Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

My brother's wife began to go away fro days, including new years - 4 days in Atlantic City, Christmas, Thanksgiving,etc., when he became increasingly ill with cancer. He was very depressed, not the happy person he was before, but nonetheless the same person. His wife said she has to handle the burden and his grown kids did not visit enough, or help enough. She also was angry at the siblings for not being there enough. She said it was depressing on weekends and wanted people over as much as possible. Unfortunately the siblings lived far away, but did come at least once a month and was very involved in his care as far as talking on the phone frequently, going to doctors appts and doing research, as well as just support. The wife appeared to start cheating on him and although my brother said he did not blame her, he was deeply hurt. She said she would not abandon him, and would come back a few days per week to take him to doctors appts and clean house, etc. On the weekends there was no food, and their 16 year old daughter would stay with him, while the mother was gone. She had to lie to her friends when they had car pooling to school because her mother was usually not home. a few weeks after my brother died a man moved into the home. She did not work when my brother was sick or during their whole marriage of 17 years. When it came time for the funeral she had no money and the whole family had to pitch in to pay for it. She promised to pay everyone back, but no word of this since, and has asked to borrow lots of money. She continues to not work. I despise this woman tremendously. She said she was young and needed to live and life was short, and that she would never abandon my brother but needed time away so she can do what she needed to help him the few days she was there. Am I wrong to despise this woman?

I am the husband that got left by my ex-wife. We where married and happy for 17 yrs. I was dx with MS and became depressed also. I think anyone would .Before this I ran a large company and supported us in style. I was the one that helped everyone and took care of everyone before my dx. All I needed was a little time and help to get past the shock of it all and my wife to be there for me as I had been for her many many times. As it turns out we got divorced and I am fine. Have a great life now without her. I have 4 beautiful kids and a beautiful girlfreind. Sold my business and retired comfortably at 38. Now the ex is liveing on wellfare and off guys she dates because shes had to live somewhere. We keep in contact and I see her often because I have custody of 2 of our children and she begs to get back together even though she is engaged! Funny thing is I see her and I feel nothing except sorry for a women that after saying I do in sickness or health could be so heartless. It goes to show that what comes around goes around. I would have stayed by her side if she was sick till the end. All of us will get sick or need help if we live long enough. The people who would leave a sick spouse should never have gotten married in the first place. I think women feel sorry for themself when their husbands need a little. Its all good though. I got my MS under control now and have a great life. The situation has made me much stronger and have learned that marrage means nothing except you lose the house and all your shit! lol! I am now happy just living with a girl. When its over she can leave with her shit and Ill get a new one. Maybe your husband is to fucked up already to stand up and start over like I have done but you married him for sickness or health right? Did you ever even love him? I hope if you do leave it haunts you when you are sick and dying of some horrable disease.

I've read all the above posts and feel like this is where I need to be right now. I hope I can join in on the discussion. My situation has been going on for about 5 years now and I'm in my 14th year of living with my husband, who has uncontrolled diabetes and who will not help himself. His diabetic problems have become both physical and mental for him. He will not let me help him, by seeing more Drs. or mental specialists- Now I'm having the biggest decision to make- and his family have their heads in the sand (or other places) and I'm done living on my own 'hell island'. I'm going to Mental Health again, because of him. I am overly exhausted with the mental strain. He is just existing, not working, watches t.v. and naps all day. I'm a caregiver in my career and turn down work just from the negative life I have here and being mentally fatigued from 5 years of trying to help him. I'd say more but don't want to drone on.....I appreciate anyone who understands where I am.

