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A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!
"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"
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I hate to sound mean ... But you need to leave now . It's a long long time with a person with a chronic illness . I know .... My spouse had a life changing illness hit him 12 years ago . It is not mean if you leave now and find yourself , do all
October 10, 2016 - 11:15pmThe fun things you want . And you may find another strong person who likes to do all the things you want to . Life is hard , don't complicate it right from the start.
This Comment
Just found this thread. I am just starting a divorce from a man with longterm health issues. So many similar issues. I wish someone had succeeded in talking me into breaking up with him a while back. Some friends tried, but I guess I wasn't ready. I just want to encourage you to keep looking! I think you know that things will go downhill from here. I'm guessing you may not have the kids that you want either. (I never did). Mine was my first real relationship too. But now you know more about what you want - go get it! Wishing you the best. Take care of yourself first. Life is short.
August 14, 2016 - 7:29pmThis Comment
there is no reason for you to get married. Why are you feeling pressure to make that next step?? You can live together without the piece of paper. That will allow you to feel the freedom to move on should you make that decision. I will tell you from a point of experience, love isn't always enough. Not being intimate and having to beg for it wears on your own self esteem and it becomes depressing and frustrating and eventually turns to resent.
August 13, 2016 - 7:32amThis Comment
Don't do as I did and wait until you are suicidal before you get help from a good therapist. Your life is too important to lose it in unhappiness. My husband was ill for 6 years and I stayed out of guilt. In therapy I learned we were never a good match and I had been unhappy for years before. Embrace happiness and let unhappiness go
August 11, 2016 - 5:18pmThis Comment
No. Definitely No. Because then you don't have enough energy and time to take care of yourself. You cannot take care of him as a 24/7 nurse since you have to work and raise kids. Eventually, all of you will suffer.
August 9, 2016 - 12:55pmThis Comment
To anonymous, please don't marry a man that you can't touch or rarely have sex with. I understand you say you love him but buying a house getting married and especially having a child with him doesn't sound like a good idea right now. You certainly can have someone you can touch and hold and be in love with and even have sex with very often if you like. Im not sure why you haven't been in any other relationships but could you consider finding out who else you might find out there. I think all of this would take its toll on you. I'm afraid you'll be very very lonely not to mention tired from not having help with a child and eventually you'll want someone to touch and have sex with. Im saying this as someone who has a very soft heart and suffers from a incurable debilitating disease. Good luck and if you decide to stay because you love them and are 100 percent happy then that's good too I guess everyone has different things they want in a marriage.
August 5, 2016 - 3:20amThis Comment
My husband was diagnosed with MS 7 months after we were married. We knew he had something wrong because he was having trouble with balance and walking. I thought after diagnosis things would get easier. But they have only gotten worse. He is on disability and stays home all day. He has a hard time making changes to how he does things. A lot of the day to day I am cleaning up things, and helping him do things. I make his breakfast, get him dressed, prepare lunch most days, go to work for 8 hours and then come home and do all of it throughout the night. We both didn't want kids because we wanted our careers and each other to be the plan. My career has taken a backseat to his illness. He has no drive to leave the house EVER. I am someone who sleeps next to him but helps him with everything. I am not his wife. Do we love each other YES, but I can't keep this up. I need to live my life because we have only been married for 4 and a half years. This was not how it was supposed to be. We are so unhappy with each other and I cannot deal with the constant destruction in my life. I don't want to divorce but I do want a life. I would love a life with him but he doesn't want one. He has told me that. He wants this one to fast forward to being over.
