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Being involved in a successful romantic relationship can be difficult for most people. Consider all the breakup self-help books available, the movies portraying cheating significant others, constant fighting and dramatic breakups, and your own relationship history.
Do you think these difficulties increase or decrease for someone with a mental disorder? Let’s just say that it’s not easy to have a relationship while trying to function “normally” in the world.
For people who have Asperger’s disorder or autistic disorder, social interaction is complicated. Although people with Asperger’s are thought to have high-functioning autism, they still have social problems. For example, people with Asperger’s don’t contribute as much socially and emotionally, and they don’t know how to use nonverbal behaviors as well, like eye contact, according to an abnormal psychology textbook.
Interaction and emotional reciprocity are important in relationships, so it’s no wonder that it would be a challenge for someone with Asperger’s or autism to be in a relationship. Although this doesn’t happen for everyone, it’s a stereotype that someone with these disorders will not share his or her emotions as frequently. For example, they might not say “I love you” or show affection as often, because they don’t understand and express emotions as well as the typical person.
If you decide to be in a relationship with someone who has Asperger’s or autism, it seems there are some things you have to consider to help the relationship work. Keep in mind, this may not apply to everyone who has Asperger’s or autism. There is the proposed autism spectrum disorder, which places autism and Asperger’s together. Basic symptoms will be the same, but specifics may differ.
This is what I have observed after being in a short relationship with someone who thought he had Asperger’s and through reading different articles:
1) Don’t assume the other person is uninterested, just because he isn’t telling you he likes you or finds you attractive. Decide what you think of him and let him know. After he is aware of your attraction and isn’t confused about nonverbal gestures and flirtation, it might be easier for him to decide if he feels the same way.
2) Don’t be alarmed if your significant other is confused by romantic gestures, like hugging or kissing. Stop if needed, but also try explaining what the gestures mean, or suggest going to a psychologist together so you can work on your partner’s relationship skills.
3) Tell your partner how you are feeling, especially if you are angry, and why. Your partner may not understand your emotions and why you are reacting a certain way.
4) Learn what his interests are, and try to engage in activities focusing on those interests. Go on a few dates where social interaction isn’t necessarily the focus.
5) Ease him into large social situations, like parties or group outings. Understand if he is overwhelmed or decides not to go with you – he might prefer being alone or with less people.
6) Understand that some people with Asperger’s can be brutally honest, according to the book “Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships.” The book explains that when talking about reasons for marriage, a person with Asperger’s might say that there is an availability of sex as the main reason, while not including his love of his significant other. Romance can be puzzling to someone with Asperger’s, but again, you will probably see improvement after explaining the meaning behind it, why it’s necessary and that it makes you feel good.
7) If your partner talks in a confusing manner, like in riddles or using complex vocabulary, or doesn’t answer your questions directly, ask him for more clarification. Also, remember not to use riddles, jokes or sarcasm in the same way you would with someone who doesn’t have Asperger’s or autism. If you do, ask if they understood and then explain what you meant. Otherwise, they might be hurt by what you said or just be confused.
8) If your partner has certain quirks, like not wanting to talk on the phone, understand that it may be related to Asperger's. Confront them about the issue if it bothers you, and explain why.
Sources:
http://www.opposingviews.com/i/the-romantic-lives-of-young-adults-with-asperger-s-syndrome
http://www.specialfamilies.com/dating_marriage_&_autism.htm
http://www.amazon.com/Asperger-Syndrome-Long-Term-Relationships-Stanford/dp/1843107341/ref=cm_lmf_tit_3
Abnormal Psychology: An Integrative Approach by David Barlow and V. Mark Durand
http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=94
Add a Comment186 Comments
That simply isn't true. I have autism and feel love and empathy very strongly.
March 18, 2015 - 9:34amThis Comment
Hi,
I met this guy about two weeks ago. We met on a dating site. When I saw his pictures he was really attractive and nothing that he wrote about himself really made any sense in his profile except the last two lines where he says that he likes [my same hobbies] and that he went to school for [the same major that I am going to].
Other things that were in his profile is that he is looking for a long-term relationship. He is 29 and I am 21.
He invited me to eat with his family (brother, brother's wife, and their baby) the same day. I thought that was really sweet but I had to study for my exams that day so I couldn't make it. He kept messaging me and inviting me to go out.
The past weekend was our first date, he came to pick me up. He has a really sweet face but he was doing some weird gestures. I was scared a little bit but I assumed that he was just nervous.
