Sexual Health

Get Email Updates

Related Checklists

Sexual Health Guide

Rosa Cabrera RN

Have a question? We're here to help. Ask the Community.

ASK

Health Newsletter

Receive the latest and greatest in women's health and wellness from EmpowHER - for free!

ask: Why Doesn't my boyfriend want to have sex with me anymore?

We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?

Add a Comment1384 Comments

EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

To the guy with the "make him chase you" advice... Seriously? How is that an adult relationship? Guys who think this is the answer are asking to be abused, in a way. Regular good women are not manipulative like that and it's really not a healthy relationship pattern. A partnership is about unconditional love. If the guy can't get it up because it's too "available" or she's cozying up to him in sweat pants vs. stilettos - the GUY has a problem. If you're a gal who's looking for someone to grow old with, that kind of guy is going to make you feel bad about yourself always... just sayin.

March 4, 2014 - 12:17pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to Anonymous)

Hi Anon

 I understand what you are saying. The notion of me having to play games like not calling back for three days and pretending I have plans when I don't is similar to that awful book The Rules. I do agree that flirting and having fun should always happen in a relationship and keeping healthy and in shape can never be a bad idea but so many of the "tips" we see in magazines and talk shows are just plain tiresome. Bottom line is that if you love yourself, have confidence and a lot to offer someone, as well as good chemistry with them, they'll seek you out, and stay. 

Best,

Susan

March 4, 2014 - 12:55pm
dollian06

I am in the exact same place! we have been togather 2 yrs and will be getting married in april. At the beginning of our relationship i always had to initiate sex between us. I always thought that maybe he was shy or something. But i asked him and he told me the relationship right before me and him he was very sexually active. I have a very high sex drive and i often feel like im nagging him to make love to me. Today he told me (after i jokingly asked) that he masturbates about 1 or 2 times a day. I DONT have a problem with masturbation but it is a problem when u openly tell me you mastubate but you always push me away when i try to be intimate. He could be fully aroused .. and when i try to initiate sex he will turn me down and tell me not right now or hell tell me his not in the mood.. but he will be perfectly erect...when i asked him about it he said hes just lazy. It kinda makes me feel bad.. alot because i dont know what i can do i dont want to nag him

January 12, 2014 - 8:45pm
Susan Cody HERWriter Guide (reply to dollian06)

Hi dollian06,

You are not nagging him at all by asking for sex.

Something is going on that he's not telling you about. I would not get married until this is sorted as marriage will make it even worse.

He simply may not be the match for you that you thought he was (there is no sexual chemistry from him towards you, you shouldn't be getting married to a man who has no sexual interest in you) and talk to him.

If he is not responding in a positive way, then this simply may not be the right relationship for you.

Best,

Susan

January 13, 2014 - 1:13pm
NagarajaM

sex is very complicated activity. A child recognizes sex at the age of three once it finds difference in urinating behavior and becomes curious. This curiosity remains for rest of the life. At the age of 15 the urge begins and occupies utmost activity in ay to day issues. A partner with similar urge joins. First experience(s) is marvelous and enduring, long standing. Gradually it reduces first in a female partner then in male. some men have sexual urge even after 80 plus, though not getting goo erection. sex is not merely intercourse. couple should feel, understand good companionship of sharing and caring is also part of sex.

December 11, 2013 - 5:28pm
ChrisFabiani

People are like sand in your hand. If you have sand in your hand, the tighter you close your hand, the more the sand will seep out from the sides!

His attraction for you is probably at a low. The first thing I would do is to stop pressuring him or persuading him to sleep with you. Guys DO NOT like to be pressured because it starts to feel like nagging.

Now I know I may get some hate comments for this, but as a man I will tell you how it is. Try to make yourself more desirable and attractive. Men love to chase. When something is too easy, we lose our attraction for it. At the moment you are making it FAR too easy for him, which is why his attraction for you has decreased and he isn't bothered about sleeping with you.

Start going out with your friends more, let him see very clearly that he is not the only thing in your life - men are incredibly attracted to strong confident women who have a life of their own.

Work-out, if you think you're not in shape or you think you haven't been paying as much attention to your physical appearance or personal hygiene lately (don't take it the wrong way, some people really do let themselves go and don't even realize), try to work on that.

