Living with and possibly leaving a sick spouse - a heartfelt story from a reader looking for advice

So very sad at reading these blogs. I too am torn about standing by my spouse who has diabetes for 20 years. Simply because I have fibromyalgia and don't have the energy or health to be his caretaker in the advancing stages of his disease. I don't feel like he is my husband anymore but my patient. His illness conflicts with our business and taking care of myself. I wear a lot of hats: mother, spouse, caretaker, nurse, secretary, go-for girl, monitor, chauffeur, decision maker, power of attorney, cook, gardener, maid, nutritionist, companion, and anything else that comes my way during the course of a business day in the office or in the field. It leaves me depleted, confused and torn. Worst is not having fulfillment of the career of which I had to forfeit in order to make our situation work for 10 years.
It is not fair to my children and extended family for me to abandon my present life situation but at the same time, it is not fair for me to be placed into the bondage of obedience and ritual while my husband flounders with inefficiency, fluctuating health, and mind deterioration. He is in the comfort zone of denial, lets me take the rap for inefficiency, and blames me for any failure or mishap. Because I am always there. I don't know where I am going from here. But I know serious changes have to be made in order to continue in some assembly of peace and harmony.

So very sad at reading these blogs. I too am torn about standing by my spouse who has diabetes for 20 years. Simply because I have fibromyalgia and don't have the energy or health to be his caretaker in the advancing stages of his disease. I don't feel like he is my husband anymore but my patient. His illness conflicts with our business and taking care of myself. I wear a lot of hats: mother, spouse, caretaker, nurse, secretary, go-for girl, monitor, chauffeur, decision maker, power of attorney, cook, gardener, maid, nutritionist, companion, and anything else that comes my way during the course of a business day in the office or in the field. It leaves me depleted, confused and torn. Worst is not having fulfillment of the career of which I had to forfeit in order to make our situation work for 10 years.
It is not fair to my children and extended family for me to abandon my present life situation but at the same time, it is not fair for me to be placed into the bondage of obedience and ritual while my husband flounders with inefficiency, fluctuating health, and mind deterioration. He is in the comfort zone of denial, lets me take the rap for inefficiency, and blames me for any failure or mishap. Because I am always there. I don't know where I am going from here. But I know serious changes have to be made in order to continue in some assembly of peace and harmony.

I feel much less like a heartless deviant after reading your posts.

My husband has been fighting a very rare cancer of the sinus for the last 1 1/2. We have had to travel 1,000 miles for treatment at MD Anderson. He has had three surgeries, three months of radiation, spinal meningitis, chemo, and various other treatments. We thought he was out of the woods, and within a 8 week period his MRIs went from clear, to him having 3 major tumors on his brain. The doctors are stunned, and they have given him 6 - 9 months. We have a daughter who is nearly three who is amazing.

We have had some significant marital issues that I won't dive into, but we sought counseling and were doing well. His illness has been a whirlwind. He has been at death's door several times.

Illness has changed him. The man that I married seems to have died after his first reoccurrence, and when he found out that his cancer had come back a third time in less than two years he began to push me further and further away. We have been together for 10 years.

I take my marriage vows very seriously, and even when I found that my husband had lied to me repeatedly (about an issue that I'll not get into) I stood by him for the sake of our family. Recently I have recconected with my first love, and we have gone out to eat lunch several times over the last few months. I find myself smiling when I think of him. He makes me feel intresting, desirable, and appreciated. That is something I haven't gotten from my husband in a long time. I have done nothing more than lunch and a few phone calls, but I think of him often. At home I feel like a nurse, and an unappreciated one at that.

I haven't cheated on my spouse, but the days when I thought "What a horrible spouse would cheat on their dying wife/husband." are over. Sometimes the person you married dies long before they are overcome by their illness. I know.

Ok...I'm back. The original writer. I think that I am having a bad night. We went to court today about custody and parenting time. I "won" so I should be feeling happy and relaxed, but instead I am struggling with feelings of guilt. I feel as though I have left my ex to care for himself and that I have taken everything from him (money, structure in his life, support and now his son). I know that I am still doing the right thing but this is so hard! I tried everything while we were married to make things better, begged him to go to counseling etc. Nothing changed. He came to court today with his walker and when he found out that he wasn't getting what he wanted he looked so sad. This has got to be the hardest thing that I have ever done. I haven't slept well for the past week or two, I think in anticipation of today. I pray that I am continuing to do what is right for my son and myself, that I not act out of anger. I think that it is time to meet with my counselor again. Any words of wisdom or of comfort would be greatly appreciated!!

Hi,
These stories hit so close to home. My hubby was diagnosed with a brain tumor (grade 3 terminal they say he has 7 years to live) the week of our honeymoon, that was two years ago. We have both just turned 30. What was supposed to be a "bump" in the road accorrding to doctors, has ruined our marriage.

So much has happened in our marriage that to write it all down would take pages.
To say that he changed is an understatement and yes, who wouldn't.
He used to be so patient and loving. The seizure meds and surgery and cancer its self has changed him into a angry , selfish man.

