Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

My wife is leaving me after 5 years together. I developed a severe nerve problem and other autoimmune problems. I love and adore her and she still loves me. Being that she is still young and my life looks bleak I don't begrudge her leaving, I just wish her happiness.

I will have to find my way or die, but I recognize this is my challenge and I don't want it to destroy her as well. Honestly many times I think it has been harder on her than me. She was not in pain but stood by and watched me suffer for years. I have been blessed and think no less of her even of it pains me to think of life without her.
If your life and goals no longer align then do what is best for both of you.
I wish you the best.

I stayed with my wife during her 6 year battle with cancer until the day she died. I didn't see the fine print in my marriage agreement that said I could leave at a time like that. I will never have to look back and regret having not done everything I could have. For some of us it's that simple.

I had struggled with a similar situation with my ex-wife. We were married for 16 years. Four years into the marriage, she suffered an injury to her back and started treatment for chronic back pain. Half way through our marriage, I noticed her deterioration and she became increasingly self-destructive. I held on as long as I could, caring for her and being faithful to my vows. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" kept me hanging on for a very long time. Unbeknownst to me, I could not see how destructive the relationship became for me or our two children. I found myself obsessing over her self-destructive behaviors and neglecting my own needs to take care of myself and my children. I lost sight of going to the gym, my hobbies, my friends, and other things that made me happy. I was afraid to leave her alone. I began taking on all responsibilities around our home. I began to feel guilty that I wasn't doing enough. Perhaps, if I would try harder it would help her be happy and I would feel loved. The downward spiral occurred slowly over many years. It was subtle, progressive, and was affecting all relationships in my immediate and extended family/friends, our finances, and my children's academics. I didn't notice how bad it had become because I was always putting out the latest fire. I was unable to see the forest through the trees.

In this experience, I have learned that I had to rebuild my confidence in myself to make the appropriate decision for my situation. I did this by working on my relationship with myself. By relearning boundaries, recognizing and no longer enabling destructive behavior, and sticking to ultimatums that I bestowed.

I learned that for those of us surviving situations like this, no one can tell you what is the right thing to do in your situation. Only you can determine that. I was unable to make that determination for years. In my mind, a logical voice wanted something better but a self-deprecating voice in my head kept me locked-in to fight the good fight: rescuing, sacrificing, and being the martyr. I was then able to see that my needs and happiness were important and fulfilling them was not selfish, it was necessary.

I know many people in similar situations that have chosen to stay and many that have chosen to leave. In either case, support groups and counseling are critical components to maintaining the areas of ourselves that help us rise above the anxiety, depression, worry, and self-sacrifice. I have learned that the ones that are most healthy in these situations are strong in mind, body, and spirit. The tools I used to help myself was writing in my journal, regular physical activity, reduction of alcohol consumption, self-help books, getting out for group activities with my kids and other health adults, opening a business, counseling, group therapy, taking classes, staying away from other intimate relationships, and trying new healthy things that made me happy.

As long as your decision is your own and you have YOUR best interest in mind, whatever you chose to do IS the right decision. In my case, I found that once I could see the forest through the trees, the circumstances made make that decision for me.

Good luck. Stay strong. You are a survivor!

Get out. Get out now. You can sacrifice your life and be controlled by all this nonsense about how you "can't feel this way" - extraordinary! - and how "you're a bad person" or you can ease away and find a life.

The longer you stay the worse you will feel. The longer you stay, the more ill your partner - who has done nothing wrong and is not at fault - will become, and the more drowned in his illness you will become.

My husband has a chronic illness which means that we do nothing, all day long, year after year. I'm the sole earner. He wants to do nothing - though he is physically capable - but if I manage to prise him from the bed I have to pay for everything which means that unless I go somewhere on my own we don't go far.

He's a good, loving man. And I have a life too, one that is small and miserable.

Get out now. Hater's are going to hate, and they're going to tell you that you're a piece of shit because they would like nothing more than to reclaim their life too.

Get as much support as you can for your partner in place. And then go.

Here is my life. After living together comfortably for 40 years the wife got sick. No more housework, no more sex, lots of running errands. Lots of work. Period. Remember our vows, for better or for worse. Worse has come and we don't bail out boys. Are you bailing out for sex, intimacy, you dam loser, don't bail. Remember your honey, how she loved you all these years. She needs us guys. Don't bull s--t your buddies and feel sorry for your sorry ass. It's time to man up. Practice safe sex boys. That's why the good Lord gave you two hands. Be faithful and stick with your baby till the end. Right to the bitter end. That's keeping the marriage vow till death do us part. If you bail, everyone will cuss you as a miserable two timing assh---e. Don't do it. Keep the girl. She loves you till the end. End of story. Dig it?

well reading this article I could just not help to want to cry I tune of multiple sclerosis my husband and I have been married 36 years. I got multiple sclerosis in 2009.... I was diagnosed at a very late age thank goodness. I have lost the ability to drive im incontinent I had to leave my job why my husband does everything...... I can see him wearing down. I feel like I've become a burden on everyone. we get along and we love each other he says he's committed to me but I can't help to think he could have a better life without me. he's healthy and is very active and I am NOT......... but if you ever left me I think I probably stop eating and die. but I would feel happy that he would have a new life