Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

Truthfully, I have been a victim staying true to my vows. His disease is one thing; but the abuse is another. If one can not admit or get help and continues to be abusive should the spouse endure the trauma? I dont agree and yet I stay. I stay for fear of the day that I do leave. I fear that the anger that is so rageful will be more than he or I can bear. I fear for the safety for myself and my children. Is that fair? Is that what we promised each other on that wedding day? Isn't there a committment from each side to honor and love and cherish; why is death do us part more relevant to some. I disagree. I wish I had the strength to leave. I am tired of going to bed only to find at 2:00 am he is mad and can't sleep. Something "little" and something I didn't even realize I did set him off. He is building his anger over time. He is like a volcano. I never know what or when he will be set off. My feelings are never validated. His trump mine day in and day out. I have no right to be angry. If I am angry; he is furious. I survive on just hours of sleep; he doesn't have to work or leave the house. He can rest. Well, I am tired, physically and mentally. And yet I stay. More power to those that leave. I am not young; I don't get to do it again. For all I know I will die tomorrow. Don't I deserve to be me and live at least without fear and anxiety? I know I do. I also do know what I am made of and am sick of being "tested". I am strong, I am smart, I am giving, I am tolerant, I am forgiving. I also am tired of living with my heart racing, crying, hiding my feelings, staying strong while I have to function and earn a living and being in fear when he is angry.
*Barbie in Seattle

At the end of the path, we would have to face an END. Whether is today or 30 years from now, we are not going to live forever. So, for those who are caregivers and married to who you thought was the LOVE of your life, we must hang on and be truthful to our promise and vows at the altar. I feel blessed that my hubby's condition took place when I am still young enough to care for him. The big PLAN implies that we learn from the experience to apply what we promised: "LOVE ONE ANOTHER UNTIL DEATH DO US PART"

This short earthly life is about discovering and understanding our life's purpose. The disease process of our love one is a "teacher" and it offers an opportunity to discover what we are made of. We are on a journey that tests the core of who we are! We either jump ship or we stay and accept the hills and valleys of the journey.

My days have come to working all night coming home and making sure he remembered his meds. Clean up after him he doesn't even bother these days. i prepare the meals care for the pets. I see to the bills wich I have trouble paying most. when we do get extra money he will spend it on things not needed. We hardly even talk except about things he wants or appointments.I make sure he gets up and to apointments on time I get his clothes for him. he does nothing but the things he wants to do.I feel so horriable inside all the time for I feel lost as what to do with my life. He acts as if all is fine and I'm happy with things the way they are. I'm not at all I want out everyday but feel bad leaving when he is ill. I feel all I am is a housekeeper and caregiver and this is not what I want at all.

