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Will try to make this brief!
I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We are very much in love. I am 26 he is 32. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me, wants to be with me, and finds me attractive. However, only 5-6 months into our relationship the sex began to dwindle. At first we were having sex all the time, multiple times in a row every time we saw each other. It was amazing. Our schedules DID become a bit different and difficult. I work a regular Mon-Fri 9-5 job and he works the weekends (nights) Thurs, Fri, and Sat nights.
But I feel that there is always an excuse: he’s too tired, has a headache, it’s late, we are too drunk, he just wants to chill, our schedules are too different, or if we aren’t doing well as a “couple”, he’s in “relax” mode.
I believe that he has some deep routed intimacy issues and I tried to address this. He still uses all these excuses. He “assures me” it’s not me and that he finds me sexually attractive. I DO believe him but he never ever tries to have sex with me.
I can’t be patient anymore. I tried to wait, be patient. But it absolutely BREAKS MY HEART when I “make a move” and he denies me. He’ll move my hand off of him, or just give me one of the millions of excuses. When we DO have sex (but it’s 2 months now) it isn’t the SAME. He usually stops before coming. It makes me feel HORRIBLE. Not good enough. Not sexy.
It’s taken a toll on me in so many ways. He adores me- I know this but when I am denied and when he doesn’t SHOW that he wants me in a physical or sexual way it makes me feel ugly, unattractive, not sexual, and defeated. Not to mention unsatisfied and unfulfilled!
Any insight or HELP with how to deal with this is greatly appreciated. It’s been eating me up inside…
XO
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Add a Comment138 Comments
I'm going to respectfully disagree. Obviously I'm here because I'm going through a lack-of-sex thing too. But both my boyfriend and my relationship are extremely transparent, and I genuinely believe that he just isn't that into sex. Obviously it can be hurtful, and frustrating at times, but I think we're so used to men being portrayed as horndogs that if a man doesn't want to have sex then we instantly think that there's something wrong with us or that he's cheating on us or watching copious amounts of porn. I think people, women and men, are more nuanced than that.
July 18, 2017 - 6:12pmThis Comment
Cherryl, did you leave him or did this get better? I know it's such an old post, but it's almost verbatim of what is going on with my fiancé and I and we have only been together for 14 months. It's destroying my confidence and our relationship. In every other way we are completely compatible and love each other, but he always has a new excuse and its killing me inside.
May 9, 2017 - 10:16amThis Comment
I have been with my boyfriend almost 4 years he drinks every day .we have sex maybe only 2 times messed around maybe 20 times.i feel ugly it's so depressing all I do is sit there hate myself.i have found so much porn on his phone he always says he don't look at it.i think bout leaving him many times.at least when I was alone I felt more loved,than when he's around I fight depression bad with this .i love him but it's making me hate myself loose me over this.i already have a stressed job this adds to it.he makes promises he want drink so we can mess around but he always breaks his promises it's getting so old very tired of it
May 8, 2017 - 7:30pmThis Comment
You should be the only girl in his life whether it's on a screen or in person. Think to yourself why can he keep breaking his promises to you but watch these slutty girls on his phone? I know how hard it is to leave somebody that you love, but one thing you should never do is put somebody before yourself. Have some respect for yourself and put him in his place. That man must know you are stressed with making a living then he shouldn't be adding to it he should be taking the weight off your shoulders.
I consider promises as a big thing as I've been let down my whole life and for somebody to break a promise whether how little or how big it's just the worst. For this man to be promising he won't drink and not sticking to it and you still sticking around, your making it so easy for him because he knows whether he drinks or not the night he promised you he wouldn't, he knows your going to still be there tomorrow.
All I'm saying is show him you are your own person that you won't take it because your obviously a strong woman and no strong woman needs a man.
I hope I helped
July 17, 2017 - 5:41pmThis Comment
Wow I'm going thru the same issue with my boyfriend I have been with 4yrs. I feel so neglected unwanted undesirable like I'm an ugly duckling. I confronted him and of course he claims to be attracted to me and that I'm sexy and beautiful but his actions say different.. He would rather look at whatever in his phone and play with himself,he thinks I dont know about that. Makes me feel so hurt.
