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My boyfriend never wants to have sex with me. It's killing me.

By December 13, 2013 - 11:27am
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Will try to make this brief!

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.

But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.

I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.

I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.

It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!

Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…


Add a Comment108 Comments

Im in exactly the same boat as all of you. And i feel completely helpless and defeated. I have no self esteem after joining this relationship and feel unattractive, and disgusting. My partner is an amazing man and he checks all the other boxes. But he just doesnt find me desirable enough to sleep with. He was in a long term relationship before meeting me and only ever had anal sex because she thought she was saving herself for marriage that way. He tells me that he hated it and he eventually stopped trying to be intimate with her because she was a selfish lover who always turned him down..but now he has me and i enjoy sex and do my best to please him but he still cant even cum when we do it...(its almost a year now) the worst part is he watches porn and gets off on that. I dnt mind the porn..i know all guys do it. But he rather get off to porn than make a move on me. He says he loves me but sometimes i feel like hes just with me because we look good together on paper. I cry myself to sleep every night and i dont know what to do!anyone have any advice...i really need help!

October 21, 2017 - 2:20am
EmpowHER Guest

Let him go, you and he are not right for each other at all. He can never love you the way you need and deserve to be loved. He lacks the primary characteristic you need to look for in a man: availability. There are many, many fine men in the world, many that you would come to love, but they are not all available to you.
Barak Obama isn't available to you, Brad Pitt isn't available to you, nor the married guy next door, and neither is Neil DeGrasse Tyson, fine men all. Your current boyfriend is not available to you. He is not willing to give himself to you. Don't worry about the ones who aren't available. He's wrong for you, and you are too young to tie yourself into a bad, long term relationship. You can do much better. Aim to make relationships with men who are emotionally and intellectually and socially available to you. Less to worry about. Make a list of the primary characteristics of the man you are looking for and he will be drawn to your side. Begin the list with: Available, emotional and intellectual equal, fun, kind, witty, lighthearted, sexy, adventurous... you can take it from there. Dump this guy, he is not the one.
Don't move in with him. No. Move in with some girlfriends, and share expenses, and date some nice man when you meet one who is available to you.

September 4, 2017 - 10:34pm
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and we've been living together for 3. I was his first and when we first got together we were having sex at least 3 times a day whenever we spent time together. But since we moved in together it's been different. We're lucky if we have sex once a month. I have very low self esteem anyway and this is making it so much worse. It got to a point where I'd cry out of sheer happiness when we would have sex and he'd ask me what was wrong. I'd tell him and he'd just accuse me of being silly. He says he loves me all the time and we're always cuddly. Kisses are pretty much currency in our home. It's been almost 2 months since we last had sex and it's really getting me down.

August 31, 2017 - 4:09am
EmpowHER Guest

I have the exact same problem with my boyfriend and I have no idea what to do anymore. I'm 18 and he's 20, we've been together for almost 2 years. In the beginning, it was good. We tried a lot of different things in a lot of different places and it was fun. For about the past year, it's diminished. It turned from once a day, to once a week, to once a month, to even longer. We had sex 3 weeks ago and before that it was 5 months earlier. I think the only reason why we even had sex 3 weeks ago is because I found a bunch of porn on his phone that he was trying to hide from me, and he felt bad for me. I have to beg for him to even kiss me. A hundred percent of the time I either initiate sex or I begged him to have sex the day before and he pities me. When we do have sex, it's the same routine and it's a sad excuse for one. I have to have my back turned to him for him to start touching me. It's humiliating. All he does is touch me for a minute and then has me give him oral to make him hard enough to be able to have sex with me, and then I have to be on top. No other positions. I've told him I don't like being on top all the time and that I enjoy receiving oral too but it doesn't help. His excuse is that he doesn't think I'd like it because I don't moan enough, or whatever. His excuse doesn't even make sense. I've tried to have him do other things to make him feel more in control of the sex, like pulling my hair or "choking" me, but he says he doesn't like it because he thinks he's hurting me. When I bring all this up to him he either says we'll have sex the next day (never happens) or he calls me shallow. That sex isn't everything. This has taken such a toll on me that I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I have no self esteem. I use to like doing my makeup, but I can't even do that now because I'd have to see myself. I avoid having pictures taken of me. I feel hideous. Every other aspect of our relationship is amazing. He's my best friend. I don't want to lose him, but sometimes it feels like I lost him months ago. I'm too young to be in a sexless relationship.

August 9, 2017 - 4:06am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I am in the same boat as you. Only have been dating for 6 months.. he is my best friend and he is very faithful but he has always had low libido and there's always an excuse. We have no sex life. Maybe sex once every two weeks the longest was we didn't have sex for a month. It destroys me and he tells me it's not me it's him but it's killing my self-esteem. He wants me to initiate but everytime I try he has an excuse to not have sex. So why would you I want to keep trying to initiate when I keep being turned down.? And the same exact with me I give him a bj and then I'm On Top. Our sex life is so boring and it's the same thing every time and we fight when I bring up that it hurts me that he doesn't want to have sex with me. We are both 26 and living together. It's like he's only interested to have sex with me and weird ways like involving people through the internet. Like they watch us have sex or whatever which is not anything I like to do I hate it. We've done it a few times but it makes me so uncomfortable. Why can't he just want me love me screw me for me not with anybody else watching

