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“I'm sick of myself for allowing him to hold my happiness in his hands by deciding when we're allowed to have sex. I feel rejected and ever-plummeting confidence.” If this statement sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many women report their current relationship as going through a sexual slump, and are baffled, asking, “Why won't he have sex with me?!”
How to Begin the Conversation, Communication Tips:
- Don't talk to him about sex because that's far less important than asking him if he actually wants to be in this relationship.
- The best approach depends on what the cause of his not wanting sex. He needs to be able to communicate his feelings and concerns.
- Give him the "space" to let you know what he's thinking. "Space" means no guilt trips, listening without judgment, no interrupting, etc.
- Talk about it together: what are you noticing different from when you two were having sex?
- Are you both able and interested in meeting each other's needs (sexual and non-sexual)?
- Ask him: "why aren't we having sex anymore"? This is an open-ended question where he can't answer yes/no and just leave it. He doesn't need to be pushed in a corner or made uncomfortable but your concerns have to be addressed or the relationship will (should) end.
Medical, Physical and Emotional Conditions:
- Depression can do more than affect your sex dive -- it can effectively kill it. People who are depressed lose interest in things they love -- including sex.
- Low libido in men (low sex drive is related to emotional distress, depressive disorders, weakness, pain, problems with body image).
- Porn “addiction” or preoccupation.
- Diabetic or other medical condition.
- New job occupying his mind and is excessively stressed.
- Worried about satisfying me to such an extent that he no longer wants to try.
- Smoking and other drugs were more exciting and fulfilling.
- He's a very emotional guy and his anxiety and stress gets in the way of wanting to be intimate.
Relationship Red Flags:
- If you are concerned about the relationship, and he does not appear worried or concerned. He may not care enough about the relationship, or be as invested in its long-term success as you are.
- A partner who is unsympathetic or demanding, insecure of selfish in other areas of life or with other relationships may continue these traits in his relationship with you.
- He consistently eschews any relationship discussion by blaming you or finding you at fault.
- Dating someone for only a year and the relationship becomes sexless (platonic), something is wrong.
- A partner who begins corresponding with an ex-girlfriend, ,or has active accounts on dating sites.
- A partner who puts you down, shrugs off your concerns, says "it's fine" or otherwise placates you with no foreseeable solution or compromise.
Women shared advice while experiencing relationship turmoil, in regards to why their male partner did not want to have sex, or why men (in general) may not be particularly in the mood. Many women were surprised, as they thought something was wrong with them (felt they were not attractive enough, for instance) as they believed men wanted sex all the time.
Reasons Men Don't Want Sex:
- There are negative aspects of sex, felt by both men and women. There is a “requirement” to perform . There is an “expectation” or desire to please someone else.
- Sex is both giving and receiving, and sometimes a person may not be in the “giving” spirit.
- People can feel “less than themselves” at times, and can be stressed, tired, irritable, bloated, achy, sad ... all of these physical and emotional symptoms that doesn't help one to feel “in the mood” or “sexy”.
- He feels you two are not sexually compatible, and is unsure how to talk about it without an argument or hurt feelings.
- Additional reading: Best Responses from Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me.
Sexless Relationship = Friendship:
- You need to decide for yourself how truly invested you (and he) are in this relationship. If you are not intimate, you're really just friends, aren't you? It may be scary to consider, but listen to your inner voice and move on if you've tried and he isn't responsive.
- I was in a similar situation with a long-term relationship. You know what? It ended. For me being best friends was important, but you can't only be best friends. I spent many bitter years of this sort of Hell, and now I have a fantastic partner finally!
We hope some of this information, advice and words-of-wisdom were useful, and we have compiled some helpful suggestions that you can implement now to begin improving your self-esteem and enjoying yourself again.
Positive Improvements You Can Make TODAY:
- I have noticed, like some others have mentioned, that when we spend time away from each other I am a little more aggressive and even initiate sex.
- We were spending too much time together. Just by my being independent (because I wanted to, not to spite him!), we enjoyed each other again. Give him some quality time to miss you.
- Stop communicating by using subtle guilt trips or piling on emotional baggage. Women are saying, "lack of sex is killing my self-esteem" is a type of manipulation that will make him feel worse, push him farther away emotionally and physically. Only you can allow your self-esteem to be taken, and blaming him is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
More Relationship and Sex Words of Wisdom:
- What to Do When Your Man Withdraws from you Sexually.
- Best Responses from Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?.
