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“I'm sick of myself for allowing him to hold my happiness in his hands by deciding when we're allowed to have sex. I feel rejected and ever-plummeting confidence.” If this statement sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many women report their current relationship as going through a sexual slump, and are baffled, asking, “Why won't he have sex with me?!”
How to Begin the Conversation, Communication Tips:
- Don't talk to him about sex because that's far less important than asking him if he actually wants to be in this relationship.
- The best approach depends on what the cause of his not wanting sex. He needs to be able to communicate his feelings and concerns.
- Give him the "space" to let you know what he's thinking. "Space" means no guilt trips, listening without judgment, no interrupting, etc.
- Talk about it together: what are you noticing different from when you two were having sex?
- Are you both able and interested in meeting each other's needs (sexual and non-sexual)?
- Ask him: "why aren't we having sex anymore"? This is an open-ended question where he can't answer yes/no and just leave it. He doesn't need to be pushed in a corner or made uncomfortable but your concerns have to be addressed or the relationship will (should) end.
Medical, Physical and Emotional Conditions:
- Depression can do more than affect your sex dive -- it can effectively kill it. People who are depressed lose interest in things they love -- including sex.
- Low libido in men (low sex drive is related to emotional distress, depressive disorders, weakness, pain, problems with body image).
- Porn “addiction” or preoccupation.
- Diabetic or other medical condition.
- New job occupying his mind and is excessively stressed.
- Worried about satisfying me to such an extent that he no longer wants to try.
- Smoking and other drugs were more exciting and fulfilling.
- He's a very emotional guy and his anxiety and stress gets in the way of wanting to be intimate.
Relationship Red Flags:
- If you are concerned about the relationship, and he does not appear worried or concerned. He may not care enough about the relationship, or be as invested in its long-term success as you are.
- A partner who is unsympathetic or demanding, insecure of selfish in other areas of life or with other relationships may continue these traits in his relationship with you.
- He consistently eschews any relationship discussion by blaming you or finding you at fault.
- Dating someone for only a year and the relationship becomes sexless (platonic), something is wrong.
- A partner who begins corresponding with an ex-girlfriend, ,or has active accounts on dating sites.
- A partner who puts you down, shrugs off your concerns, says "it's fine" or otherwise placates you with no foreseeable solution or compromise.
Women shared advice while experiencing relationship turmoil, in regards to why their male partner did not want to have sex, or why men (in general) may not be particularly in the mood. Many women were surprised, as they thought something was wrong with them (felt they were not attractive enough, for instance) as they believed men wanted sex all the time.
Reasons Men Don't Want Sex:
- There are negative aspects of sex, felt by both men and women. There is a “requirement” to perform . There is an “expectation” or desire to please someone else.
- Sex is both giving and receiving, and sometimes a person may not be in the “giving” spirit.
- People can feel “less than themselves” at times, and can be stressed, tired, irritable, bloated, achy, sad ... all of these physical and emotional symptoms that doesn't help one to feel “in the mood” or “sexy”.
- He feels you two are not sexually compatible, and is unsure how to talk about it without an argument or hurt feelings.
- Additional reading: Best Responses from Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me.
Sexless Relationship = Friendship:
- You need to decide for yourself how truly invested you (and he) are in this relationship. If you are not intimate, you're really just friends, aren't you? It may be scary to consider, but listen to your inner voice and move on if you've tried and he isn't responsive.
- I was in a similar situation with a long-term relationship. You know what? It ended. For me being best friends was important, but you can't only be best friends. I spent many bitter years of this sort of Hell, and now I have a fantastic partner finally!
We hope some of this information, advice and words-of-wisdom were useful, and we have compiled some helpful suggestions that you can implement now to begin improving your self-esteem and enjoying yourself again.
Positive Improvements You Can Make TODAY:
- I have noticed, like some others have mentioned, that when we spend time away from each other I am a little more aggressive and even initiate sex.
- We were spending too much time together. Just by my being independent (because I wanted to, not to spite him!), we enjoyed each other again. Give him some quality time to miss you.
- Stop communicating by using subtle guilt trips or piling on emotional baggage. Women are saying, "lack of sex is killing my self-esteem" is a type of manipulation that will make him feel worse, push him farther away emotionally and physically. Only you can allow your self-esteem to be taken, and blaming him is not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
More Relationship and Sex Words of Wisdom:
- What to Do When Your Man Withdraws from you Sexually.
- Best Responses from Men: Why Won't He Have Sex With Me?.
Add a Comment39 Comments
My wife's continual rejection in the beginning of our marriage caused my arousal to give up. I am now permanently unable to "perform." Psychologically, over ten thousand rejections will create a problem.
