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We've been dating for over a yer now but in the last few months our sex has drastically decreased at first started to go down from at least 1-2 times a day for at least 5 months and then it went down to 1-2 times a week and then to 1-2 times a month and now it's been a month and a half since we've had sex. I've read a few articles about this allready, but none seem to fit my problem exactly. I was worried for a while that it might be me that was the problem and but he told me it wasn't and i know he wouldn't lie to me. I've asked him about it but he says theres nothing wrong. I just don't know what to do anymore. He's only a year older than me and he's suppose to be in hes prime. Is there anything I can do? I Haven't pressured him or anything because I dont want him to do it just to shut me up. I want him to want to. and I'm just not satistied anymore and im not asking for everyday, at this point once or twice a week would be nice. A far as I know there's nothing he's stressed about at work or school, could it be a cobination of the 2? or something else going on that I don't know about? and please keep in mind that im am searching for help and advice and I don't want to hear find a new boyfriend. I love him and im not leaving him, even if it means were not going to have sex anymore. But it's frustration for the time being as I find it a tad odd that I want it more than he does. and I don't really want to talk to any of my friends abotu it because I live in a small town and this is personal and I don't need everyone talking about it. and the last thing I want him to feel is embarassed. I havn't told anyone of my friends but I'm in need of some advice. Any Ideas?
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Hi there Alison,
October 10, 2010 - 8:05pmThanks for the advice on the Hot Monogamy book. I will have to read that book for sure. Well, I ended up in tears this evening, and I asked my husband if we could talk about our sex life in a reasonable mannor. He said that he didn't understand why I would get mad because he chose to eat something and watch tv rather than having sex. He mentioned that he is not a light bulb that can be turned on and off at any moment. I replied by saying that every man I have ever known has always been up for sex at the drop of a hat. He then said that in the am is when he most horny. Anyways, he also mentioned that he has so much stress with being the only income. He truley is the most loving and generous person that I know. However, when it comes to sex it is not on the top of his priority list. He would much rather sleep than have sex. As for initiating sex, I do on occasion. However, he seems to have some "excuse" at the time. It leaves me feeling unatractive and let down. I end up with so much resentment that we are not on the same page in our sexual jouney. I would prefer to feel desired once in a while. He stated tonight that he loves me with all his heart. Hmmmm..
This Comment
It sounds like you two are on a rough road, but with excellent communication skills (bravo, to both of you!!) that I'm confident you can find resolution...it might take awhile.
Are you open to having sex (or any type of physical intimacy) in the morning, if that's when he is most horny? Even some "no pressure" physical contact, or "naked cuddling" without sex? I know that men are "supposed" to want sex "all the time", but many men really are able to focus on one thing at a time, and if he is focused on not feeling secure financially, he may not feel like performing sexually. It is strange to think about this as a problem, when women are stereotypically good at multitasking...but give this some consideration. He may feel so secure in his relationship with you emotionally, that he does not need to perform sexually to keep you while he is struggling with other parts of his life. (Yes, sex if fun, but it can also be a chore to "perform" for both genders!).
Please do not underestimate his stress and concern about being a father, sole income and needing some relaxation time. I can not tell you how much this sounds like my husband and my talks a few years ago (when we had a 2 year old). We now have an almost 4 year old and a 6 month old, one full-time income, and we were able to talk enough (I had to listen more to his concerns; I thought they were not as significant as he did). We also read the Hot Monogamy book, but my husband was so tired, and tired of talking about us not talking or not being intimate, that the book was more for me.
Question for you: do you let your husband talk, vent, complain de-stress about being sole income provider, or do you brush it off after a few minutes? Sex may need to be off-the-table for a little while, if your husband is needing to figure out some issues first. Financial burden can really be all-consuming, and perhaps you two can resolve some of these fears first?
Could it be as simple as: sex in the morning??
October 10, 2010 - 8:32pmThis Comment
I am very open to intimacy in the am. I really appreciate how open and honest that you are. You seem to look at both sides of the coin with an open mind. It's nice that you don't just judge my husband saying that he is cheating. I think you are right on the financial thing. He keeps saying that I have no idea how stressful it is. I know that he has a lot on his plate for sure. I think your right. Maybe I just need to take sex off the table for now. We really do have a very loving, nurtering, and honest relationship. I value our marriage in a huge way. I know that children somehow get in the way of our sex lives also. I just ordered that book that you were talking about. I'm intersted to see what it says. I guess financial burden is a huge issue in our marriage. I am so glad that I stumbled onto this website. You have been very helpful. It's nice to have advice from someone who totally understands.