June 20, 2017 - 1:48pmThis Comment
Im having the same exact problem with my boyfriend. We've only been dating for 4 months. The first month he was crazy about me. We were having sex, he was lovey dovey towards me, he cuddled me. Well, its been 3 months sin ce weve had sex, cuddled. I thought 2 months was long so i talked to him about it. He said it was bc i wasnt on birth control. So i told him if he wants me on birth control ill make an appointment. 2 weeks after the fact i offered to give him a bj. He said he hasnt showered yet. So, i told him to go shower. Whats he do he ignores me and stays on his phone. So i went to sleep. Sometimes, i go to put my hand on his chest and he grabs it with his hand and puts it off his chest. So anyways i talked to him ab ignoring me later that night. Hes depressed he said March and april are not good months for him. I have cried to many times because he rejected me. I even thought he was cheating on me. Im not sure what to believe ive been hurt before. But im not aloud to compare him to my old boyfriends. I just wish hed look at me like the way he did before. I honestly dont know how much more of this i can take.
April 25, 2017 - 12:13pmThis Comment
I know this post is super old. but did things ever work out with y'all? I am having the same issue except my boyfriend says the holidays (November n December) are bad months for him since most of his family is in another state and he cannot see his daughter. Been together 5 months but last couple months, sleeps on the couch and says because it's darker down stairs and he works nights and sleeps during the day. Says he is depressed but I found him jacking off and has porn on his phone. I've tried to have sex but he would get soft. n he keeps saying it's not my fault it's just him. Did things change for you?
December 11, 2019 - 12:18amThis Comment
God I'm having exactly the same problem and feel so relieved to hear it's not just me although that doesn't solve the situation.
April 17, 2017 - 12:43pmWe always see women being the ones to turn down sex with the men basically following them around with their tongues out - on the tv , etc.
So as a woman you really do feel like some kind of hideous freak when you are actively pursuing your man and he shows no interest in a physical relationship of any kind.
My relationship has gone from being intensely physical to maybe once a week if I'm lucky but more often than not it's once a fortnight and this is only if I push the subject. I used to have the effect on my partner that would almost instantly get him aroused and now I know he only has sex with me almost out of duty.
Like the other women on here that has made me feel completely rejected and makes me feel like I have lost my femininity, my sexual attraction , everything.
I wish I had some answer to this and its unfortunate the advice given on here is to end the relationship as that's not an option for a lot of people , especially if you love your partner.
It would help if women weren't made to feel so selfish somehow for having sexual needs and wants and desires but that is not the case for a lot of women.
Sex is not the be all and end all of a relationship but it is important to help the bonding and closeness between partners and that connectivity can be lost when there is such a lack of physical intimacy.
Any advice that is NOT to end the relationship would be gratefully received as this is literally destroying every aspect of my confidence and self esteem.
From previous articles I've read on this apparently this is becoming more and more common with more and more women speaking up about their partners lack of sex drive. That's helpful to know when you're reading about it but it can be hard to rationalise it in your personal relationship , particularly during moments when you're feeling rejected .
This Comment
After spending 20 years in such a relationship, one in which we were intensely sexual in the beginning an ending up by being a purely platonic relationship, and one in which I dearly love my husband, I can only say I wish I had left, and I still think I probably should. Because, my friend, it's the sex that gives the sweetness to a marriage, and without it, you are only rooming with a good friend. Sex prompts the brain to flood a person's body with oxytocin, a hormone which makes us feel good and makes us feel love. Spend enough years without intimacy, and there is only platonic love. You don't have to be married to a man to be his friend, or to love him that way. Whatever fine qualities you may admire in him, some other man has those same qualities, and also the ability to love you. So, no, I don't have any other advice, besides, leave him.
December 1, 2017 - 2:56amThis Comment
Im having the same problem and I feel all your pain....it's the worst feeling ever and I'm going through it as we speak. We have sex once a month I told him how I felt and it got worse....it used to be a lot more...I'm starting to think if the sex is even worth it anymore...the one day of the month we have it is just a tease...like a joke almost and it's kinda boring.....I'm one to want to change it around but he doesn't seen to...he's 47 I'm 32 we been together for 4 1/2 yrs....
He initiates it sometimes so should I turn him down when he does? I mean a guy wants what he can't have right? Do you think he will start wanting me again?
Ps...it's making me depressed oh and when I ask he doesn't give an explanation and apologize like he used to he just says NO! And leaves it at that he also gets mad when I asks why....I need advice other than breaking up thanks
-Sexually frustrated
April 14, 2017 - 10:03amThis Comment