Add a Comment39 Comments
This is interesting. A few years ago this happened to me.... I didn't withhold sex, I just stopped showing interest in her because of her lack of interest. I was rebuffed whenever I showed interest, so I gave up and stopped. Then she started going out with girlfriends after work for drinks, then guys and girls for drinks, then guys from work. One year on my birthday, when I tried to initiate sex, she said she couldn't...because she felt like I didn't love her anymore, and that she wanted a divorce. I went downstairs, popped a beer, thought about it, and thought "yup, she's right". We had a happy divorce, and remained friends, and 2 weeks ago she called me up to wish me happy birthday....18 years after the divorce ! Since that divorce, we moved on and I am currently madly in love with the love of my life and my forever love - a woman who I love deeply and intensely...much more so than my ex. I realize now what true love is, and I am so happy we got divorced amicably and moved on, so that we could move on and I could find my true love. So, not every divorce is sad and bitter, and sometimes when you withhold sex, it's because feelings have changed and the people have changed....in my case, it was a symptom of a failing marriage, .... and it turned out for the absolute best thing for both of us ! I am so happy we got divorced, instead of struggling to patch it up...and doing the counseling, etc. I grew from that relationship with the ex, and became stronger, more mature, stopped smoking and drinking so much, blah blah, and became the man that was strong enough, mature enough, and Godly enough to finally be the kind of "real" and "grown" man that was ready for the absolute love of my life. I am now the man that God designed me to be, and the kind of good man that can give 100% of myself to the love of my life, and be the kind of man she deserves. So, I don't think that "forcing" things is always the answer. Sometimes, maybe if we are withholding sex, we need to look at why we feel that way, and then go with our gut instinct on what to do about it. I am so damn lucky I did, and my ex did. We lucked out, and made the right decision...even without we did it all without a lick of counseling. Which was probably a mistake. But now, I have never been happier in my entire life, and now I know what true love is. It took a while to find it...I'm now 55, and yes, it was painful for a few years after the divorce, but it made me a much stronger person. It made me ready for my true love, and the woman I want to be with until the end of all time.
October 3, 2019 - 12:44amGood luck everybody ! Things happen for a reason, and it tends to all work out, believe it or not !
This Comment
Is it possible to get it FULLY restored? I tend to think that when it's gone it's gone at least that's how I've been with all of my other relationships. But I refuse to live in a sexless marriage as a woman in a society where men are supposed to be fawning over me, practically sexually harassing me on a daily basis.
August 16, 2017 - 7:05amThis Comment
Yes! I am also a male refuser, but I only became this way after years of rejection. I have successfully reprogrammed myself to disdain sex with my wife. it wasn't easy, but it was necessary for my own sanity and my own confidence.
June 7, 2017 - 5:28pmThis Comment
Does the desire ever FULLY return? Its been years and im still waiting. It seems forced on his part and i refuse to live this way. We have 3 kids but my body and looks are the same. I just cant keep doing this.
August 16, 2017 - 7:22amThis Comment
He didn't want to divorce; so I took up a lover with his knowledge. My husband is nothing more than a friend and a coward (for not wanting to be alone despite not loving me or wanting me). So now he has to witness me having sex and pleasure while he gets nothing. I suggest all you women do the same with these shameless disgusting manipulators. Don wait until your libidos are gone. You only live once!
June 3, 2020 - 11:05amThis Comment
I have been dating this guy for over 2 years and we've only had sex once and we were both drunk! He never told me until I broke up with him recently that it's hard for him to have sex with someone he loves. He only had sex with his ex of 4 years a couple times. But he is able to have sex if it has no meaning. I'm running out of patience and getting so frustrated but don't want to break up with him because of this but I don't know if I have a choice. I haven't had sex in basically 2 years! He just started therapy but I don't know how much longer I can wait. We are now not exclusive which is maybe not the answer but he doesn't want me to hook up with anyone or else he'll get upset. I feel like he is the one besides this thing he has, so confused.
October 26, 2016 - 5:27pmThis Comment
You'll have to excuse me if I don't shed a tear for all you "poor women" who are being so disrespected by her mate withholding affection/sex as some sort of manipulation tool. I mean, isn't this EXACTLY WHAT WOMEN HAVE DONE FOR DECADES TO THEIR HUSBANDS?
Seriously, I always love seeing these stories where something is a serious problem when it's a woman suffering because a man is doing something that women have done to men for generations. It's the same thing on rare occasions when women have to pay alimony after a divorce... it all becomes some egregious affront to humanity when it's a woman suffering, nevermind that men have dealt with the same BS for as long as anyone can remember.
