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A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!
"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"
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Anon,
I realize why you may not feel so strong after going back. But I disagree. I think that after the trouble you went to to leave, it was probably very hard for you to go back once again, to resurrect hope again, and to go against what you had already told friends and family.
I think that this will also happen: As you read, you are changing. And as you change, you are no longer accepting the behaviors of the past. So if and when your husband begins to return to old habits, you'll call him on it. They will not be able to get to the level they had in the past. And that will change the dynamics of the whole situation.
There is another book, The Dance of Anger, that is very good. The jist of it is that there has to be two people in any sort of dance, whether that "dance" is healthy or unhealthy. If one person stops dancing, the behavior of the other person must change. And, generally, the other person doesn't like it. It is uncomfortable. And they will try to draw you back into the dance.
You, however, are creating a new dance for yourself. A life in which you are treated with respoect and you raise your son with respect. So this is what you are starting to make happen. And if it doesn't, you will do what is right for you and for your son.
Thanks so much for updating us and for the great list of books. I know that CoDependent No More changed my life, and the Boundaries book made a huge difference in my sister's life. I also really love "The Type E Woman -- How to Overcome the Stress of Being Everything to Everybody," by Harriet B Braiker.
I look forward to your next update. No matter what happens, I know you're going to be well.
October 20, 2009 - 9:32amThis Comment
Hi Anon - Indeed, you are in a kind of limbo right now, but as you said, you're a lot more prepared to deal with the various issues now, and that's really positive. I'm sorry I missed your sarcasm, and appreciate the clarification. As long as you're focusing on what's best for you and your son, and the future you want to have, I think things will keep going forward and solutions will become clearer.
Is there anything we can help you with in terms of other resources? What you're going through is so difficult, and we'd like to help. Stay strong and take good care.
October 19, 2009 - 6:51pmPat
This Comment
Oh, I'm sorry I guess my sarcastic side just didn't come through. I obviously think that we have ALOT of things to work out IF we decide to stay together, and if we do not stay together than we probably still need some counseling to kind of difuse things. It was just quite surprising to me that he doesn't really think that we need to see a therapist together. I really am not sure how this is going to pan out. I'd like to think that we could work it out, but I really am not sure how much more I have to give to this relationship emotionally. I feel like I'm kind of in limbo and waiting to see what happens next, but that I am more prepared to deal with issues in the future.
October 19, 2009 - 5:55pmThis Comment
This is the one with the BPD husband again... when I first melted down like 6 years ago thinking I was the psycho in our relationship he took me to a psychologist. I had fallen into a total breakdown and was crying because I was so unhappy at home and felt so low... so I went in a talked to the therapist by myself on the 1st visit. He talked to my husband alone on the 2nd visit. And I went in alone again on the 3rd visit and he told me something along the lines of I was definitely the problem and had to be worked on. I never went back.
Two years later I had to go to therapy again. I melted down after I came back home after 6 months away, and living under a roof with my husband again had made me so incapacitated I had to solicit a friend to call my insurance and find me a therapist.
I hid this from my husband and went for a year or more. I hit it off with the therapist personality wise... and it was more like coming to talk to a friend. I would just tell her whatever I was doing and about various interactions I was having at home or work or wherever. By having a therapist that I really enjoyed visiting with like a girlfriend, I was able to explore my thoughts and take what I would learn and use it to work in the marriage. And from hearing my "what I did this week" blabber, ultimately she detected the pattern of the Borderline Personality acts coming from my husband. And it fit exactly into how I was behaving and feeling. She solved the ultimate riddle in my life.
She probably would have never recognized the BPD if he had been with me on all of the visits, because I would have been less open in general, and because his presence would have just confused things. I would have been told to communicate and listen better. Turns out I was the only one in our marriage capable of doing either. :)
October 25, 2009 - 1:01amThis Comment
Hello Anon - Thanks for updating us on your situation and also for sharing the books you've been reading. You sound stronger and have obviously given a lot of time and thought into focusing on your own needs.
I hope you will also consider what would be best for YOU in terms of couples counseling. You mentioned that you had doubts because "he doesn't think that we need counseling together. " What do you think? Is this important to you? What is his refusal to go saying to you at a gut level?
Women have a very strong intuitive sense about things, and sometimes we go with it, and sometimes we don't. Couples counseling seems like a really important area in repairing and rebuilding your relationship so you can come together as a team.
