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My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It's killing me.

By December 13, 2013 - 11:27am
 
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Will try to make this brief!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.

But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.

I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.

I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.

It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!

Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…

XO

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EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Before I met my boyfriend of now 4 years I was never into sex. I was always very indifferent towards it but I had never been familiar with sex then. When I met my boyfriend it was like a whirlwind because, with him, I found myself actually attracted and willing, wanting, to have sex. In the first few months we had sex constantly, always initiated by him. But after those months sex stopped all together. He had bruised himself in a household accident and I thought "well, it makes sense that he wouldn't want sex now because he's in pain" So I tried to be attentive and caring. But it's been four years now. And he's healed. And we've maybe had sex 4 times maybe 1 of those time initiated by him. I get turned down constantly and when I do ask for sex (which is starting to get embarrassing) he only does foreplay. He always has seen excuse and I want to believe him but he still watches porn (from what I've seen from snooping) . I'm young, just turning 23 and I wonder if wasting my youth? I love him but the caring I had for him and the passion has gone. Whenever I bring up the problem with him he gets very defensive and even blames me. He's apologized but it's hard to forgive. I've never been in another relationship before and I'm nervous to throw it all away.

March 2, 2017 - 6:10pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

You are very young - this relationship has been dead in the water for a long time. It's ok - relationships in our youth don't always last. This is a time for exploration and fun - not stress and regrets.

Time to move on and free yourself. You're not married, you have no children and the world is yours to explore.

Best,
Susan

March 3, 2017 - 7:24am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I've been going through the same thing with my boyfriend ever since I hit my 2nd trimester with our daughter (who is 10 months now) it eats me up inside everyday. He tells me all I care about is sex and that sex doesn't matter in a relationship. I strongly disagree. I know he loves. And wants to spend hours with me. But it kills me and he doesn't care about sex WHATSOEVER anymore. The first few months of our relationship, sex was a nightly thing. It's completely different now. He won't even talk about it with me and gets angry when I try to have about a mature discussion about it

February 21, 2017 - 6:58pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 36 when we first started seeing each other he would get hard if I even came near him. He lived 45 mins from me and would drive to come have sex with me on his lunch breaks. I moved closer and the sex has almost completely stopped. We have been seeing each other a little over a year. Honestly it started about 3 months in so I always gave him blow jobs to at least keep him pleased... but I stopped in hopes he would miss them or me and come on to me but it didn't work at all. He has Not came onto me in MONTHS and we have only had sex maybe a total of 15 times in a 14 months. I can't say I know he loves me bc he has never told me. But I basically live with him and he works from home. There is no way he's sleeping with someone else.

February 15, 2017 - 10:52pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

Thanks for sharing your story.

Your boyfriend is being sexually satisfied by you performing oral sex on him in the desperate hope he'll reciprocate. He won't. Take this sign as a gift and move on. You're being used and you deserve better.
Best,
Susan

February 16, 2017 - 2:55pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

I am really concerned with how you tell all these poor girls to move on. This is not a solution that is not partnership. There are many many ways to deal with this topic rather than to leave. Women become masculine, women nag, women turn our men into our enemies rather than a partnership. There are ways a woman can communicate with her man that will make him want her more. Leaving is not the answer unless there is abuse, the cops need to be called, or the woman is just not in love any more. My sense is that you are not a professional.

March 11, 2017 - 7:23am
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

Thank you for your post!

Therapy is a wonderful option but you don't always need a professional to see when a woman is clearly in a relationship that simply isn't working.

I encourage almost all women to use open-communication and positive reinforcement when working on these issues. And I believe that relationships can be saved if both parties are invested in saving them.

But sometimes a woman just needs to walk away instead of insisting on staying in relationships that aren't worth a toss, because they feel they can fix him. They can't. We need to be realistic as well as optimistic. Sexless relationships with women begging for sex and performing blowjobs for a few crumbs of attention isn't ok. Being ignored or told they are wrong for feeling how they do, being shoved out in favor of porn - none of these things are ok and when a man refuses to change, the woman has to. The women in the above posts have indicated their men have no intention of changing.

I have no idea what you mean by "women become masculine" - that sounds like you are confusing a woman wanting equality and a voice in a relationship with them being male and that's a negative somehow. That's stone age, archaic thinking that goes on in the parts of the world where women are considered second class citizens.

"Leaving is not the answer unless there is abuse, the cops need to be called, or the woman is just not in love any more" . We try to not to have lists or criteria for how and why a woman can leave. She leaves anytime she feels it's right to and when all else has failed :)

Take good care!

March 15, 2017 - 3:17pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi!
I am having similar issues. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now, and he has so many great qualities (respectful, honest, stable), however, he has trouble showing me affection. I was in a previous relationship for almost 8 years with a man who showed me so much passion and love, however, it did not work out due to other issues. I feel that the lack of affection and sex in my current relationship is definitely taking a toll on my self esteem, because i am always the one to initiate sex and affection. 90% of the time I am the one asking for a kiss or asking for sex, and my boyfriend seems disgusted and turned off. He also says that he "is not in the mood" and it makes me feel rejected and unwanted. I am not used to this because my ex boyfriend was very sexual and showed affection all of the time. I love the guy I am with now, and I know that he loves me also, but I need him to be more sexually intimate and affectionate. We have spoken about this issue but he says I am being too sensitive. I hate having to be the one to constantly initiate sex! He is the man! He should be jumping my bones! Like I said, he has great qualities, but I just need more from him. Do I see if he can change or find a new man? Helppp please

January 5, 2017 - 9:40pm
HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hello Anon

Are you looking for sex or a relationship? I ask that because you wonder if you should be looking for a new man? Are you not ok with being alone for a while?

You may get along well with your new boyfriend but aren't sexually compatible but comparing him with your ex isn't going to help. Maybe you just have different sex drives and need to remain just friends. He doesn't have to change if he doesn't want to and you don't have to stay if you don't want to.
Best,
Susan

January 6, 2017 - 7:16am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Susan Cody)

I am 45 and my boyfriend is 52 i love sex. When i first met him we had sex everytime we saw each other 2 to three times a wk. Now that i have moved in with him it has stopped. I am lucky if i gey it once a wk. I try to touch him in that area and he pushes my hand away. I know he loves me, but i think as a best friend because that's what he says. He is a big t tease. He loves to cuddle rub me down but thats it. Feeling lonely!

February 12, 2017 - 7:34pm
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