July 15, 2016 - 1:22pmThis Comment
It is such an unfortunate situation for you both - starting out with a hopeful future only for it to be dashed. It is very difficult to accept this disease and it sounds like your husband is struggling to do so and is depressed. He may benefit from counselling as well as anti depressants to help him get through for now. My husband refused to accept it at the beginning. It was like a hot ball that he kept throwing at me and I kept throwing it right back. I used to attend MS meetings and go to social MS evenings but he wouldn't come as he was frightened of what the future may hold. I must admit I was shocked at what the future may hold when I saw others whose MS had advanced quickly. My husband also refused to take care of himself - wouldn't wear a coat in winter, wouldn't eat regularly or healthy meals when not with me - basically he acted like a child and he wanted me to be his Mum. I didn't sign up for that. I eventually left as my daughter became mentally unstable due to the dreadful atmosphere between us and because of how much he had changed. It is so much better now that we are in separate houses. We are still married (minus the intimate side) but the difference is that the respect is slowly but surely coming back into the relationship. I feel for your situation as you still love each other deeply and it is heart breaking that you want a loving relationship and he doesn't which is very difficult. I hope that you can get some help for you too as it sounds like you could do with someone to talk to. It can be very isolating as a carer of someone with MS and you can feel very alone. If you are in it for the long haul, you will have to put things in place for the future - carers to come in and help him while you go to work (it is very important that you do not give up your career as this will get you through). The MS Society can help you with information regarding this. Please don't suffer on your own. Take care,
July 16, 2016 - 6:30amThis Comment
The kind of woman who leaves a sick spouse is someone who is at her wits end. My husband was diagnosed with MS when we were engaged. We were married for 16 years, however, I didn't bargain for the controlling, lying (he calls it fibbing), manipulative, competitive streak that this nasty disease brought out in him. Life became so intolerable that I was confined to my room. One of the reasons for leaving in the end was because my chronic back pain which has left me semi-disabled following child birth (his child) became in my husband's eyes irrelevant. I would ask him each and every day how he was feeling, however, this would not be reciprocated. If my husband had a relapse I would wait on him hand and foot, however, whenever I was ill or suffered back pain he would simply leave me in my room and not make enquiries - I wouldn't even get a cup of tea.
The second and perhaps more important reason was that my teenage daughter became mentally ill from the dreadful situation and atmosphere between us in and around the house. My focus became my daughter who spends half her time with her dad and half with me (her choice - she is 15 years old). My daughter is on prozac but is slowly but surely getting better. My husband and I (still married) are more tolerant of each other right now and better friends than before. Whilst we were both together and in such terrible circumstances we could not help each other, however, now we are there for each other when it matters. Grant it, me more than him but I can handle it with distance between us when needed.
I still love my husband (at least the man I married) and I long to see the person he used to be. I pray for a cure for MS so that one day he may eventually return. This heartbreaking disease puts a juggernaut through your life. For those of you who think women who leave a man with MS I ask you to walk a mile in my footsteps before you judge.
July 6, 2016 - 10:50amThis Comment
Indiana-im the one with heriditary colon cancer,im in remission,found out now i have autumne disease,living on chemo and just had a growth removed off breast.just went through genetic cancer testing,my husbandd is not helpful,i feel i burden himcause he cant live his hunting life,on top that we have a 28 year old cerbral palsy son that lives at home his our baby huey.he is mobil but requires help in every way.i cry out to god alot and look at i had a great job which dr said i cant do no more,but i beleive in the marriage vowls.but the one that walks out of the one who ends up sick for no reason of explaning as cancer.i believe god come and show his self to that person.marriage is not easy healthy but you walk hand in hand with each other one day at a time its hard.but think if it was reversed would you want walked out on cause you became ill.yea ill say my husbands a butt but ive crawled to vomit cause chemo left and never asked can i get you something.ive learned dont expect and then dont get get let down but i beleive it takes great faith and tell god we married for better or worse,i cry on these storys cause iwant to be normal how does people not want to love and help that person with sickness.well i feel its selfish of the healthy person cause i would never give up on my son.so pull your pants up deal with whats been given to you ,love unconditionally and watch god show up even if you dont beleive in god.his there and i know the people who are praying gods breaking him.life isnt always easy but how we chose to deal with whats been given to us.so if the healthy spouse leaves i pray god gets hold of them shows them life isnt always about them.ill be praying for all you guys.
July 3, 2016 - 8:05amThis Comment