I have to ask: Why is this always about women? Men are told we are "too" sexual and to get a prostitute (at least that's what my wife told me in our first year of marriage). And now, when women are ready for action, men are confused and damaged!
November 10, 2015 - 9:28amThis Comment
I have been dealing with this. I was in a 4 year relationship with a guy who I knew loved me and lord knows I still love him, but it has currently been almost a year since I started noticing that he never wanted to have sex. We have discussed it and had conversations about it and I've told him how it makes me feel unloved and unattractive and unwanted. After pointing that out to him he said he was sorry and would like to work on that. Well we have been intimate once in the last 10 months. I have realized after going so long without it I no longer want to. I don't even want to be touched. This man has been my best friend for the last four years and it so hard to think of my life without him, but at this point we are just friends. We ended our relationship yesterday....well I guess I ended it is the right way to say that. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I have to think about my own health and peace of mind. I have been laying here in bed thinking about everything we did over the last four years and can't help but think I just lost my best friend and it hurts more than I can explain.
October 14, 2015 - 10:39amThis Comment
Hi I know its been around a year and a half since you wrote this. I wish you would come back and tell me if you are happy with your decision!! I have been with my best friend for 7 years who never wanted to have sex and no intimacy, never said I love you nothing. But we had a deep connection. However I kept begging for the last 5 years for him to do something and I have given up. With a sad heart and soul and a crushed self esteem and the loss of 7 years of my life I have broken up with him. I feel like I want to die every day. I love him so much.... how can something so horrible happen and no one will ever know.... people will know if someone beats you up... if someone talks down to you if someone belittles you but no one will ever know what is going on in a relationship where there is NO Intimacy no touch no hug no I love you amd now sex!!! But How can I love this man ... we were perfect in every other aspect .... I feel like dying every single day ... please tell me how you feel after leaving him.... I am 38 and lost 7-8 years of my life :(
June 29, 2017 - 2:55pmThis Comment
I'm right there with you! I cried reading this lol :/ I've also been with my boyfriend for 4 years and our sex life is dwindling.. Maybe once every couple weeks now? I'm constantly rejected. Mentally idk if I can do it anymore but because he is my best friend and I know he loves the shit outta me it's difficult to just up and leave
March 2, 2016 - 1:49amThis Comment
my husband of 3years will not have sex with me because he says he doesn't want to get me pregnant even when we use condoms, if we have sex once in a while. Another excuse is that he says he has a lot on his mind. I am tired of asking. But I am getting impatient and tempted to do what I don't want to do.
October 4, 2015 - 4:21amThis Comment
I am a 42 yr old female , I have been in my relationship with my man now fir 2 yrs and 6 months . I love him very much ! I to am going through this in our relationship , he just never wants to be intimate , I want it a lot more then him. We have talked about this and the answers I got from him were nor satisfying to me but I some what understood what he was saying . He told me that he's a little stressed about his job , he is exhausted when he gets home and it has nothing to do with me or my looks . He said he loves me but just never feels like being sexual plus he takes a medication that plays a roll in his wanting it . I am having a hard time with this being the only hurtful thing in our relationship , I have thought about cheating , I have thought about leaving . I am now seeing a counselor and I'm working on me , I began to feel uncomfortable, unloved , unattractive and my self esteem and my attitude was changing and i didn't like how I felt sad and unhappy all the time . Counseling is helping me ! I did realize that me asking for sex from him often makes him angry and i felt like I was pushing him away so now I try my hardest to just not ask . I do take care of my sexual needs by myself now when I get overly frustrated from wanting it and not getting it . It seriously does hurt the relationship . Now I'm working on me , I'm working out and I'm painting again , trying to find things to keep me busy and happy is helping and i feel better and feel better about myself as well . I do still feel like I'm unsure if this will be my future long term love of my life or just my best friend . I truly love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him , but I want to be happy and content in every way . Only time will tell because I deserve to be loved and desired and happy . My best advice on this is just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean that they don't love you . But feeling loved , appreciated and having someone give you there all is important and if you are not happy , talk , get answers , try counseling or get out . Because we all deserve to be happy and be with someone who is going to show us they love us in every way and I want nothing less . Good luck to all . Thanks , Tabitha
May 4, 2015 - 4:00amThis Comment
I went away for more than a week and i was hoping he'd be wanting me but he hasnt touched me yet and ive come back close to 2 weeks now. He just doesn't care
February 27, 2015 - 11:18pmThis Comment
ok what should i do my husband said he will never have sex with me he thinks it a flesh thing should i just end it
December 18, 2014 - 3:55pmThis Comment
He could be gay or bi
February 22, 2015 - 2:49pmThis Comment