Men and women both have different needs. Personal needs, but also needs in terms of our gender. Women love to be made to feel special by their man, chased, and above all, DESIRED. Men on the other hand, love to chase and love a challenge. Up your attitude a bit, make the best out of your appearance, make an effort to look and smell good - let him see you going out looking beautiful with your friends - and tease him sometimes. ABSOLUTELY DON'T be too available all the time, it KILLS the attraction.

The way you communicate with him is also absolutely critical. How you speak, what you say, HOW exactly you create sexual tension and anticipation and how you do this in such a way to make him desire you. Be a challenge, a flirt, a tease. But don't over do it. Mix it up.

Best of Luck

______________
Chris Fabiani.
Beverly Hills, CA
Website Owner
http://FixMyRelationship.org

October 15, 2013 - 9:41am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to ChrisFabiani)

great advice. and looking back I think your absolutely right! putting it into action right away!!! no hate from this corner just appreciation that a guy would step up and say what needed said. Thanks! you may have saved a relationship or two :)

January 5, 2014 - 8:36pm
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous (reply to ChrisFabiani)

Hey. I completely agree with you. Its just as they say, if you have a problem with a guy, ask another guy. Thanks for responding. Your advice made the most sense. Good luck people

December 3, 2013 - 9:00am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

I have a similar problem. I've been with my boyfriends for almost a year now. It has been amazing, we love spending time with each other, he makes me feel really special and happy, we want to move in with each other, and it seems like he wants to spend the rest of his life with me... But then something really weird happened. About a week ago, we had a fallout about something, honestly I don't even know what caused it. I just said sorry for something and all of a sudden he stopped talking to me. Later that night we spoke via text and he told me that he doesn't know if he still wants to be with me. This really shocked me as just 2 days before that he told me how much he loved me and that I'll always be his. He told me that he still loved me. I did the very pathetic thing, and begged, I really wasn't prepared to give up someone so great, and I begged for him to give me a second chance. He did, and we're happy in love once more. I brought up how what happened the other day really scared me and how afraid I am of losing him, and he's been reassuring me that I won't lose him (I just want to add that he is bi-polar) . Anyhow, we haven't had sex for about a month, and it's been really bothering me as we used have sex a lot, we are really adventurous, so it's not like things were dull in the bedroom. I don't consider myself unattractive, and he tells me I'm really beautiful. Last night, for the first time in a month, we were getting frisky, and I was thinking that it was finally going to happen, but he started getting... flaccid... and I asked him what was wrong (he is 18 and still stays with his folks) and he told me he was nervous about his parents hearing, and I said I'd be quiet but he just said sorry and pulled his pants back up. I was lying there, feeling really rejected, scared, and I asked him if that was really the true reason, he said yes, and went to go do something, I started crying, and he came back, we cuddled, he asked me what was wrong and I explained that this was making me feel really really bad about myself, that I felt like I'm not good enough anymore, that I'm ugly and just boring. He told me then that that wasn't it, that he's been having a very low sex drive lately and he feels really unmanly about it, when I said I felt it was my fault he reassured me that it wasn't, he's not one to lie about this. But I still can't help thinking that it's me, I'm the first girl he's been with, and I've just been thinking.. maybe I should let him sleep with someone else.. maybe that will help, maybe he is bored of me... I don't know what to do, I've been researching a lot, but I'm really scared that I'm going to lose him, I'm scared that if we don't sort this out then what happened the other day is going to happen again...

October 7, 2013 - 3:45am
EmpowHER Guest
Anonymous

Hi I am going thru a similar situation my boyfriend and I have been together for 4years. We live together and I am 5months pregnant it's been a month and a half since we have had sex and when we did have sex it was because I pretty much forced him into it. I do feel unattractive with me being pregnant and lonely. It it's really the sex it's the intimacy the togetherness I get from it . He says he is tired or we can do it tomorrow. .. I have come to the point of just giving up I am still attractive to other men even while pregnant but it seems not to him. I don't want to leave him I do love him I just don't know what to do anymore.

October 6, 2013 - 4:45pm
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
By submitting this form, you agree to EmpowHER's terms of service and privacy policy

All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.

Improved

1549 Health

Changed

572 Lives

Saved

428 Lives
3 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More

Take Our Featured Health Poll

Do you think sex gets better as you age? :
View Results