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Is my romantic relationship over?? He can not have sex with me.

By Anonymous May 31, 2009 - 5:52pm
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I am trying to work out an 8 year old on and off a relationship. We first dated for a couple of years then moved in together. We lived together for some years, but we started having problems and I moved out. For the next three years we have ramained friends and even tried to see each other romanticaly again but, we have failed each time. We are now going through another one of those stages were we get really close but, I am affraid we are going to be hurt again.

For some reason he is not able to (or does not want) to have sex with me. We started having that problem when we lived together and I believe it was one of the main reasons why our relationship did not work out. Of course we had all the problems that a normal couple has. But the sex thing was something that I could never figured out.

Only now after so many years I am able to talk to him without anger or resentment and he tells me that he does not why he can't have sex with me and he has confessed to be able to have sex with other women. I knew the later because we have been apart for long periods of time and I have not had sex with him for more than three years. Writting the later mades me feel stupid because it sounds as it is obvious that he is not into me romanticaly but, he swears that he is.

We love each other very much, I know this for a fact. I have asked him to be truth to himself and me and admit that his loves towards me is not the romantic type but, he says it is but can not explain why he can't have sex with me.

I know there isn't enough information for you to make an accurate opinion but, is it possible that he has some pshycolgical issue that won't allow him to give up entirely to our relationship?

He is older than me for more than ten years, has never been married and very affraid of cmmitment, please help.


Add a Comment9 Comments

rylons reminded me of the book:

He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
by Greg Behrendt...which I would highly recommend reading! See if it gives you any insights or new perspective on your situation. Two of my friends who have their Ph.D.s in Clinical Psychology read this book, and said it has been helpful for some of their female clients (and, honestly, even for themselves).

You can also read an article about this book, found on the USA Today website.

You know what my ultimate advice would be? Be like my younger sister in this scenario. Whether my sister is talking with her roommate, myself, our mom, her boyfriend, boss, co-workers...you name it...she has this "gift" of taking care of herself first, without totally offending people. She rarely is in a situation where she isn't able to be assertive, independent, friendly and a likable/lovable person.

What she does is this (it reminds me of parenting books I've been reading!).
- She sets up expectations with the person ahead of time. ("I'd love to talk, but I have only 5 minutes"). Then, she leaves or hangs up the phone after the 5 minutes. You know those people who keep you on the phone endlessly? She won't allow them to do that to her. At the end of 5 minutes, she doesn't apologize, doesn't make excuses or promises she later regrets...she simply says, "I've enjoyed talking with you, and have to go. Bye!". And hangs up.

Of course she modifies the response and her behavior by relationship (can't say that to the boss, exactly!), but she still maintains control of her behavior..she is ultimately seeing her time and attention as valuable (and she's not self-absorbed, either).

This scenario plays out in all situations. If she's having a great time with a friend or boyfriend, then she continues giving them her time. If she's not enjoying herself, she excuses herself to go home. No apologies. No empty promises. No excuses or reasons. She literally takes herself out of a situation that she doesn't need, or want, to be in.

It's actually shocking, but refreshing at the same time.

Of course, not every situation is "fun" (nor should it be), and she will stay to talk over a disagreement...don't read too much into this.

BUT...I think we can all learn from her:
- Stay with what brings out the best in you; what you have fun doing. What brings you joy. That's including a person, place of thing.

Just think...this simple change in behavior can be very empowering! You don't need to make this HUGE choice whether to stay with a boyfriend, to stay with a job, even to stay in the movie theater watching a bad movie. You can just make a series of smaller behavioral changes, and notice a pattern emerge...the "choice" may become clear and unquestionable.

For instance:
If you are with your boyfriend, and he is not bringing out the best in you--the person you are happy and giddy to be--then leave. Hang up the phone. You've got better things to do. You do. Go home for the day or evening, and see that person the next day or next weekend. If the next time you see that person is good, then stay. If not, then leave.

