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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
Hi Jean,
August 29, 2010 - 9:33amThank you for sharing your story. Your story will certainly inspire others!
This Comment
just a thought,yes all the /eople in my family with a/s[many]are high functioning.high functioning as in very clever at school and work.top of class in maths/spelling/I T /their own special interest.
November 25, 2010 - 7:17amhowever not high functioning in relationships,especialy intimate ones.my aspergers family and friens just never understand the other persons feelings or wishes.also very hard to be intimate with some one who has no interest in the other person.o/k if you share their interest or hobby,but imagine being with some one who only talks about themself or their hobby.does not realy enjoy physical love,never ask,s is manic or asleep the whole time.
so when i readMY HUSBAND IS HIGH FUNCTIONING A/S,HE DOES NOT HAVE A/ too bad.ALARM BELLS RING.high functioning means not fully autistic.it does not mean,he is nearly normal,our relationship will be fine.so be prepared to work very hard if your partner has aspergers,to make it work.high functioning or not.
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What a welcome article!
I have a 21 year old son with aspergers, and I constantly worry about the future for him, especially in the area of relationships with women. Thankfully, he has a mild form, and we flooded him with help since he was a toddler. But abstract concepts are a challenge for him still. There's a ton of info about children, and so little about adults. This was a great article! The comments were great, too!
July 10, 2010 - 7:17pmThis Comment
Stfu. There is no such thing as a "mild form" of Asperger's syndrome. It seems you need to get your facts straight and not listen to a bunch of nonsense that floods the Internet, and comes from misinformed jack asses like the bitch who wrote this article
October 8, 2012 - 10:09pmThis Comment
i am married to a man with aspergers.i always knew he was different but he was only officialy diagnosed 3 years ago.we have been married for 45 years.the main problem is communication.even the smallest chat can get very heated.there are other members of the family with a/s.mostley undiagnosed.my husband has a good job.he has always worked in a job that includes his obsessive hobby.i.e.driving and food.his twin[undiagnosed] has always worked with animals.she has got to the very top of her proffession.they all love the opposite sex and most of the close relatives[many with a/s.]have married but now divorced.it has worked for us.mainly because of my religious views.also we love each other very much.[although its rare for him to show affection]so great hope for your son.if he meets a very understanding partner great.if not do not worry.as long as they have their special interest they will be o.k. from jean
August 29, 2010 - 2:23amThis Comment
One glaring factual error: neurological conditions are NOT mental disorders.
July 9, 2010 - 2:48amThey're about hardware, nor software.
This Comment
You are absolutely right, Anonymous. Thank you for the comment.
July 9, 2010 - 6:46amThis Comment
yes you are right,but in u/k services for adults with aspergers do not realy exist,so if [some do]they have lots of stress.depression or psychotic illness then it is classed as mental health.most of the adults in my family with a/s are on medication,its usualy to keep them calmer[if they are manic] or anti depressants.,usualy because of relationship problems.
December 6, 2010 - 4:09pmThis Comment
My partner is Neural Typical (NT - a term adopted by people with aspergers & autism for the rest of the world), and I have Aspergers. I think a succesful relationship of this type requires some compromises for BOTH parties, and the acceptence of each other as a package deal.
The other important thing is to be open about the condition, so that misunderstandings are avoided. It is easy to fall into the trap of misinterpreting behaviours on both sides if you aren't open and willing to talk to each other. I must admit this comes a lot easier for my partner than it does for me, but it is worth the effort.
Don't discount someone just because they have Aspergers Syndrome. There are a lot of positive traits which come as part of the package, you just need to be prepared to go that extra mile (or two) to get to know them.
July 8, 2010 - 12:53pmThis Comment
your artical is so lovely.i just wish my a/s husband was as open as you.my husband will not read any books or articles on subject.since the diagnosis i have tried so hard to make our marriage better,they said when he was diagnosed at 65 yrs old,he probably would not,could not change,
November 16, 2010 - 12:18pmso i joined carers group and newly formed aspergers wives group.
now know how important his routine is,and understand the O,C,D,more.but its all one way.
perhaps it will be better for your generation.
This Comment