When we were having dinner he kept doing the weird gestures and then I started to suspect that he had some kind of mental problem.
While having dinner I was talking for the most part. Then he told me that he went to school for three semesters and then he stopped going and that he has no interest on going back because he has a job now. I asked him about his past relationship and he told me that he was dating a girl four years ago but that they broke up because she didn't want anything serious. I asked him if he does drugs, and he told me the name of a drug that I've never heard before. I didn't know what it was so he told me that he needs to take it because he has ADHD and autism.
We went on a second date four days ago. He seems like a really sweet guy but I can't deny that I am a bit frightened by his weird gestures. He makes eye contact with me for what I've noticed and he talks just as much as anybody else that I know.
He came to see me yesterday at my apartment and he brought [a recipe] that he learned from his grandma. He also tried helping me study and I appreciate how much he tried, watching videos and learning the material for my 300 level college course. I gave him a tight hug before he left.
Tomorrow I am going to eat with a group of friends (6 friends) and I invited him to come with us and he accepted my invitation. He also invited me to see the Christmas lights in a park close to where he lives in the afternoon.
As you can see, we are just starting getting to know each other.
First, what suggestions do you have for tomorrow that we are going out as a group? Second, what suggestions do you have now that we are just stating getting to know each other?
Third, I am a bit concerned about some things; I don't know if this is going to work. As of right now, everything looks good. But to be honest, I want to know how should I handle "breaking up with him" because I don't want to have someone be calling me every day or be coming to my apartment without notice, if I find out that I cannot take this relationship.
This is the first time that I meet someone with autism and I am just starting to read about it.
December 19, 2014 - 3:29pmThis Comment
You better be careful! Most girls/women who are attracted to a guy with autism, end up with a broken heart. Many guys try their very best while dating or while engaged, but right after living together or being married, they can be themselves finally. Meaning: focused on themselves and their special interests, needing a lot of alone time, lacking affection, empathy, understanding. I've only one advice: get out before it's too late (and I know what I'm talking about, unfortunately).
December 19, 2014 - 3:52pmThis Comment
I couldnt agree more. I wish I had known about aspergers thirty years ago and someone had warned me. Dont waste your life....they will find women who are also aspergers and be happy. If you are looking for a relationship with love and tenderness and emotions and feelings and being supported emotionally...dont ever think they will change, because they wont.
February 16, 2015 - 10:50amThis Comment
How dare you? Just because your relationship failed, does not label every single person living with autism as heart breakers. I have never been more in love in my entire life. I grew up with my boyfriend, (we're now going on 3 years in April.) I met him when we were 14 and were now 21. He is amazing and I feel his autism makes him a purer loving more intelligent and kind human being. I would not trade him for anything in this whole world. Yes he may have weird quirks to him, but you know what? I love every last damn thing about him.
How judgemental and offensive of you .
February 15, 2015 - 1:31amThis Comment
Let's meet here on this website in 5 years, okay?
February 18, 2015 - 2:46pmHope to hear nice, sweet, romantic stories!
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Hi, after going through what everyone is describing for the past year and half with my new husband, I wanted to share a bit of my experience. While this is a new possibility, meaning my husband is undiagnosed, the more I read, the more I believe he does have AS. This was brought up as a possibility with my therapist, whom I sought after an incredibly difficult first year of marriage and disappointing 1st anniversary.
Pre marriage and living together we had lots of laughs and fun. He supported me through a difficult times and I knew that while the way he showed me love wasn't exactly how I wanted it, I knew he loved me. In fact, so did everyone and it was clear he adored me. And vice versa.
After 3 years we moved in together. We started to have some explosive "discussions" where I couldn't get a word in edgewise and his volume was up. I chalked it up to adjusting to living together. They were infrequent enough it didn't concern me. The next year we got engaged. Shortly there after I said something teasingly and he exploded complete with name calling. It was out of left field. I could understand how what I said could be misconstrued so I let it go. Again, not frequent.
We got married Oct. 2013 and within 3 months, his behavior had really changed. Today, I can clearly say that my husband is very literal, doesn't understand innuendo, teasing and very often misunderstands my facial expressions. I'm lonely, crave romance and affection and was so tired of the explosions and yelling (him at me) that I left him for 2 weeks without notice hoping it would shock him into realizing something's got to give. As a result he agreed to go to counseling however we haven't started yet.
He's very successful. Vice President at a Fortune 100 company. But that's all he can handle.
