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I am 23 and this is my first proper relationship,its been three years,in the beginning i was cool and casual and not bothered and i was confident and thats why he fell in love with me. but then i became clingy,obsessed,i now have low self esteem and im not the same girl anymore.we are close to breaking point,he loves me but he cant take it anymore.if hes annoyed with me,he walks away and says he wants his own space but i start to panic and follow him around everywhere trying to get us to make up but it ends up making it worse and makes him more angry with me.
am i just immature or do i have some self esteem issues? i always think if he leaves me nobody will ever love me cos i love him so much..and this is making us both miserable because i want to be normal and happy.
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I think I will be okay finding a counsellor.
December 26, 2010 - 4:10amI have realised that I have a very obsessive personality,i have no balance,i either dont love someone and am very carefree and casual or i love someone and it turns into obsession,
hence the reason why when he does want space i get obsessed and start to panic and i cling to him,i think it stems from a fear of losing him but its like a vicious circle cos by clinging to him and portraying myself the way i do,I am pushing him away anyway.
I dont understand why i can't love normally, i dont understand where this paranoia and obsession has come from, this fear of losing him. hopefully it can be easily treated though cos i know it will ruin my life if i continue.
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I never thought I was depressed but now that I think about it, I am, i always feel miserable and always feel like just fading away and i always picture him leaving me and me just sat in a room alone crying over what I lost , and i know hes very close to leaving me and that makes me feel worse, cos i feel like whats the point? he is probably going to leave me anyway, this may sound stupid but im being honest in how i feel.
December 24, 2010 - 5:55amI know I need to get out there and do things, so I will try and volunteer at a local farm which I used to volunteer at and I used to love it.
I will also try to go for walks and hopefully he will see me going out without him and it will make things better.
I do know that I need counselling though, definitely.
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Your second-to-last sentence worries me: "hopefully HE will see me going out without him...". This is not about him. This is not about him seeing you prove to him that you are doing things.
This is about you. This is about you doing things for you, and if he leaves you, you will be OK. If he does not leave you, you will be the interesting and fun person he fell in love with. It is about you making sure you want him, not just desperately needing him.
Do you need help finding a counselor? It really does sound like you are really, really sad or depressed or something...always feeling miserable and wanting to fade away...there is help out there for you! Please call someone as soon as you can, ask someone to go with you if you need extra support. We can help find resources in your area if you need an extra hand, too.
December 24, 2010 - 12:38pmThis Comment
I thank you for your comment, the reason I posted was because my boyfriend told me himself that he misses the confident bubbly girl i used to be, and that now im like a shadow of my former self, he wants me to walk and hold my head high, to shine and to not be so obsessed with him as he loves me and he misses how I used to be.He says he wants me to be more fun and interesting but when he says that i feel even more low and even more rubbish, knowing that he sees me as a crappy girl who has no confidence anymore.
December 23, 2010 - 1:51pmWhen I go outside i try to remember that and try to walk with my head high but mostly when people pass me,i get nervous and look down to the ground and dont want any attention. I honestly dont know whats wrong with me.
I have hobbies, i enjoy writing poetry but I havent done that in a while,i love anything to do with animals, although i dont have any at this particular moment, i have a girl who really likes me and invites me out but i often dont feel like going.although i know when i have been out with her ive been funny and entertained her and ive been bubbly again.
But I am so used to spending all my time with him that I dont really feel like making the effort to go elsewhere with anyone else.
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Honestly, it sounds like you are digging yourself into a bigger hole! You don't feel like doing anything/making any effort without your boyfriend... and he is not particularly liking the fact that you DON'T make the effort and DON'T feel like doing anything. This is a bad cycle that needs to stop!
Do you think you may be feeling depressed? Are you able to talk with a counselor?
The things you say you like to do...you aren't currently doing them because you don't feel like it. That is not even close to being passionate about other people, places and things, right?!
It is important to re-evaluate where you are at in your life. If you are depressed or intensely sad, please seek therapy. If you no longer love doing things that once brought you joy, try other things. Meet other people doing those things that you love. Take one step and join a group or class that is social AND utilized one of your interests. Are there any poetry reading groups, or writing clubs? Have you volunteered with a local animal shelter, where you can also meet other volunteers? Take one small step in any direction! If you are too sad to even pick up the phone and register for a class or volunteer, please talk with your boyfriend about your needing counseling.
Being used to spending all of your time with one person is very boring, uninteresting and is not a good recipe for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. If you are not depressed, and just confused, start journaling your feelings. Becoming stagnant in life will not lead to any interesting people, careers, hobbies, interests, boyfriends. You have to be an equal and active participant in all of your relationships in order for them to work!
December 23, 2010 - 9:25pmThis Comment
Hi leannek87,
You sound very mature in your writing, as you have thought through the problem, identified some of the issues, and now YOU must decide to change your behaviors.
You can take a small step, one-day at a time. The most important piece of advice that I actually read from another woman on this site: "Sometimes we make someone TOO important to us". Even married couples who have been together for decades are still individual, unique, independent people. If they were to divorce, they would be emotionally devastated...but can physically function and become emotionally strong again. It is all about choices.
Your choices:
1. Find something you are passionate about. What do you LOVE to do, what gets you out of bed in the morning, what are you excited about and look forward to that does not include your boyfriend? Is it a hobby, talent, physical activity, nature..what is it that makes you, YOU. People need to have passions in their life, and it makes them more interesting to be around.
2. Find support. If you are struggling with low self-esteem, learn how to build it up for yourself and not rely on any person to do it for you. What are you good at? What do you like about yourself? Do you have family and friends who love you? Spend time with them, and if you are courageous...ask them why they like you. What are your best qualities? Knowing what others see in you can help you see them in yourself (if you don't already). Of COURSE someone else would love you; that's an excuse to stay with someone because of fear.
3. Face your fears. What are you most afraid of? What if your boyfriend did leave you suddenly, what would happen to you? I think Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You must do the thing you fear most", and by that, you need to live as if YOU are the most important thing in your life. You must live as if you are helping others, thinking less about yourself. Volunteer your time. Face your fears of the unknown, and develop good coping skills as well as learn to become strong and independent. Only with these qualities will you find the man who wants a woman with these qualities. Please know: this is not all your fault. I am sure that your boyfriend is enabling your behavior in some degree, as he may have low self-esteem too, to want a woman with low self-esteem. If he is strong and independent, he will feel secure enough to let you know: I want a woman who is strong, independent, interesting and fun! He would then back-up this with not tugging you back if you become independent and strong; if he has high self-esteem, he will not be threatened if you go away for the weekend, if you find a new talent or hobby. If you are passionate about something besides just him.
Good luck!
December 23, 2010 - 12:13pmThis Comment