You'll begin to see a pattern if you have more times when you are leaving, when you are making excuses for their behavior, and have a more clear picture if this person is bringing out the best in you. You can not control someone else's behavior; nor can you "figure out" their thoughts or intentions. All you can control or "figure out" is your behavior and your choices. Take control of the present, the right now, by choosing to be around people and things and places that bring you peace, happiness, joy, meaning and fulfillment.

The other side to this: sure, you'll have some disagreements, arguments and boring conversations with some people who meet the above criteria, but again, it's the frequency that is important also...if only 1 time out of 10 you are happy, laughing and enjoying yourself...is that how you want to spend your days? Is that bringing out the best in you?

Hope this helps...let us know if you read the book, and if it was helpful.

June 9, 2009 - 12:30pm
(reply to Alison Beaver)

Perfect advice!

November 15, 2009 - 4:59pm

It really seems like you are thinking more about what he wants rather than what is good for you. These things can be hard but he is keeping you dangling, waiting in the wings while he makes his mind up about something. Women so often let men have their cake and eat it too.
Why is it good enough for you to be in a relationship where you don't get your needs met; a loving and sexual relationship with a man who lives IN the country?
I think if you let go, you will be happier....I don't know if you watched "sex and the city" and this may seem harsh but is not meant to be...but "Maybe he's just not that into you"???? This can be freeing too...the idea that HE is not meeting YOUR needs....maybe if you break contact with him, it may be a wakeup call to him..and if not, at least you may be able to meet some man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

June 9, 2009 - 9:59am
EmpowHER Guest

But im torn in two directions. On the one hand i think ur right and i should just take the heartache and let him go. But he's now the one not wanting to go. He says he's got everything he could want with me and cant imagine his life withoit me. Ive read so much online in the last day or so and it seems so many people go thfu similar things. Its like there is something blocking his sexual feelingd but i dont know wot. Maybe im clinging on to false hope but im scared to give up too easilu cos i lovs him so much

June 9, 2009 - 1:27am
(reply to Anonymous)

My current partner of 2 years has been the same (he's 45 and never been married!). He's had a series of short relationships. Initially sex was fine but not that often 2-3 times a week. For the last 6 months he has completely stopped having sex or even kissing and touching intimately. I've been through all the same emotions and became quite upset about it. The hardest thing was the obvious fact he doesn't want us to seperate. I get a lot of attention from other men and and have turned down a relationship with a great guy because we intended to to get married. Now I'm worried that this will continue in the marriage to the extent I've put plans on hold. If he thinks I'm going to leave he makes more effort and (once actually had sex because he said he didn't want me to leave).... Personally having gone through this I don't think it's worth persuing. There are plenty of people who are willing to have 'complete' relationships.

November 15, 2009 - 4:47pm
EmpowHER Guest

Hi, and thank you for the uick response,

You are right about my overanalizyng things, I tend to do that a lot.

As far as the type of relationship that we have, there are some missing elements that could be important for you to make an assesment. When it comes to the relationship that I want, I want what I have with him plus the other good stuff. My biggest fears are that I will either missed out by not being understanding and patient with the most loving person that I've ever known or that I will dragg myself for ever into a relationship that will make me feel unhappy and incomplete.

First of all you should know that for the last three years we have lived in different countries. During this time there have been periods that we have stopped communications and both of us saw other people. He has been the one who always tried to keep in touch and has always cared very much for everything that I do.

When we lived together (for 3 years) he was loving and caring and thruthfull but, he was not willing to commit ( by this I mean he did not want to get married) He never cheated or anything like that. IT's just that for a while there, we had a crisis and I left. At the time I was also frustrated because we hardly ever had sex and sometimes went for months without it. And to my taste he spent too much time in the porn sites and I told him so, I confronted him about it. I used to loose my temper and got very emotional but he could not do or say much about what was going on.

After I left, we attempted to get back and though he said that he loved me and was very sad about having to leave the country for work, he never got physical again. Once he left the country, things went bad again and we did not see each other for a while, in fact we have only met 5 times after he move overseas. But, there has never been an attempt on his side to have sex and he turned me down several times.