Had I known, I may not have chosen this. However, had he known, we may have been able to work together.
I guess my point is, to everyone's point, they do change after marriage. They relax and just want to be themselves. My husband has the entire basement as his domain. I live in the rest of the house.
I'm realizing that everything is going to be on my shoulders and I'm overwhelmed. And btw, he has a failed first marriage where his ex says pretty much the same thing as I said above.
I don't know what our outcome will be.
Thanks for reading and I'm glad I found this site...in a way. Some of what I'm reading is hard to take in.
March 15, 2015 - 6:45amThis Comment
Hi MissMelissa... I only learnt about Aspies today, I have read for about 15 hours today and found a lot of Aspies are self diagnosed, where I'm lucky is I have a partner that I thought was a Narcissist but after all the information i read today he's definitely an AS. I am 60 and he is 57. I read on all website that covered his personality 100% Aspie
May 26, 2015 - 3:06amplease GOOGLE Dude, I'm an Aspie, this guy is Amazing. Sweetheart an Aspie will never change, so you need to learn about Aspies and make the correct choice for you... With me being 60, owning my own home, I have no intention of marrying anyone and he is the same... when he becomes unbearable I have always told him to go home or I go home, only because I can. I tried to break it off with him a 100 times but he just ignores it. BUT, he is also one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, it just takes him a few days to work out in his own head what I was upset about, then all is fine till the next problem... but I adore him. I'm a very affectionate person which is not something you get much from an Aspie. I've been with him for three years now, will it last? who knows.... So I will do what I've learnt from "Dude, I'm an Aspie" if I can't handle it, I will have to put me first. It's a lot harder for a married person. Please keep in touch and let us all know how you are.... We all care and can help each other.... Still Learning from Australia
This Comment
I cannot second this strongly enough. If you are hoping that you can have an emotionally stable relationship, long term, you will be beating your head against the wall, as this poster points out, especially the lack of affection and empathy. Long term, trying to live with a person who lacks these things will wear you down, and asking them to produce emotions they dont understand will just make you frustrated and a possible target for them lashing out in frustration because they will never really be " in a relationship". The difficult thing is, at first they are very attractive with their orderly lives and good jobs. If you consider yourself emotionally sensitive, i would remain friends, if you can work this out ( although understanding this is also problematic) I am speaking as someone married to a man with aspergers for 30 years. I dont mean to offend anyone, but I am trying to prevent someone else suffering like i did.
January 8, 2015 - 3:51pmThis Comment
Hello. If anyone could give me any advice on my current situation that would be really great. I've recently become involved with a 30 year old man who'd behavior was very confusing to me. After having a very honest conversation he revealed to me he has Aspergers. Now so many "quirks" made so much sense. Here is my problem/question though. His obsessive focus seems to be dating, online dating to be specific. Tinder, sites, you name it. He wants to continue to be close with me, spending time, sleeping over at his place constantly, cuddling, etc (He's allergic to dogs so he can't sleep at mine). But, we don't have sex. He will joke about us having sex but will save any real sexual contact is with the girls he meets on tinder or a couple times he initiated with me when he was intoxicated but I was on my period. I'll say things like "if I was a tinder girl you would want me" and he'll say "but if I treated you like one of them I wouldn't talk to you again after a week or so". He refers to me as his friend. When I say I'm not sure if I can continue to be just his friend or sleep over any more he says, he hopes not b/c he loves spending time with me and he would be hurt. It's the brutal honesty that's making it tough. He started off very attracted to me but (while holding me close in bed) will say he could never date me because I have a dog and small breasts. It makes no sense to want to spend lots of time with someone but not want to date them, for me. It's like he has to have lots of women wanting him all the time b/c he grew up isolated. I've been researching like crazy because I care very much for him and want so badly to understand, approach the right way and be a potential partner. However, it causes me a lot of pain when he says those things while he has me snuggled into his chest. I don't know how to proceed or if I should proceed at all. A friend confided in me that her husband also has it but she really had to pursue him and it wasn't easy at times. I'm afraid that if I take that route, it's only a matter of time before he sits me down and says he's met a tinder girl with no dog, small waist, and large breasts to be in a relationship with. I know I'm falling in love with him and its terrifying. Does anyone have any similar experience or advice? I'm trying but as many of you know it's very hard to not respond emotionally as a non aspie to aspie behavior.
December 4, 2014 - 3:53pmThis Comment