex then. When I met my boyfriend it was like a whirlwind because, with him, I found myself actually attracted and willing, wanting, to have sex. In the first few months we had sex constantly, always initiated by him. But after those months sex stopped all together. He had bruised himself in a household accident and I thought "well, it makes sense that he wouldn't want sex now because he's in pain" So I tried to be attentive and caring. But it's been four years now. And he's healed. And we've maybe had sex 4 times maybe 1 of those time initiated by him. I get turned down constantly and when I do ask for sex (which is starting to get embarrassing) he only does foreplay. He always has seen excuse and I want to believe him but he still watches porn (from what I've seen from snooping) . I'm young, just turning 23 and I wonder if wasting my youth? I love him but the caring I had for him and the passion has gone. Whenever I bring up the problem with him he gets very defensive and even blames me. He's apologized but it's hard to forgive. I've never been in another relationship before and I'm nervous to throw it all away.

March 2, 2017 - 6:10pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

You are very young - this relationship has been dead in the water for a long time. It's ok - relationships in our youth don't always last. This is a time for exploration and fun - not stress and regrets.

Time to move on and free yourself. You're not married, you have no children and the world is yours to explore.

Best,
Susan

March 3, 2017 - 7:24am
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