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My boyfriend won't have sex anymore with me becuase of fear of pregnancy- but we use protection. Not sure what to say to him?

By January 4, 2010 - 8:47pm
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My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year, and our relationship has been going smoothly, we do not argue a lot but he is not always the best at communicating how he feels. Recently he told me that he no longer wants to have sex, because he is afraid of getting me pregnant. He says that this will mess things up for us, since we are both at crossroads in our lives. We use protection, so it's harder for me to understand this. It just makes me feel inadequate and hurt, like he no longer sees me the same. I tried to ask him why he is just now saying something, but he says he's always felt this way.

I'm confused because some of my closest friends tell me that he is looking for a way out, or even cheating. This is hurtful because my boyfriend is really an honest person, just not always open with his emotions. We live together, so perhaps he doesn't want to break up with me now? Some experts say its normal for sex to slow down in a relationship, but I am just unsure about the whole situation.
Everything else is going fine in our relationship. We both have stress from work, but do not really talk about stress a lot. We spend adequate time together (maybe too much?).
I need advice because I'm concerned and hurt.

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EmpowHER Guest

If your friends say hes looking for a way way, dont be a dunderhead. Dump him.
Unless your friends really arent your friends, the relationship is over. Dont beat a dead horse.

May 31, 2016 - 7:51am
EmpowHER Guest

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years now. We were very sexually active for the first three and I was on birth control. For the last year, I have stopped taking birth control because we haven't been having sex. At first I thought it was something wrong with me or we just weren't on the same rhythm anymore because when we did have sex it felt a little off. Lately he has expressed a lot of concern for our nations safety and has been talking about how he hates that people are having babies like crazy and doesn't want to have a child in the world we live in today. Last night, he told me he wants nothing to do with penetration and that is has nothing to do with me. He told me we can go to a sex shop and get toys and things of that nature to use for now. I have never used any of those things so I feel like I'm in the dark in this situation. He said he feels that we both have grade A genes and wants to freeze some of his sperm and get a vasectomy and then we can have all the sex we want and when the time is right we can bring a child into the world. I don't want a child right now either (I'm only 23!) But I do want to feel intimate with him. He is afraid of what is going to happen in the future and all of what he is saying is very overwhelming. I am going to try what I can and see how I feel but I just feel so lost and unwanted in a way. I don't know if I am actually requesting advice or anything I just needed to express what I am feeling right now anonymously so there you have it

November 28, 2015 - 11:39pm
EmpowHER Guest

I've been having the same problem. Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years now. We were both virgins and 5 months into the relationship we had sex. He seemed fine with it, but we haven't since. He's afraid of sex. He'll lead me on constantly, but never actually follow through. It's so frustrating and it makes me feel bad about myself a lot. It doesn't matter what I do or say.. He will not have sex with me anymore. It's put a huge strain on our relationship and anytime I want to talk about it, he doesn't wanna hear it. I'm completely at a loss. It's been well over a year and a half since we have and I've pretty much given up. I'm at the point now that if we do have sex again it won't feel right. Like there's nothing to it because I just forced him. And when we don't I always feel like there's something wrong with me.. Like I'm not good enough to make him want to. Another part of me just wants to cut him off completely for any sexual activity in the relationship until things get resolved. It's not fair to me. I get a birth control shot (more effective than the pill) and he always wants to use condoms so I don't see what the big deal is with him. I don't want to give up on us but I'm not sure how long we can't keep this up. I think it's sad when the girl in the relationship is the one begging for sex or any like-affection. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've pretty much given up hope. I don't even like to talk about the subject with him or anyone.. It still makes me so upset.

October 10, 2015 - 7:35am
EmpowHER Guest

My girlfriend and I have been sexually active and we've been together for 8 years. We don't live together, still. We haven't had intercourse other than oral for maybe a year now because she's terrified of getting pregnant and like the other fellow mentioned by someone else, she doesn't trust contraceptives. I try to respect her wishes, but I have needs too. We have all kinds of other issues, too. This relationship was very difficult for the both of us but we never wanted to give up on each other. Still, I don't know what to do about it.

March 17, 2015 - 10:05am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

Maybe the dude that doesn't want to have sex can't get together with the chick that is terrified of getting knocked up and hence afraid of sex. They both need therapy. Their anxiety is ruining their relationships.

September 27, 2016 - 8:58am
EmpowHER Guest

I am experiencing the same with my boyfriend too. 4 years ago he got an ex pregnant and she had an abortion. The relationship did not last very long after this happened. They were using both the pill and condoms at the time. He has paranoia now (which I understand) about having sex as he does not trust contraception.

October 28, 2014 - 10:19am
EmpowHER Guest

I'm going through the same feelings of complete inadequacy & my boyfriend sounds exactly like the first responder - trying to reassure me - that it's not me - it's him... Yet on the exact same token he won't use a condom...? He doesn't want to - so... It's up to me & he still won't help out with it to make it work for both of us... Definitely feeling inadequate... It's a horrible feeling.

October 24, 2014 - 2:28am
EmpowHER Guest

Well I will speak from the perspective of the boyfriend. I am currently in a relationship of just over 2 years and I have had my fair share of paranoia about pregnacy. My girlfriend has been taking birth control for a bit over a year now, and has always been religious about taking the pill on time, every day. We do use condoms as well (almost always), however, even when we are using both forms I find myself thinking those terrifying thoughts about pregnancy.

Since we started having sex I've always felt very paranoid about the possibility of a baby, even occasionally losing sleep due to the stress it caused. There was even a time just short of a year ago (so she was on the pill at the time) when I became so scared every time we were together, that I told her we couldn't do it anymore. We went 3 months without it. Three months I couldn't relax enough. Don't get me wrong though, I like to do it as much as the next person, but for some people like myself and your boyfriend, the stress it causes, the worry that our whole life as we saw it could be stolen away in an instant, is just too terrifying to cope with.

During the last year my girlfriend has expressed concern and feelings of inadequacy similar to what you're describing, and I've really tried to reassure her that it isn't anything wrong with her or us in the slightest. It's just me. I think now she has finally started to accept this given my periodic bursts of paranoia about the issue. In the end, you just need to realize that we all have our own demons, our own fears, and for some of us this happens to affect our partners. Be open and honest about how you feel, and be willing to accept his feelings as well.

P.S.: I just realized that this is now a 2 year old post but I suppose someone may take something useful from this so I'll post it anyway.

May 6, 2012 - 11:09pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to Anonymous)

I'm having a similar problem with my boyfriend. we been together about a year and haven't had sex cause of his fear of pregnancy. how do you and your gf work it out? I'm scared that this will tear our relationship apart. whether i will push him to with on this and scare him away or i give up on him at some point.

April 29, 2013 - 9:24pm

Dear WDE,

I am sorry your are experiencing this with your boyfriend. If you are using condoms (or pill) alone then he may genuinely not trust it entirely but I am surprised that he hasn't asked you for a second form of birth control if this is the case. If you are on the pill and also using condoms then there may be more to this or he may truly be paranoid about getting you pregnant. Have a talk with him when you two are alone and not in a hurry to do anything else-- it's the best advice I can give you. If he is willing to change if there is a second form of birth control added then your relationship is worth it and we must give him kudos for being responsible. If not, then there may be something or someone else in the way.

If he's willing to go through counseling for his constant fear of pregnancy, then that may also be a great way to bond and save your relationship.

Good Luck.

January 5, 2010 - 6:59am
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