Hello all, and thank you for your posts. I've needed a place to speak my mind, and I am glad I found this site. Here's my situation. I'm in a fairly new relationship with a man who was diagnosed with MS 10 years ago. He was married for a total of 17 years, and given his marriage was already in a bad state, when he told me his wife said, "I don't think our marriage can survive this diagnosis," I knew the potential challenges I would face. I didn't choose to enter into this relationship because I am a "rescuer." I chose to enter into it because I fell in love with a man who is funny, incredibly intelligent and who I could see myself growing old with. But at nearly 48 years of age and not even six months into the relationship, I just feel myself growing old.
As with any new relationship the first few months were wonderful. Sure we had our fair share of growing pains, and I was completely accepting of some of the physical limitations MS cruelly besets many men with. Nonetheless, we had a satisfying sex life. We talked about everything. We laughed and got along like peas and carrots. But inevitably I began to notice huge mood swings and depressive episodes with him that worried me. In short, I see him as being in complete denial about how deeply affected he truly is by his MS. "I don't think about it that much," he tells me, but yet every day I hear his complaints about being sore from his Copaxil injections, I listen to him constantly complain about body aches and pains, I see him struggle to urinate, move his bowels and listen to his stories of panic when he has to drive to and from work every day. I watch him drink every night and then gorge himself on a 5,000+ calorie meal before retiring to bed. He is 50+ pounds overweight and both the excessive eating and drinking are classic signs of depression. I am watching this man try to quell his anxieties and fears about his MS through every means possible except counseling. When I gently mentioned joining an MS support group or perhaps talking to a specialist in the field, I was shut down rudely and completely. He absolutely refuses to acknowledge how this disease is not only detrimentally affecting him, but me as well. I have found myself walking on eggshells the majority of the time, and trying to make "nice," so as not to get him upset. He says stress exacerbates his MS which is in fact, true. But relationships can be stressful and require work and attentiveness if they are to last. I am a very strong woman, and I have been patient, kind and loving, but I am now at my wits end. I am ready to leave him and even told him as such. He said he didn't want me to-that he loved me and wanted me to stay, but for my own mental stability, I am ready to walk out the door and not look back. While I can only empathize how horrible it must be to receive a diagnosis of MS, I have two friends who have it, and they are doing everything they can to lead healthy lives. I know they struggle, but I see they're happy and their spouses are happy, too. I can only surmise that my boyfriend either just doesn't know how to ask for help or he revels in just being miserable, cruel and controlling. His "my way or the highway" attitude is highly indicative of the fact that perhaps he feels so out of control with his MS that being selfish, rude and insensitive to me is a means of garnering some semblance of control in his life that the MS has taken away from him. I'm astute enough to recognize that may be the case, but I'm also self-aware enough to recognize that perhaps we just aren't as compatible as I thought we were. I do not know what to do. My head tells me to leave. My heart tells me to stay. And when those two parts of me start battling it out, I am left feeling completely drained. I understand no one can tell me what I should do. Ultimately the decision is mine. But being able to speak my mind without being judged and sharing my story is somewhat therapeutic.

HI,
I am 26 Yr old, married for 3 years to a spouse with multiple sclerosis knowing that he has MS . this marriage was not fully out of my will and i married out of some pity towards him. my husband is a nice guy, but we have had our share of fights / arguments. now i find it difficult to carry on .plz help.

I married my husband 2 1/2 years ago after 12 years of friendship and 2 years of dating. He was an amazing, energetic, loving, passionate, adventurous and funny guy. But within months of marriage that disappeared and he becaema sad, sullen, depressed, easily angered person who wanted nothing but to sit on the couch and play video games. Coming home made me angry because I would have to clean up from whatever messes he had made (spending spree, adopting animals) or for what he didn't do (helping out around the house, remembering that my birthday isn't about him). While visiting family he moved out and claims he has no memory of it and wants to come back. I said no. He has MS. We learned today that his pituitary gland is in bad shape and that he has a lesion affecting his executive function. And this won't get better. The rages of anger and violence he has; the rebuffs at attempts to reach him; and the child-like selfishness that were everyday, requiring a world of walking on eggshells around him--none of that will every change and most likely will get worse. I can't imagine his devastation at being 37 and having the more severe cognitive affects of this disease. He can really no longer practice his profession. And I can't really let him move back in even though no one of it his fault. Since he left I am less angry and no longer feel like a stranger in my own home. I feel guilty and want to take care of him, whoever this angry, cruel stranger is. But the man I love is gone. And all my confidantes and doctors tell me that I can't take care of him because he will no longer be my spouse but my charge. I have to get his family involved. And I do feel guilty. But I cannot go back to the way things were. It is good to know that others have been in the situation.