Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

Well, things change somewhat quickly in my life, or so it seems. I am the original writer. I was going to wait to leave my spouse until after my son healed from surgery. My husband's father passed away on NY's eve so, I cancelled my son's surgery, found us flights and rented a car so that my husband could be close with his family. It's been a sad time here. I was so hoping that when we split that he may choose to leave and live with his father who has been very supportive of my husband at times very helpful to me. Now my plans are on hold until my husband, who is already depressed and angry, is able to pick up the pieces. This will be difficult. My son's surgery is rescheduled to January 26th....so, time will tell. I haven't changed my mind about anything, only have to rethink my timeline.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience and offering support. We'll be interested in hearing your updates.

I am on the eve of moving out (part time), leaving my wife who has MS. I wanted to let the lady know that my thoughts are with her regardless of which decision she makes.

With this decision you need as much courage to deal with leaving or staying. Leaving will bring down judgement from everyone either you are right or wrong, uncaring selfish or sensible etc. If you stay you will continue to carry guilt for uncaring thoughts or actions.

I don’t have an answer for the lady but want to let her know that she has my complete support as she deals with the implications of her decision.

My wife and I married 15 years ago after she had already recovered from a serious head injury. We had one daughter who is now 13 years old and another who is 6. Following the birth of our second daughter my wife started to stumble, slur and choke. At the beginning of this year she was diagnosed with MS and is now unable to talk, walk eat or drink. She also swipes at me or glares when I try to help. She cannot help with the childrens welfare and safety but still is a big presence in their life.

We have care providers in when I am at work and to help out for a few hours when I am at home. The girls are either at school or at home with me and their mum. Grandparents fill in between school end and me finishing work.

So I have carried the burden of this decision for a few years and suddenly found myself viewing a rental property about ½ a mile from our family home; my own space away from invading judgemental do-gooders.

Tomorrow I move in for 3 nights a week, with our daughters. Why did I decide to do this?

I don’t really know but I have been asking myself whether I could have done more to develop our relationship as she has changed? Should I have been more accepting of carers invading our family home? Should I have given up full time work? Should I have been more understanding of the care providers when branding me a trouble maker for protecting our home against workplace rules and regulations? Should I have been more understanding of my in-laws as they accused me of being a bad husband behind my back?

Being a carer means giving up an awful lot trying to keep the cut backs within your limits. You agonise, self examine drive yourself to panic attacks trying to push the boundaries of your personal limits whilst constantly trying to maintain as normal a life as possible.

No wonder this lady feels trapped – it has been the overwhelming feeling I have had closely followed by the agonising sorrow at seeing our family unit slowly fall apart at the seams.

I am moving out tomorrow, as I said, for three nights and will be back on my camp bed for the rest of the week so the girls can still spend some time at home with their mum (although they spend most of the time ignoring her at the moment – this could change with stayiong away I hope)

Take heart though, you have done a marvellous thing in writing in as you now have support from someone who understands from experience and will not judge you.

People will judge me for abandoning my wife but I haven’t – I have simply set up my own respite. My wife stays at home and I clear off. May be worth a try for others? Whatever you choose my thoughts will be with you. Signing off now to take my wife to the loo.

Finding this site was a Godsend. My husband was diagnosed with diabetes several months before we were married nearly 12 years ago. At the time I had absolutely no idea of what to expect from this disease - it was my understanding that it was a condition that could be controlled with diet and exercise. I was wrong. I held my husband nightly as he wept from the pain of neuropathy; I'd clean and comfort him when he'd lose control of his bowels after eating the wrong thing; I was always by his side - all the trips to the hospital for foot ulcers and eventually a partial amputation; than the diagnosis of Sarcoidosis, Congetive Heart Failure and most recently, a finding of Castleman's Disease. I felt as if I've been to hell and back with him - but it was okay, because I loved him so much, in the beginning.
Now I can barely stand to look at him - he's hurt my feelings to the point where I'm numb. He's so controlling, demanding yet completely indifferent to me as anything other than the mother of our son and a financial contributor to the household. He says the most demeaning and hateful things to me about our marriage and my abilities as a mother and wife. He'll come home and brag about how good his female co-workers look, yet he refuses to acknowledge any positive gains I've made (earning my MSW, losing 60lbs, starting a new career). I feel so cheated, so isolated and so alone. I crave intimacy, genuine concern and companionship. I need for my son to have a positive role model - instead of the dictator my husband has become. I feel so conflicted about my next step. On one hand I feel that by staying, I'm reinforcing his behavior and yet, I can still hear my mother's voice in my ear telling me, "Never kick someone when they're down."