We're here to help you in sorting all this out, and look forward to your next update.
October 19, 2009 - 5:26pmTake good care,
Pat
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Thank you for sharing such great information Anonymous. It is a very hard decision and hard on the person who is in the position of taking care of the other person. I can say, be strong, but that comment is coming from someone that is not in that position. You are in my thoughts.
October 18, 2009 - 8:34amThis Comment
Thanks so much for the update and I cannot tell you how much I admire your strength and your ability to push through uncertain and difficult times. I would love to know what books you're reading so other women who may be experiencing similar situations can learn from them. I'll also be interested in hearing whether your husband's change in behavior was permanent. Please fill us in. We all want the best for you.
October 18, 2009 - 6:48amThis Comment
I sometimes do not feel so strong, I did tell several of my friends that I was leaving and now I'm back. I feel a bit foolish for even coming back, but if he was willing to get psychiatric help, I figured that I should make sure that everything is tried before I completely throw in the towel. Then if I do leave, I will not have to doubt as to whether I did everything or not. I too wonder if he will be able to continue with the changes or not. I'm doubtful, especially since he doesn't think that we need counseling together. I feel somewhat that the changes made are kind of like a checklist for himself. I told him what I needed to see happen before I would even consider staying and that I would not make any promises. So, he's basically making changes according to my "wish list". We'll see what happens. Over the past few months I have read many books (especially in the last month). Here's a list for you!
Feeling Good (not the easiest or most pleasant read)
October 18, 2009 - 8:10amHe's just no good for you (I really like this one!) (It's a guide to get out of destructive relationships, not necessarilly divorce, but how to separate yourself from the abuse and teaches some self preservation techniques)
Note to self (I like this one alot, has essays from 30 different women who have dealt with difficult times and how they got through it, with a little word of wisdome at the end of each story)
Transitions (prayers and declarations for a changing life)
The Language of Letting Go (also quite good)
Codependent no more (not the most exciting read)
Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay (just getting started with this one)
The Courage to Trust (Just getting started with this one)
Boundaries in Marriage (not the most exciting read)
The Other Victim (discusses being the partner of someone who is ill, personal stories from partners...many who have MS) (I like this one, helps me realize that I am not crazy nor the only one dealing with these issues)
As you can see I've been busy, not to mention studying and writing papers for my doctorate and raising a very active 4 year old little boy. I will continue to keep you updated on how things are going.
This Comment
Hi all, it's me again. Last time I checked in with everyone I was leaving my spouse. I did leave for a long weekend and then came home when my spouse started talking about picking my son up from school and keeping him for 5 day stretches. When I came home my husband decided to speak with a therapist, see his primary care doctor, a GI doctor and a urologist. His antidepressant was doubled and in the last few weeks his mood has been much better. I'll be completely honest though, I really don't know if it's the antidepressant or if he is acting just to keep me arround. I've already told him that I am not promissing to stay and that I have to do what is best for myself and our son. He saw a therapist about 4 or 5 times, who thinks that we should come in together to talk and begin to understand each other....my husband's response is that he doesn't think that we need counseling. The counselor that we meet with individually has said that she believes the antidepressant is working as he is not ruminating over past issues constantly. I'm not so quick to trust that he is getting better. I've had years of him acting nice to me after I stand my ground and then slowly he starts snapping at me constantly, not looking at me when I talk and being downright mean. In the past week or so, he's snapped at me a few times, but not too bad. I feel like I am kind of watching and waiting for the return of the nastiness and then I will know what I need to do. I have been reading some very good books that are focusing on ME and not always about how to fix the relationship. I feel stronger then I have in the past and prepared. Knowing that I have choices, resources and support has been a blessing. Meeting with an attorney and my therapist have helped tremendously. My family knows where I stand and are behind me no matter what I decide to do. I have started exercising and feel much better. I'll keep everyone posted about what happens next.
October 18, 2009 - 4:11amThis Comment
Hello Anon - You've been through a lot, and it clearly hasn't been easy. I wanted to applaud you for recognizing that, as you put it, "I have to do what is right for me and my son." While your situation is difficult, you absolutely must consider what's best in the long run for the two most important people in your life - yourself and your child. Please let us know how you're doing and if you've been able to figure out a longer term solution or if we can help you with finding resources. You're not alone.
October 13, 2009 - 6:15pmThis Comment