30yr old

I was a bit hesitant to "let it all out", but I took the risk and did it anyway... the reason why is because of all the other things I've been through in my life, more often than not, I had people either turn on me or turn away from me whenever I did take the chance and was honest. I learned from a young age to "keep my mouth shut, stay quiet, keep myself to myself, my feelings, thoughts, keep quiet" so as to not upset the status quo or any other dysfunctional family system or even (so-called) friendships. I learned to "sort my ownself out", even though I had a rare person come along that would say "I will be there for you" and then they weren't (for whatever their own personal reasons were). However, so far, in this forum, no one has tried to scold or shush me about how I feel in regard to my side of dealing with my husband's End Stage Renal Disease, how this has affected me (and with my acknowledgement of HIS side of it, which I don't discount or diminish for him). However, I know from very hard, long, repeated, personal experiences, that I better find some way to "take care of myself" in some way or fashion, so for me, writing in a "safe" environment where I won't be judged, scolded, reprimanded, shamed, blamed, accused, criticized, or wronged, is very helpful to me so that I don't have to feel as though I'm a horrible woman/wife who doesn't care about him, only myself. I care about him, but I don't care for how/who/what he's come to since he was diagnosed. In the past couple days, the "nice 2 weeks" seems to be gradually coming to an end. I wasn't expecting a miracle that he would've "returned to his old normal self" as he SEEMED to have done in the past two weeks; however, I also can see that I don't see HOW I am going to be able to live this way for the rest of my life. It does seem just "too much" for me as no matter how much I try to "take care of myself" that I am still affected by how he behaves, his attitude (on and off), and how that is too much of an emotional roller-coaster for me. I realize this is hard for me due to my past traumas and I admit to my "issues" and how they are triggered due to his attitude, sarcastic remarks, and behavior, all of which I've already told him I can't take. He obviously can only manage to "stop doing it" for (so far) 2 weeks and then he gradually goes back to it. How much more of this can I endure? Who knows. Maybe God knows? I know right now I don't have much of a choice due to my personal situation, but for me, it stills keeps coming back to "I want out". I still don't know how all this is going to work out or turn out. Right now, by June 1, if we don't sell something for money or we don't find jobs, it will become even worse. I see that he becomes in a bad attitude when he's not "hand given a small side-job to do", and he knows our agreement is that if we both don't work together that this situation won't work out and that time is coming quickly. I also know that he expects ME to pick up the slack and take care of whatever needs to be done although I've told him I cannot be expected to do that, nor do I think I can do it. I just don't know what on God's green earth he is thinking because he seems to have become very convoluted somehow, which is extremely insane to me because he used to be a very logical person. I can't imagine what he could possibly be thinking now with time/money closing down on us. He does not talk about it and I've now pretty much given up on trying to talk to him about it, I've already repeated myself enough times. It seems to me he will let things go down the toilet and expect me to fix/clean up the mess even though he says that he doesn't want me to have to fix everything?! I can see he is NOT going to "do whatever it takes or whatever needs to be done" to "save our sinking ship". I think I see that he is going to let me suffer and live in whatever fear, agony, misery, worry, anxiety, depression, or anything else because he knows I'm strong at the end, good in a crisis, and will "figure something out"?! Here we go again, the "poor little innocent disease victim". I'm not saying I'm a victim, I'm saying it looks to me as if HE is constantly going back to that role, which he has always had a tendency to do even before he was diagnosed (i.e., my mother was mean to me, my ex-wife was a b%*% to me, my sister is crazy, my daughter-in-law is a cow, etc. etc. etc.). That, to me, is "blaming other people" and not being accountable for SELF. I can't remember when he has EVER admitted to doing ANYTHING wrong actually! The more I assess this situation the more I can separate his illness from his mental/personality. I have a lot of experience doing this from other situations I've gone through in my life. It's extremely difficult, being in the middle of it, but I have grown in my self-belief and confidence and know that I'm not crazy and I CAN make good decisions, sensible, reasonable, and trust myself. I have grown, he has not grown, and now the disease has really taken him down and I'm not "kicking him when he's down"; however, I know he is NOT the "worst case scenario" of ESRD because he still has PARTIAL kidney function, is not on oxygen, does not have diabetes, does not have a colostomy, and they've even reduced the time of his dialysis treatments by 15 minutes, and even said he could possibly in future go to only 2 days per week instead of 3. I try to focus him to the positive, but he still only wants to complain about all the bad parts of it. I know he doesn't want to get up false hopes, but the point is that my brother gave him his job account so he could have his part-time work and he seems OK when he's doing the work, but as soon as there's no job, he turns into a jerk again and then it makes my life hell. I am trying to find my own fulltime job but am finding it difficult to land one during these economic times (even Target turned me down?!) I am a highly qualified person; however, jobs seem to be scarce at this time, so I am sweating it out until something happens, changes, or some sort of breakthrough happens with jobs, or something or other. I take life one day at a time, and keep hoping for the best, try to take care of myself, do what I can for him, and my daughter and the new baby, look for a job, keep the household running properly and smoothly, take care of all the finances, keep a good attitude (thank God I can write in here!), and generally try to stay sane and serene as possible. I am still, thus far, able to meet my "responsibilities", and try to get my husband to "do (only) what he can" (as I wrote before, I don't expect him to do what he can't), but he is extremely stubborn and gets an attitude so quickly that I feel I have to be VERY careful about what I say and do and that does NOT feel good or healthy to me. That alone creates an inner conflict for me. This makes me feel that I can't be completely "true to myself" in some sense. I have fought so hard to learn how to be able to do that, and now it's like I'm stuck and my hands are tied, so it doesn't feel good and I don't like it, sometimes I hate it, loathe it, and I try so hard to not be resentful and angry, frustrated, and even disgusted by him (and some of his nasty, filthy, healh-habits). I've been afraid to even tell ANYONE how he is because it makes me feel like I'm a bad person, like I'm talking badly about him, but when I have to "clean up after him" it has made me very sick and that's been going on for well over a year, even was going on before he was diagnosed (but still had symptoms). I won't go into details, I just can't even write it. Suffice it to say, I've squashed all this down inside me, brushed over it, tried to "live with it", and I think if I ever "got out of this", that it would take me quite some time to recover. I think if I don't get out, that I will be somehow traumatized for the rest of my life or else I will become like a "conditioned" person (almost brainwashed) to "caretaking" which is what I have probably the biggest issue with.
I hope that something I say does mean something to someone because I have to wonder what going through all this is for. I know there's lots of speculative reasons why and I also know from experience I don't always get to find out, but I sure do feel pushed to my limits (again) in life and as lawyers say "I pray for general relief".
Thank you kindly,
New Nan in Texas.

Thank you *In Seattle for sharing your story of your life with your spouse and family... it's very hard to do it, but yes, it's been helpful for me to find this forum to write into and I thank everyone who reads and shares, I really appreciate it, coming from me, because I've written a lot! arghhhhh
New Nan in Texas.