What are spouses supposed to do in these situations? I hear "what about in sickness and in health" It's not like he is a loving and caring husband anymore, he has kicked me out of our home twice, thrown food in my face, cussed me out , would any normal woman stay in a marriage like that? if he wasn't sick would that behavior be ok? ....I mean, how much are we as spouses supposed to take? My dreams of a happy life, children are gone....what is left is just plain misery. I either have to live with someone who is incapable of being a loving husband, be unhappy and become a widow and start all over. Or live on my own as a divorced women in guilt ridden misery, constantly worrying about how he is doing, and start all over....

I don't even now how to move on. I moved out three months ago and have only seen him once, when I picked up some things from the apt.I wanted to talk, but he just walked away without saying goodbye
He never calls to say he misses me , or to come home. He hasn't made any effort to make our marriage work, so why do I get all the guilt? It takes two people for a marriage to work, sick or not.

When it comes down to it, people who say "how can you leave a sick spouse" needs to walk in our shoes first.

I've felt so isolated in my feelings, but seeing the stories here helps so very much. Thank you so much for this place to vent.

My husband got diabetes at age five, but when we met, although I knew he was a diabetic, he did not take care of himself and I never saw signs of the diabetes until after we were married and he began to monitor his sugars and take his insulin properly. Then he began to have regular insulin lows where he became nasty and mean to me. I frequently needed to call the paramedics and could never tell him I was doing so because it would trigger the violent emotional outbursts from him, but I was unable to give him the glucogone shots he needed by myself since he was almost twice my size.

When he recovered he was always apologetic and often didn't remember the incidents, but the damage was done. When we had children, he frequently told them terrible things during the insulin lows as well and our friends all witnessed him being nasty to me. I made so many excuses for his behavior and always chalked it up to the diabetes, but it made me feel terrible and we lost many friendships over it.

Then we got the news he had End Stage Renal Disease and he was lucky enough to receive a kidney/pancreas transplant almost immediately. We thought this was the answer to our prayers with the diabetes gone and a new kidney preventing the need for dialysis.

Instead, six weeks later, we discovered he had a rare spinal cancer. It was low grade and asymptomatic. Since the diagnosis though, he has developed severe pain from the tumor, dizziness, nausea, aphasia, has difficulty getting up and down and many other problems. Although we've gotten several diagnosis, the prognosis is still bleak with it's location.

The nastiness that happened when his sugar low, has become frequent and regular. He is angry and depressed (justifiably), but I have become his emotional punching bag. He has screamed at me, accused me of cheating, called me horrible names and locked me out of the house, frequently in front of our children. It seems that he is completely unable to control his anger at this point, even yelling at me for making him go to the bank on the same day I found out that a close friend of mine had died.

He has become a selfish, petulant child and accuses me of abandoning him. In that, he is probably correct. While physically I am here, I get out with friends as much as possible in order to retain my sanity and try to take the children for fun days out of the house as well. Few in my circle of friends have ever met him since he is sullen and annoyed whenever he goes out with me.

He is still interested in a sexual relationship, but seems to think that after being horrible all day to me, that I should be interested that evening and then becomes mad when I tell him that I'm not. I know that with a CNS tumor and impending death, there can be personality issues, but living with him is nearly impossible at this point.

He does make an effort to be better sometimes, but his idea of better at this point is to not scream at me for a few weeks with no other changes in his behavior and I am supposed to forgive and forget everything that has happened and everything is supposed to revert to the way it was before.

At this point, I do everything around the house and yard while he plays on the computer and takes naps. He does still work full-time and I know that doing many household tasks cause him to be in pain, but he doesn't even clean up after himself or offer even basic help.

He threatens to leave, knowing that my job isn't paying me right now due to the economy and my investment money is tied up in a lawsuit right now. Honestly I'd let him if I had a steady, reliable paycheck and the lawsuit was finished. He told me I could have the house, the support payment I want and full custody and he has told the kids repeatedly if he leaves, he won't bother to see them anymore. But if I tell him to go, he changes his mind.

There are little nasty ways of letting me know what he's doing too. There was the "accidental" time he sent all the apartment search finds to my email address rather than his or the time he left divorce searches up on the computer.

I asked him to wait until the settlement and then go and then he is nice for a couple days realizing I'm serious. I've also asked for a seperation rather than a divorce, because for financial reasons it would be smarter for the kids. He has threatened to cut me from his health insurance and cancel his life insurance. I'd be okay if he changed the benificiary from me to the kids, but if he cancels it we will never be able to get it back.

He even asked several times if we could see other people. I know he is not cheating, but I think he wanted me to admit that I was. Finally I told him fine, just to use protection and not in my house. That set him off the deep-end too. Despite the fact I'd said no several times, he wanted me to keep saying it instead of agreeing to it.

My children are becoming seriously scarred over this and I have had to call my parents to take them when he is really going. My son is seeing the school counselor regularly because he is so devestated that "his dad hates him and is dying."

I know my husband is not really in a good place right now and I realize the tumor may be affecting his thought process, but once the settlement takes place I am going to be strong enough to let him go and be unhappy on his own. He is clinically depressed and I believe he has made an appointment to see a counselor, but I have been cut out of any communication about that and I can't see it would make a difference at this point anyway. The marriage has been fractured beyond repair. He could live another five years and I just cannot subject children and myself to the torture he is inflicting on us.

Thank you so much for listening and letting me know I am not alone in going through this. It is a horrible hell you find yourself in when your partner is terminally ill. It is nice to think that these things draw you closer, but sometimes the opposite is true and "til death do us part" shouldn't include the death of your sanity.