Improved
6113 HealthChanged
3786 LivesSaved
3568 Lives0 lives impacted in the last 24 hrs Learn More
A couple of days ago, a woman wrote to me in the "ASK Michelle" section and told me her heartfelt, honest, and I think heart-wrenching story about her ill husband, who has multiple sclerosis, and the very real difficulties about living with someone who has changed in so many ways over the years. Many of the changes have affected his personality and made him very difficult to live with at times. I wrote her back and told her how I could totally see where she was coming from in terms of her emotions, and that I understood what she was saying. But I also wanted to post her story here (see below), so others could see it and reply to her and give her more suggestions, support and a sense of hope and that she is not alone. Please, if anyone has anything they'd like to tell her, I would really appreciate it--I'm sending her this link so she can watch for more replies. For example, do you know of another woman who has gone through this, and/or do you know of any resources for her? Thank you everyone!
"I am a 37year old female, well educated and completely healthy. I married my husband 8 years ago, knowing that he has multiple sclerosis. He was a vibrant, fun, clever and interesting person. Over the past 8 years, he has physically deteriorated (developed seizures, incontinence, difficulty walking distances, had a pulmonary embolism and now suffers from depression (but who wouldn't)). He no longer works, he stays home and does some household chores, is obsessed with our finances (we are doing ok), is mean and angry, hardly talks to me, hasn't held me or made love to me in years and honestly I don't even think that he likes me. I really think that I could deal with the physical limitations, it's the emotional stuff that is wearing me down. I've been seeing a counselor who asks me "How much more are you willing to take?" and I just don't know anymore. I'm so lonely and feel so trapped. He refuses to see a counselor or psychiatrist. I feel like an awful person for even thinking of leaving him, but I'm so unhappy that I don't know what else to do. I guess my question is "what kind of woman leaves a sick spouse?"
All user-generated information on this site is the opinion of its author only and is not a substitute for medical advice or treatment for any medical conditions. Members and guests are responsible for their own posts and the potential consequences of those posts detailed in our Terms of Service.
Add a Comment550 Comments
I've also lived 5 years with a spouse who has terminal cancer. It has been all about him. He has opted out of being a dad and hardly talks to his 2 daughters and never does anything for them. He puts all his efforts in trying to keep working ( he's a workaholic). I organised his medical treatments, looked for life saving procedures and kept him going far longer than his prognosis as I have a medical background. I feel like a sole parent and I work as well. He's never even said thank you or has done anything for me ( by that I mean even offered to make me a tea). I've run out of giving and of love and planning to leave. He may only have a few years left, but I also feel like I'm dying inside. On the outside people don't really know how hard it is to put your needs on hold for years. So all I really want to say is I think I get some if how you feel
August 30, 2015 - 5:34amThis Comment
I was with a woman that was very sick right after I met her for about a year. It's a long story but she is an amazing woman but the constant seizures, hospitals and pain she suffered was our relationship. She lost everything. I gave everything but it killed the normal meeting someone and getting to know them phase. It ended as I pulled away as I promised not to get 'hurt'. So I closed off not really knowing I was doing it. I can tell you one thing. If you love them, If they are beautiful inside, if they make you laugh and feel loved then don't close off. Share the experience with them and love them. What a mistake I made. I will regret for my whole life. This post is purposefully vague. God I miss her. I wish we could of got to know each other for a half a year before that happened. I would of been more prepared. Good thing is she's alive. I think of that every day and still pray for her. I can only imagine how she feels. I am so happy she is alive and well somewhere on earth now. I Miss you.
August 24, 2015 - 7:07pmThis Comment
Hi,
August 19, 2015 - 4:29amI totally understand it can not be easy taking care of a sick spouse. But what I find the strangest is all the comments of the non-sick spouses and their self pity. "Poor me, my husband/wife is living in pain/disabled/dying and I'm not getting any attention from him/her, not even sex, I don't feel loved anymore" etc. etc. Maybe trying to other standing what your spouse is going trough and talking to your spouse about what you as caretaker are going trough will get you far. But stop making it about for you. You're are not the one sick. Maybe try to understand and be understood. Because trust me, your sick spouse knows when you don't sympathize. They have to deal with sickness and with a unsympathetic spouse at the same time. I wonder if you could pull that off. So stop making someone else's sickness all about you. Sympathize and be honest and you'll hopefully get the same in return. But please just for a while stop making it about you.