Only this year we have started talking about our relationship again and he has told me that I am the most important person in his life. WE are very close, we are true friends, no doubt about that.., we laugh and play, hold hands and sometimes kiss, but when I try to go further he can not react. When I asked why, he said at first that he wanted to be cautious about what we did and I understood, but a couple of months went by and we kept talking about trying to work things out, figure out what to do next as far as the relationship as a whole.

Yet, when I saw him again he couldn't have sex with me in the sense that he seems to get really tense and does not respond to my playing or touching. Last time he told me he can not figured it out himself, he said that he thinks about sex with me and finds me attractive but, when the time comes he does not know what happens. Because we have been apart we were able to talk about the fact that he was in other relationships and sex did not seem to be a problem.

What I want is to have a realtionship with all the things that it implies: love, friendship, closeness and sex, passion, everything. He has suggested that we keep talking as we are, (AND THAT IS A RELATIONSHIP WITH NO DEFINITION< WE ARE NEITHER FRIENDS NOR LOVERS) And has promised to try and figure it out and seem a bit open to my sugestion of getting someone else to help us.

Well, I don't know if anything of what I have written you helps or makes your opinion any different from your first impression.

Thank again

June 1, 2009 - 6:45pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I cannot believe what im reading its almost exactly like my life right now. My boyfriend of 8 yrs almost left me last week. He said i was absolutely his nest friend and that i mean the world to him but that he didnt love me. He has since told me that he does love me and that he cant imagine his life without me but he jist cant be sexually interested in me. He says im pretty and could get guys if i wanted but he just cant explain why he doesnt want me, he says theres something wrong in his head and is going to look into seeing a professional. I so want things to work but this is just so painful its breaking me apart. I do truly believe that he loves his life with me so why doesnt he want me like he shouldi

June 8, 2009 - 4:22pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

He's trying to let go of you. Let go and move on. The right guy is out there, somewhere, waiting for you to show up.

June 8, 2009 - 4:50pm

My first reaction is that I'm wondering what type of relationship YOU want, as you are very concerned with trying to figure out what all of the variables about him are, and over-analyzing what they mean, or could mean.

What do you deserve in a romantic, loving and intimate relationship? What is your ideal relationship, and what does it involve? Love, trust, common interests, values, goals, dreams; honesty, communication, laughter, intimacy, sex, passion, etc?

When he "can't have sex with you", does this mean only intercourse? Is he intimate and passionate with you in other ways, but intercourse is the only thing missing? I would be more concerned (and end the relationship without question) if there was no sex, passion, intimacy, physical contact, playfulness, "making out" or closeness. If what you describe in your relationship is that you have all of these, minus the actual act of penetration, then it is still concerning but worth looking into more. Do you have all of the above with him, less the intercourse, or is there more to the story?

Why do you feel you do not deserve the best in a relationship? I don't see how this is a "psychological issue" from his part, if he is physically able to have an erection and sustain it for intercourse with other partners. If he is able to be physically close with another partner, and not with you. That is a red flag, and you deserve someone who is able to physically open up to you. What else is he hiding, if he is not comfortable with you in this aspect? Why are you willing to give up this part of yourself, when another person would LOVE and WELCOME your physical closeness and sexual intimacy? What are you scared of?

Here is some information that might help; it is free of other's opinions (you are right, from a reader's standpoint, the answer does seem "obvious" as you point out). It is factual based, and can help you determine what type of relationship you are looking for, and compare this to the type of relationship you might be getting into now.

- The Equality Wheel is the ideal partnership/relationship, and contains fundamental elements for a healthy relationship:
(Scroll down to "Equality Wheel")

- Conversely, the Power and Control Wheel is very useful in gauging what type of controlling, manipulating behavior may/may not be going on in your relationship.
(Scroll down to "Power and Control Wheel")

Please look over these resources, and be honest about what type of relationship you currently have and if that matches what you deserve for your future. Write back and let us know what you think.

May 31, 2009 - 8:34pm
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