October 11, 2010 - 1:29amThis Comment
Hi Anonymous,
Thank you for your post. I think most of the time, men that ejaculate quickly are usually embarrassed by their inability to last long. Men love their egos. Don't forget that women are sometimes the same way and do not last very long in the bedroom either before they climax.
I think you are doing the right thing by telling him that you are fine with his quick sex drive. Also, there are other foreplay methods that will be you ejaculate before he does too. That may help you in the long run so you don't feel dissatisfied.
Do you initiate sex? Does he turn you down if you do? Can you keep us updated?
October 10, 2010 - 8:20amThis Comment
I must make a commetn about this post. I'm going through the exact same thing. My boyfriend can go a week or two and not have sex with me. Everything else is there, the hugs,kisses,cuddling,consideration,communication,his routine hasn't change and his phone doesn't go off all day and night,he leaves it around me, so I know he is not cheating, we have been taking about having a baby together and our future. We are mutual in everything. The only thing is the sex. I love it when we , because I still get that crazy butterflies like you get in the beginning. I don't know if its because he's one of those guys that comes quickly, I'm talking less than 3 minutes. Everytime he does he feels bad about it, and I let him know that I'm fine with it. Is it because he is embarassed or upset that I don't always get mines? I've told him I don't always have to get mine to be satisfied. I'm satisfied knowing that I stil have him and that he's making love to me. So regardless if I get mines or not when we do it. I'm satisfied. I love him. It just makes me feel like he's not interested when we go a week or two without it. Then all of a sudden he just initiates it. ......so it comfuses me a little.
October 10, 2010 - 7:57amThis Comment
Many couples have sex once per week, and this is completely healthy if it is satisfying to both individuals. Sex "only" once per week is not an indicator of a problem (in and of itself!).
Did you know the AVERAGE time of actual intercourse is between 3-13 minutes; with the majority between 3-7 minutes. Most couples have said 10 minutes is too long, actually! You might want to try reframing how you are interpreting "quick" with sex, as many couples include lots of foreplay that can last for minutes (or hours) before actual intercourse. Actual intercourse just does not last all that long, for most couples! If you are wanting to have an orgasm, there are many techniques you two can experiment with.
October 10, 2010 - 7:27pmThis Comment
Thank you for your insight, anonymous. I certainly believe, in both sexes, that physical activity increases your sex drive. When you are active, your body releases endorphins that cause the 'happy sensation' in our bodies and therefore, our brains are stimulated with excitement and sexual function.
Does your girlfriend (wife) also workout? Women are reminded of body image daily...every time we go to the grocery store, there are body images that seem unattainable. Once we, as women, feel comfortable in our own bodies, sexual activity will increase and we will decrease trying to hide ourselves due to embarrassment of perfection.
When we feel good, you will feel good about yourself and your sexual needs. Does that make sense?
October 9, 2010 - 9:12amThis Comment
I'm a guy and I go to the gym I find that increases my drive the most (not like it needs that) so try to get some more physical activity done. I dont believe men can go for over a month without sex. My drive is at least double my partners so it makes me upset when she doesnt want it but saying that if i didnt get it like 3 times a week i get really pissed off and im only going so few times cause i dont want to pressure her to much for it. That being said are you so sure hes faithful personally i cant cheat on my fiance im just to loyal a person but i dont think you should rule it out a month is a lifetime for a guy
October 9, 2010 - 8:43amThis Comment
I ventured onto this site because I unfortunately am also experiencing a similar situation and I'm 28 and still looking hot! My bf and I are approaching 8 years and have been maybe having sex 1x a month for the past 2 years. I notice that he doesn't initiate anymore and sometimes I wait a few weeks to test him but nope..nothing. At first I wondered if he was gay but don't think he is because he's such a quintessential GUY, as stereotypical as that sounds (watches sports, doesn't care what he wears or looks like). When I ask him what's up he says its because he doesn't like condoms...ok but when I was on the pill, we still didn't have much sex so what gives? Then when I pointed this out he said it was because I still made him pull out and he now has a constant fear of getting me pregnant. Is this even a valid excuse or am I being naive? I also need to take into consideration that he might have low self-esteem since I've been on his ass to go back to school to get his BA degree so that he can get a better paying job. I also make 2x as much more $ as him. I also don't really try to look sexy for him anymore or initiate myself...Guys girls ..any thoughts?? Are we a lost cause? I love this guy to death and he's got a heart of gold.
October 7, 2010 - 5:08pmThis Comment
Im having the same problem,we used to have sex all the time,he used to want it more than me. now he doesnt want it an uses excuses like his back hurts, do u think thats true or is he cheating on me.
October 4, 2010 - 1:43pmThis Comment