This Comment
I agree with this. I am the sick spouse and I would switch places in a heart beat! No one wants to be sick and have their life ruined. Where is the empathy?
September 21, 2015 - 2:18pmThis Comment
i am a sick spouse. he doesn't complain about taking care of me so much. he came into the relationship knowing what he was getting into. However, i feel guilty for him always having to miss out on things he'd/we'd like to do. So, his life is just as ruined as mine is.
September 21, 2015 - 6:14pmThis Comment
i am a sick spouse. he doesn't complain about taking care of me so much. he came into the relationship knowing what he was getting into. However, i feel guilty for him always having to miss out on things he'd/we'd like to do. So, his life is just as ruined as mine is.
September 21, 2015 - 6:13pmThis Comment
I hope you never have to endure it.
I am in a VERY similar situation. You, I'm assuming, are not as you have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to become a non-person to the one you love...the one you continue to give everything to, the one you would die for. My husband's illness has claimed two victims. Believe you me, she is suffering. Don't judge her until you've had to make a similar sacrifice.
September 2, 2015 - 6:01pmThis Comment
Spoken exactly like someone who hasn't walked in my shoes. Self-pity, not me. But seriously, once your spouse is ill, if it weren't for self-pity, there probabl y wouldn't be any concern for the caregiver otherwise. Ever spend holiday after holiday being asked how your spous is? And not once does anyone ask how YOU are? You, the only one working for $, the only one caring for your spouse, the only one caring for 3 kids, the home? No, I don't think you know what this is like. And on top of many of our stories, we aren't caring for a sweet, cooperative spouse who is appreciative. The common thread you seem to be missing is that the categiver is a person with needs, too; and just because our spouse has hit some poor luck doesn't mean our needs aren't important too. I think you are looking at this from only the ill's perspective. I see your view, and it comes from the cheap seats.
August 19, 2015 - 4:54amThis Comment
I agree with you. My husband has been ill for the past six years and is in need of a kidney transplant. We have been married for over 20 years but I never imagined my life being like it is now. I feel like I have been a caretaker all of my life. My father became ill when I was only 5. He did pretty good up until my teen years when his lung problems grew worse and I had to drive him because my mom did not drive to the hospital at any given time where he may be admitted or may be sent back home. It seems like every time this happened my adrenaline would jump and I would begin to worry if this is it for him. He passed away when I was 21. I do not regret anything I did to help him. Then I had to take care of my mother. Things went well for the first few years but after I married and had my first child she began to show signs of dementia. She was terribly afraid of doctors and would only go to the hospital if she were in really bad pain. Needless to say my role as her caretaker grew more year after year. She fell a few years ago and broke her hip and my only choice was to place her in a nursing home. She had pretty good care there and passed away a few months ago. My husband lost the use of his kidneys five years ago. A family member on his side was tested and was a perfect match but backed out at the last minute. He has slowly been declining and has let his weight creep up so he is not on the transplant list until he can get his weight down. This is not the life I wanted. I never got a choice on where I lived because I had to help care for my father and then my mother. I have always had to check in with someone to let them know where I could be reached just in case someone (my father, my mother, my husband) got sick. I'm tired of going to hospitals. I'm tired of not being able to go on vacation and have fun. As someone else stated I'm in a no win situation. If my husband goes out he gets tired and irritable and everyone sympathizes with him and I'm the bad wife who drug him out when he clearly should be resting. If I go alone he makes me feel guilty for going. We are living paycheck to paycheck and struggle financially. I so miss the short time in my life when I was carefree and actually had fun. My husband tells me that I live in the past but that is the only happiness I have. I see my friends traveling and going out to ballgames and enjoying life and I feel like a stressed out, burned out mess who is on the verge of crying all of the time. I wish there were a support group I could attend where I could just vent and get out some of this crap that's eating me up. This is the first time I have posted online and it really feels good to let some of this out. I know I should be more sympathetic and caring to my husband but I'm just so burned out. To those out there who are sick please don't overlook or take for granted your caretakers. We are simply doing the best we can to try and take care of you while also having to take care of the home, finances, children, jobs and lastly ourselves. Yes, taking care of ourselves is usually last on our list and usually the one that doesn't get done. Thanks for listening.
July 30, 2016 - 7:40pmThis Comment
Kind of just sounds like being a mom.
August 25, 2015 - 2:53pmThis Comment