August 28, 2017 - 11:08am
EmpowHER Guest

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. At first we were having sex 2 or 3 times a night when we were with each other. It was the best sex I had ever had - he seemed so intuitive and emotionally connected. After a few months the sex dwindled. It became less and less about giving me pleasure and seemed like a chore to him. His wife had had an affair - they had divorced - and he said that it was because he had been hurt so badly. I bring it up every now and again, but he gets cross that I am being relentless about it and always bringing it up! It's very difficult to talk to him about it which makes the whole thing 10 times worse. He has said he would see a doctor - one of the things may be a lack of testosterone which affects libido. I have never been in this situation before, it's normally been me saying that I'm a bit tired tonight! I have trained as a counsellor and try to consider what the root cause is. I have always been extremely empathetic but why he cannot understand it from my perspective baffles me. Cant or wont? Very frustrating. Although he says it has never happened to him before - which make me feel just great(!) - I don't believe him. I wonder whether this has happened in all his relationships. I blame his upbringing, his poor relationship with his mother, his years stuck away at boarding school, his mistrust of women generally. I am considering ending our relationship as surely sex and intimacy is fundamental, however we get on so well its a very difficult decision to stay or leave.

This from the Huff Post may address what the root issues can be.

August 7, 2017 - 3:36am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I feel like you are telling my story. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I want him so badly/and or it makes me feel so badly. I came from a 10 year relationship where he started using hard drugs and so I shut down-and didn't want to have sex when he was using-understandably. It's like sleeping with a stranger. But with this new relationship it had so much passion promise, and now I find myself shut down AGAIN afraid of rejection. I'm like "how the fu$& did I get here???" It's exhausting, infuriating, saddening, maddening, and the worst is it causes loads of resentment. I need that fire and that passion. A friend once told me if someone doesn't have it, you can't put it into them. And just because he's a great guy, doesn't mean he's great for you. It's sad because I love him and never want to hurt him. But I deserve more!

September 4, 2017 - 11:00am
EmpowHER Guest

Wow, I understand you so much. It felt like I was reading my exact situation. I feel torn inside. I feel disgusting. I feel so unwanted. The only time anything sexual happens between my boyfriend and I is when I start it and even then, I don't get any sex. All that happens is that I suck him off, he cums in my mouth, and I finish my own self off. He never fingers me nor eats me out. Honestly I feel terrible writing that out. I've never told anyone. The only reason I do it is because I genuinely enjoy giving him pleasure. It turns me on, but afterwards I feel like complete shit because nothing was done to me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel helpless. I've always been such a sexual person. How could this be happening to me? I just can't stand it. I feel like I love my boyfriend very much, and he shows to love me too except when it comes to sexual things. It has been 8 months and I'm going insane. I have to masturbate in private and that makes me feel terrible. This post helped me feel like I'm not alone. Sometimes I think the best thing would be to find someone else because my boyfriend never wants to fix this problem, even when I cry to him and express how I feel. My best advice to you would be to masturbate any time you can. We both have to really think about if this is what we want to deal with for the rest of our lives. We're not getting any younger. :(

August 3, 2017 - 3:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

This is an old thread and probably nobody will read it, but I just need to get this off my chest. My boyfriend and I are 19, and we have been over a year together. I have more experience on sex than he does, but we never really talked about it cause I don't want him to feel pressured. We don't have many places where we can have complete privacy, but I always look for options like motels, my house. Still, he is never really into it. I am always the one that tries to initiate it and he only makes up dumb excuses like "I want to perform well but...", "I don't have time", "I feel pressured". Of course I give him his space, but it kills me because I feel unwanted and undesired. I have suggested a lot of options, ranging from going to a doctor to meeting other people.. But he is very jealous and I don't understand him. He can't bear the thought of me being (sexually or not ) with someone else, but he doesn't really want me for him either. This has taken a toll on me, because I love him and he loves me too, but we fight daily and are always an on and off couple. I have tried spicing things up, as we used to have a lot of phone sex when our relationship started, but even that is just plain sad now. All my male friends compliment me, and a lot would probably sleep with me given the chance. So, why doesn't he?
What he does recently, is that he beggins touching me when I am upset or stressed out, and I proceed to try to to do something to please him because I want him to be happy and satisfied with me. But it all feels like he is giving me a pity fuck. And it is worse. Plus, we haven't had actual penetration in months, just the things that come before. And he tends to be way too rough, like he feels obliged to do something he doesn't want to do, and he leaves bruises on my body.
Does anyone have a suggestion? I do believe we love each other and we are not perfect, but we are still a team. Sex is not everything yet I am way too young to be in a sexless relationship. Are we turning toxic for each other? Cause it seems to me that although we try so hard to make it work, we are far from succeeding. Sorry for the long post.

July 26, 2017 - 6:29pm
EmpowHER Guest

Ugh, yes.

My boyfriend is 23 and I'm 25 and we've been together for about 2 years. He's always been less interested in sex than me and 98% of the time it's me initiating it. The sad part is knowing that if I didn't say anything about it, it would probably only happen like four times a year. And every time we do anything sexual, I can't help but wondering if he actually wants to, or if he's just trying to keep me from being upset. I try not to nag him or pressure him since I know that will only make it worse, but it's kind of scary knowing that this is only the second year of what I'm hoping will be a very long relationship; like what will the situation be in 10 years? 20?

I identify with all those middle aged men in TV shows and movies who are always begging their wives to have sex with them and trying to figure out their "secret women code." And of course, if you search "why doesn't my partner want to have sex with me" all you'll find are articles from lifestyle magazines about how men should give their wives more massages and shit. "Compliment her when she gets her hair done!" Ha. The shoes is never portrayed on the other foot, which is why it's nice reading all of these comments.

I clearly have no solutions for the problem we all share, only that we shouldn't allow the medias portrayal of sex-hungry men and prudish women to rub salt in our wounds and exacerbate how we feel.

July 18, 2017 - 6:01pm
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