Hello all, it is me again. My first name is Nicole. I was the original writer seeking help. I am still at home with my spouse...but the clock is ticking. I think that I've pretty much decided that I've had it. Since my last posting, he has continued to take his antidepressant as prescribed and I guess that I would say that overall his mood has stabilized. I'm still his emotional punching bag, but I stick up for myself and don't put up with much nowadays. I just find most of his ideas, statements and arguments against me absolutely ridiculous. I almost feel like I'm dealing with a moron most days. I think that I've had a major turnaroound regarding my feelings after a night with friends. I drank a couple too many glasses of wine and spent about an hour sobbing my heart out and telling EVERYONE how awful things are. Over the next few days, I think that I had an epiphany of sorts....I do NOT want to live this way. I've had it. I'm tired of the constant complaints, dragging me down, absolute zero interest in me/my feelings/or my thaughts. I'm tired of being treated like I'm an idiot. We had a conversation the other day after he bought an excess of Christmas presents for everyone (after spending the past few weeks bitching at me about how much money I had already spent on Christmas, which I did not spend a huge amount...he pushed it over the limit). He then said to me "Well, I got a look at the credit card receipt and figured if you don't care then why should I?". I just told him, that this is just one more thing, that I've had it and I can't live like this anymore. He asked me "So, basically you're saying that you're miserable in this?"...I said that I was and walked out of the room. I'm tired of working all day, picking up my son at daycare, making dinner, cleaning up, giving my son a bath, getting him down for bed, doing homework and all at the same time as either listening to him bitch at me, or having him turn the TV so loud that my son and I have to yell at each other to be heard or being yelled at because we are talking NOT on a commercial break. If I'm going to do everything, then I want to do it alone without constant criticism. My son is having surgery next week. I'm going to give him a good month to recover and then I'm filing for divorce. It's going to be costly, financially speaking. He will fight me for custody, but he won't win. We all recently had to take his car out for errands and I quickly realized that my son had outgrown his car seat since his head was above the back of the carseat and the straps were way too short. My husband told me that he had just been strapping him in with the chest piece because he had no idea how to lengthen the straps. Really??? I could have shown him that the first time that he noticed that, but the carseat is way too small!!! Did he not realize that??? I bought him a new carseat the next day. It's sitting in my garage. He has called me and said that he would bring our son here or there, I flat out refuse. If he cannot put the new carseat in his car then too bad. He cannot drive our son anywhere. I am praying that I don't lose it while we are in the hospital this next week. My spouse does not do well with stress. Our son isn't going to want to let me out of his sight and will not want to go to him. He'll try to punish me and force me to leave the room. I'm not going to leave my 4 year old screaming and crying after having surgery just to stroke my husband's ego. He of course will refuse to get me a coffee or anything else, so I will wait until one of my sisters comes for a visit. They'll happily get me anything I need. I will leave and I will not give in and give him everything because he's sick. He has more money than I do, he's been left land, stocks etc by his grandparents. He has things to fall back on. If I need to move, fine, I will. I'll make a home for my son and I. He will get visitation, but NOT joint custody. Sorry if I sound fed up, bitter, unforgiving. But I think that I'm finding my strength.

This might sound shallow but I haven't had sex in 5 years when I say that I mean no affection or intimacy of any kind except for the occasional peck. I keep telling myself he is sick and I will be ok. I have my photography, my children and grandchildren and pets. But I'm not ok. A very big part of who I am is locked away and I miss her and I dont want my life to pass me by.

My husband injured his back years ago and he has had 7 surgeries and is burried under a narcotic perscription regimen that he has been on for the last 10 years. For the last 5 years it seems he just eats sleeps and ye;;s at our daughter. We have good moments but they are few and I cant remember a day where he hasn't made a reference to killing himself.

Our family doesnt come around anymore and neither do friends.

I don't know where to begin. All I know is I dont want to be alone in this anymore.