That aside, I've been the guy withholding sex in more than one relationship in the past, and TBH, the reason was ALWAYS-- EVERY SINGLE TIME-- that she demanded to be pleased (which obviously I succeeded at since they were the ones pawing at me, not the other way around) while she did NOTHING to please me. Obviously, this makes a guy feel infuriatingly disrespected-- she got physical pleasure, got to feel intimately and passionately desired, and got emotional fulfillment (which I actually enjoy giving), but I got to do all the work while being neglected, overlooked, and for the most part went completely unfulfilled by a minimal, robotic, and hollow effort that was completely devoid of any sort of passion on their part... sorry, but just being a set of body parts to look at and play with along with holes to stick things in isn't enough to keep him truly happy, ladies.
So communicate with her, you say? Yeah, I tried that... they (i.e. MULTIPLE WOMEN from MULTIPLE RELATIONSHIPS) just fought tooth-and-nail to justify why they shouldn't have to put in more than that often not even remotely satisfying job they did... so that doesn't work. And that's all besides the fact that him telling the woman he's with that she's doing a crappy job just makes him feel like he's whining and begging to be pleased (not to mention feeling like a jerk), which no man wants to do. What's more, there's always the thought in the back of his head that if she does improve after he points it out that he's not happy and has started pulling away from her (i.e. the point where it's stopped being fun and worthwhile for him and has become more thankless work for him to do just for her default existence in his life), that she's only improving because she wants to keep the status of the relationship, or keep getting the pleasure he's been giving, not because she genuinely wants to please him and make him happy.
And you women all wonder why decent men (or at least those with a spine) have disappeared and/or don't want to court you, commit to you, or want you for anything more than pump-and-dump (and TBH, most good men don't even want you for that anymore... it's just not worth the effort for essentially the same thing he gets from masturbation-- i.e. a physical release with no emotional fulfillment)? Really?
Just to put this into perspective, I'm personally to the point now where even if I see a woman that most would consider extremely beautiful (for example, the models on Victoria's Secret commercials), all I can think about is how much of a selfish bitch she'd be when it comes to sex... and end up not feeling even passing attraction whatsoever anymore. Take that concept, and consider how I'm gonna feel about a normal, every-day, average woman... yeah.
One last sidenote just for good measure: Lingerie... LOL... what a joke... he gets to look at you all done up and put together for, what, 20-30 seconds... maybe a few minutes at most, before being demanded to snap into "please the woman mode" for a half-hour plus (usually more) while getting the same half-assed effort from you in the end? Sorry, that's a total cop-out, and you're just trying to short-cut it. Slapping on lingerie while still not putting quality effort into what you're doing to please him is like putting extra icing on a cake that's dry and tasteless. It's like putting parsley on a plate next to a steak that's not seasoned or properly prepared and has no sides, drink or dessert to go with it.
Just to make this clear, it's not your physical appearance that's the problem... it's the overall experience and lack of quality performance that you're bringing that's the problem... you can't just substitute lingerie/makeup/etc. for warmth, passion, attentiveness, and selflessly giving pleasure through proactive expressive physical contact (i.e. showing desire through action taken directly with him).
May 3, 2016 - 11:37pmThis Comment
I agree with this
October 3, 2017 - 2:53pmThis Comment
That is so unfair. If the women loved you and does her best to please you. You both should be giving and loving. That one guy cant have a emotional connection. He's a jerk.
July 17, 2017 - 1:00amThis Comment
I wrote earlier about the problems in my relationship. Sense then I was forced to leave. My boyfriend of 4 years went farther then just abandon me in the bedroom. I was so caught up with not having any affection that I didnt notice that he was slowly pushing me out of his life even going as far as lying to his school mates & brother he had not seen for 5 years. None of them know who I am or that I was supporting him. On Christmas eve his brother invited a women for my boyfriend to date to dinner, I was not invited to dinner because his brother did not know I even existed. When I found out about it later that night we began to fight he called the police and said I was crazy and tried to hit him, I was forced out of the home that is in my name including the utilities, everything that I own is still there & because we had just moved there from out of state I had to go back to Arizona after not being there for over a year I did not have a place to stay and I still don't. This happened 1 month ago. He now has slept with 4 women that I know of in my bed that is still in my apartment and he brags about it daily on My space, Pof, Facebook & ashley Madison. So clearly my relationship had more problems then just intimacy I was just in love with him and blinded to the realization of what it really was.
February 12, 2016 - 4:20pmBut I have been left feeling un waanted, worthless, lonely & un loved on top of him holding my property threatening to throw it away if I try to come back & dealing with not having anywhere to live. I just keep telling myself some good has to come out of this I'm just waiting for the day it does.
This Comment